It takes a special sort of someone to still be on dial-up in 2009. Someone who charts their own course... Sets their own pace... Bravely eschews the fads and, um...
...Just doesn't get much time off work to have something better installed.
Okay, yes: I'm talking about me. I admit it-- I am still on dial-up here at home. (Hangs head, shuffles feet.)
On the plus side, see, my house is over 100 years old. So, with computer access technology that's slightly newer than Atari Pong, I'd say it evens out.
I mean, even on dial-up, the Victorians would totally have loved the computer. They'd be... oh... reading Charles Dickens e-books... And ordering rolls of busy floral wallpaper.
And, hey, if their online order took a half hour to process?
No big! Remember, these people spent two days driving twenty miles down the road. They could spend a day churning butter. A half hour? T'is to laugh!
Still, being on dial-up in a high-speed connectivity world sometimes requires special tactics...
Coping mechanisms designed to help you look up-to-speed, when in fact, you're being passed on the internet highway by energetically Web-surfing turtles.
So for you-- you five other people out there on the Internets on dial-up, making with the Googles-- I give you my Top Tips for Feeling Good About Your Dial-up Connection and Still Looking Cool in 2009:
- Think of your dial-up as a great opportunity for multi-tasking. For instance, click on a page to load. Now go make a seven course meal for 20 people. Come back. Re-connect because it stalled out in the middle due to inactivity. Set the table, greet your guests, serve three of the courses, then check in again. With dial-up , it's not that you're taking longer to do one thing-- it's that you're getting to do MORE things at once. Share that point with the ungrateful naysayers at your party. (Give those guests the dinner rolls that fell on the floor and got lightly licked by the dog.)
- Did you really want to see those 24 MB photo files of your aunt's cats in drag? Of course you didn't. With a high speed connection, you'd have to endure every last blurry, furry, incomprehensible shot. But with dial-up? All you have to do is make an educated guess of what's probably in the pictures. Be vague. "Mr. Fluffy is so funny, isn't he? LOL." The Aunt is happy... You don't have to spend time wondering if that's a tail or part of a new feather boa... And all is right with the world.
- Remember all that time you'd otherwise be just wasting on YouTube. Yep, with dial-up, temptation to check out the original 80s video of "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell, or that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Daffy Duck has his beak blown off twelve times, or the latest Angry Kid claymation-- well, it's virtually whisked away. Angry Kid would be Angry Senior Citizen by the time you'd get things buffered on dial-up. And you know this. So perhaps you decide to go outside and actually- gasp!-- meet people. Dial-up might just make you a real Casanova, if you work it right. Make sure you use the socialization defense when friends want you to see this new cool video. Remember-- you are too busy living life for such silliness!
- Save the money that you would otherwise spend on Internet shopping. If it takes you an hour to order it, you're less likely to buy it, right? And did you really need that ionic hamster wheel, anyway? Or that portable swiss cheese de-holer? Or that Ethnically-Diverse Barbie with special United Nations Ombudsman Action? No! We're in tough economic times, people! It is fiscally wise to remain far, far away from that coveted bulk collection of hand-tinted turkey buzzard etchings. All these high speed people will be in the poor house surrounded by their QVC diamonettes, while you, Dial-Up Diva are counting your dough! Consider yourself savvy.
- Think of the great exercise you're getting with all the running back and forth to the computer. You're on-the-go, you're working off calories. You clock ten miles a day just running from floor to floor, checking to see if the page has finally loaded. So you, you can enjoy that ice cream sundae with hot fudge those fatty-fats on high speed shouldn't have. You're slim and in the game.
I hope you, five other remaining people on dial-up who got here via the Googles, that you've found these points above a helpful way of reinforcing your decision to remain on dial-up. And remember, dial-up still lets you do a lot of worthwhile things on the Internet, all you have to do is remain
ERROR 2874.240. COULD NOT PUBLISH FULL BLOG POST.
THIS CONNECTION MAY HAVE TIMED OUT DUE TO LACK OF ACTIVITY.
TRY AGAIN LATER.
THIS CONNECTION MAY HAVE TIMED OUT DUE TO LACK OF ACTIVITY.
TRY AGAIN LATER.
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