How to Annoy People on the Internet

While some folks make enriching hobbies out of cruising discussion forums and blogs and posting the comments that inflame, it is possible to enrage people on the internet, mortally wound their feelings, and cause them to question whether you have a 666 birthmark on your scalp, without that deep dedication.

Perhaps you've been thinking lately about how you can make more people blow a gasket during the course of their days.

Or perhaps you yourself are looking to become temple-throbbingly angry over words typed on the computer screen by complete strangers, but you're just not sure where to turn to get that fix.

Here are some tips to get that steam shooting from the ears without delay!
For writers/bloggers/forum participants:

• Type stuff. It really doesn't matter what. Eventually you'll hit on a combination of words that will make somebody believe you're a cruel and nasty individual trivializing their beloved pair of socks, the death of their childhood cat Mittens, or their lifelong love of cheese wheel rolling. Remember, this is the Internet, where colored pixels of light on the screen translate directly into personal insecurity and outrage.
  

• Be yourself. There's nothing that makes people on the internet more angry than someone who has ideas, or opinions, or types stuff (see above). It wouldn't matter if you were Gandhi, Kermit the Frog or Mr. Rogers. It's only a matter of time before someone finds you to be the most vile creature Satan ever shot into the Great Spittoon of Life. Be patient.
  

• Write the words that come to you without thinking of them from 47 different angles first. Be hasty. A careless, off-the-cuff phrase from you might just be the big Internet scandal that triggers loathing and threats against your nether-regions.

• Talk about controversial topics. Or lint. You might think that to really make people mad on the internet, you need to talk about things like politics, religion, gender issues, dog fighting or who should win American Idol this season. But you may not realize, you also have a great opportunity to make people spit blood by bringing up things like: breast feeding, animal breeding, favorite soups, the color puce, liking something, not liking something, and bits of fluff you might find in your armpit after wearing an angora sweater. The chance of annoying people regularly on the internet by talking about topics is virtually limitless.

For readers:

• Examine all content from news articles to blog posts to Twitter entries as if it relates directly to you personally, and all aspects of your life. Assume the writer was knowingly talking about you, even though the only thing they've seen of you is your screen name and your Winnie the Pooh avatar in the comments section.

• Fixate on one or two small details in a larger piece. Then super-size its importance for maximum impact. If you're skilled with this, you might be able to trigger a whole sub-discussion flame war where commenters on both sides begin to dwell on this minor issue instead of the topic the author actually intended. You may be working up a good froth for days!
  

• If there is nothing in a piece to fixate on, make assumptions that could be related, and rage about those. For example, if an article is about kittens and there is a white and a black kitten in the accompanying photo, you have an opportunity to discuss the author's obvious neglect of including tabbies in the piece, and how tabbies are just as good as black and white kittens and how the author is clearly an anti-Tabbyist. This places you in a very powerful position, because it is difficult to defend a statement that wasn't actually made in the first place. Your blood pressure can then elevate nicely due to their refusal to accept your accusations.

Yes, friends-- typing, words, thinking, not thinking... these things and more will soon put you on the road to annoying people on the web.


And for my guests today who have already begun this process, how have you inadvertently made others find their inner rage online? I hope you'll share with us today.

Shiny New Groups for Irrational Loathing

I don't know whether it's the crappy economy... the unemployment rate... the natural disasters... or the fact Tom DeLay dropped out of Dancing with the Stars. But lately, doesn't it seem like people are just looking for someone, anyone, to take the brunt of the blame for life's ailments?

Read the user comments on any news story, pop by any forum, and you'll see an outpouring of Advanced Scapegoatism and undiffused public rage. Yes, this is where race, government, political parties, sexual orientation, religion, atheism, sports, uppity weather, inconvenient fault lines and-- as I learned yesterday-- we women who are apparently too stupid to be allowed to drive because we cause men to speed, run red lights, and drive recklessly (we are so kooky that way)-- all get a nice thrashing.

Basically, the idea translates to "anyone who's not me sucks fish eyeballs."

So I was thinking this morning, the problem is, we're rapidly running out of folks who already haven't been bashed into throbbing bruised masses. It's getting cliche. Yep, we need to spread the irrational loathing around a little. Show our versatility. Why, there are whole obscure groups who haven't gotten theirs yet!

Why should we limit ourselves?

So I have some suggestions for those of us who need to project, deflect, and let off a little steam.

• Flat-pack Furniture Manufacturers. Feel the country is falling apart? Well, it's probably because of a poorly die-cut cam-hole, and a loose cam-screw due to those irresponsible, corner-cutting, pre-drilled-hole-missing, flat-pack furniture manufacturers. Those furniture manufacturers are so smug, laughing all the way to the bank as they give us instructions in ancient Babylonian along with diagrams with all parts marked " Q." This is why our economy fell apart, I bet. Not because so much of this furniture isn't made in America, but because it's held together with wooden pegs in peg-holes twice their size.
  
  

• Department Store Mannequins. The conceited bastards. They stand around all day expecting us to fawn over them when what are they-- pressed wood and a little paint? They're taking away the jobs that real people could be doing, because we wouldn't complain at all at standing 24-hours-a-day with our hips jutting out a foot before the rest of our bodies. And plus, they set a completely unrealistic example for us about what we're supposed to look like. We would all have perfect hair if we could wear wigs. Our makeup would never run if it were painted on. And the clothes-- don't even get me started on the clothes! All our clothes would fit perfectly if we walked around with them pinned in the back to give a more slimming, fitted appearance. They must be stopped.

• Images that Come in Photo Frames. The artistically-shot Wonder of the World... The smiling, loving couple... The beautiful flawless family where the kids haven't cut their own bangs and the dog doesn't have gas. Yes you, Photo Frame Images, set a standard of camaraderie and elitist taste that conflicts with the viewpoint of millions of Americans. You need to bring it down to earth. Why don't you show us a black-and-white photo of that abandoned meth lab down the street, or the new county courthouse they just built downtown? Now that's Real Art. Why don't you show Carl and Myrna grinning, fresh from the WalMart dentist? Why do you insist on shoving these unrealistic representations of life we're never going to see and wouldn't want to, even if we won the lottery and not just because Stan here isn't allowed to fly because he accidentally got himself a file at the FBI for that small bomb threat joke he called into the Rent-a-Center last year so he could have the day off?

• Goats. They're eating up all of our resources. For instance, tin cans that could be recycled instead end up in the gullet of a four-stomached beast that expects us to cater to its needs. Not only that, as the blogger of Nanny Goats in Panties will attest, they're taking over our media. A recent post on her site proves, innocent people are just trying to get news and entertainment from blogs like hers, when suddenly they are, out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever except for a blog title called Nanny Goats in Panties and a header filled with goats, showing us not the hard information and non-goat-related laughs we demand. But the occasional funny goat picture. It's mind control, I tell you! They should, at the very least, have warnings like peanuts packets that bear the words "May Contain Peanuts." Live goat-free or die!
  

Well, these are just a few of the groups that I think safely have it coming. But, of course, you all are free to come up with your own groups that are blissfully going about their own business but are just asking for a good needling.

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