The recent Michael Jackson World Fellowship and Wiener Roast has made me question my memory. To the point I'd swear I need to see a medical professional.
I mean, wasn't it just a few weeks ago that ol' M.J. was the subject of running jest, with folks murmuring about everything from his putty nose and questionable court cases, to his mighty debts and his sidekick monkey?
But now he's no longer living, the monkey and money and putty noses seem to have been washed away in a great global tidal wave of nostalgia, revisionism and OxyClean.
I could swear the same thing happened to Nixon, but without the nose jokes.
At least, not the same ones.
So before I commit myself to in-depth brain probing and prodding at the hands of our eager health care system, I decided to compile a list of folks who, upon their ultimate demise, may also become buffed and polished by the great Media Soak-and-Spin.
This way, when the tragic eventually happens, I have a published record of the prediction. And I won't have to wonder whether it isn't just time for my 37-year, 30,000 mile brain change.
Here are my suggestions.
- Pauly Shore: This goodwill ambassador, biodome environmentalist, and distinctive comedian drew on a rich family tradition of comedy club connections. A sequel to his sleeper hit film "Pauly Shore is Dead," tentatively titled "Pauly Shore is Dead. No. Seriously" is expected to hit theaters to record-breaking crowds this fall.
- Paris Hilton: Philanthropist and inventor who prevented millions of dogs with hip dysplasia from enduring otherwise torturous physical movement due to innovative dog-purse trend. Up for canonization as St. Paris of the Walkies.
- Jerry Springer: This wise counselor drew together people of diverse backgrounds and views for moments of unexpected unity. He helped them find the joy and emotional release through furniture aerodynamics. He is to be posthumously nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in physics.
- Courtney Love: This independent songstress and fashionista gave us a new look at our perceptions on makeup precision and underwear usage. She also always took the time to give reporters a few words, even if they were random and unrelated.
- Tom Cruise: A tireless advocate for mental wellness, this landmark actor demonstrated the power of portraying the same character throughout a life-long career. He was also a strong supporter of rigorous home furnishings testing. It is believed over 1 million people may have been saved from falling through otherwise unstable sofas due to his buoyant public stance.
- Nadya Suleman (Octo-Mom): Changed the face of motherhood forever, largely in the direction of Angelina Jolie's. Her emphasis of quantity over quality in parenting brought an entire world back to a simpler time, reminding us of fond childhood memories, such as the Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe.
- Uri Geller. This ordinary man blessed with extraordinary telekinetic abilities demonstrated that a higher power can, in fact, talk through us to create miracles. And that higher power has a whole lot to say about the straightness of spoons.
So, folks-- how do you think history will remember some of our celebrity legends? Our media darlings are popping off at an alarming rate recently-- so get your predictions in now!
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