"If you don't start behaving, I'm doing to trade you in for a new model!"
Most kids have probably heard something to that effect from their parents. Usually right after they've shaved the cat...
Superglued someone's butt cheeks to the toilet seat...
Or have taken apart the coffeemaker just to see what's inside.
But now Childtrader.com-- an adoption group with a twist-- has made swapping your troublesome progeny for a bright, shiny new one a viable option. How does it work?
Well, say Mr. Jones has five girls and has always wanted a boy. And Mr. Smith down the road has a boy who's been acting up... Or who doesn't quite fit in the family dynamic... Or maybe resembles the mailman a bit too much...
Well, Mr. Jones adopts one of Mr. Smith's boys. Mr. Smith adopts one of Mr. Jones' girls. And voila! Everybody's happy, right?
Er....
Well...
So that got me pondering. How on earth do you break the news to your kid, that he is going to be traded to another family? Well, after giving it some careful consideration, I thought it might just go something like this...
Dad: "Ah, Timmy. Glad you could make it today, thanks for coming. (shakes hands)
"Um, you're probably wondering why I called you into my office. Have a seat.
"Here at The Robinsons(TM), we've set some ambitious goals for ourselves for the year. But I really believe, with proper strategic implementation, we can achieve them.
"Our 2009 plan looks forward to higher overall grade point averages... reduced spending in the entertainment and junk food consumption sectors... fewer emergency room health care costs.... and, lastly, and I think most importantly... winning the three-legged-race at the family reunion, and finally beating out that smug-faced Uncle Mark of yours and his family.
"Yes, all of these things I feel strongly are within our reach. But see, we've taken a look at it from every angle, and it's.... it's, well, it's going to require some restructuring.
"Now your immediate supervisor-- I believe you know her as "Mom"-- and I have both discussed with you in the past the behavior patterns we've witnessed and feel are counterproductive to the bottom-line efficiency and overall morale of The Robinsons (TM).
"Like when you traded your mother's car for some Pokemon cards...
"And the time you built that Hefty bag parachute and had your brother test-fly it...
"And then there was that forehead tattoo incident...
"As you know, we're still recovering from that one-- It may be years before Rover comes out from under the basement stairs. Hopefully, the fur will grow back eventually. But the memories, well, the memories are likely to linger on.
"I only bring these things up again now, Timmy, because it is as we move forward into 2009, your mother and I can now see clearly your performance in this family has been holding us back from achieving our goals.
"So I have to be candid with you-- we're going to be bringing in a new gal from over in Shadyside. Yeah, her name's Becky, she's been with The Browns (TM) for the last 10 years. And I hear she's a real up-and-comer. And, you know, The Browns have been wanting a boy.... Also, (heh-heh) well, they don't have a dog so that's a win-win right there. Yes, son, I think of this as an opportunity to really strengthen our mutual marketshare.
"Anyway, what I'm saying is, your mother and I regret to inform you that we won't be renewing your contract as our son for 2009. We really appreciate the 12 years you've put into The Robinsons (TM). But with careful consideration, we feel it's just not working out and that this is the best solution for all of us.
"So, we're giving you two weeks notice-- and obviously allowance through that remaining time here. At the end of the month, you start with The Browns (TM). And I think you'll find it will be a really good fit for you.
"I hope we'll see you again sometimes at... well... school pageants... or something.
"Thanks so much for everything!"
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