Of Cabbages and Kings: airport security

By Penny Penn-Schyll
Nashville Star-Sun-Post-Reporter

NASHVILLE, TN-- Responding to the thwarted terrorist attack on Northwest Airlines Flight 253, the Bettie Page Memorial Regional Airport and Discount Lingerie Outlet, outside Nashville, has taken an innovative step toward passenger safety: mandatory nudity in all terminals and departing flights.

Dubbed the BareTrans Program®, now passengers experience travel in the buff, beginning at airport security checkpoints. Upon disrobing, all clothing must be stowed in airtight Spacebags® and will be scanned for prohibited substances. The bagged clothing must then fit completely inside a carry-on bag. This is hermetically-sealed by trained security using Hermet™ (patent pending), duct tape and those twisty-ties they put in toy packaging. There is a fee of $15 per bag, and bags must remain sealed until passengers reach their final destination.

Other changes have been made to accommodate the new, more rigorous safety requirements:

Temperatures in the terminal have been adjusted to a consistent 75 degrees.
Disposable plastic covers are now available for hygienic airport seating, and can be purchased from the airport shop at just $5.00 per cover.
And the Hooligans' Family Restaurant will no longer serve its Sizzle-n-Spice Fajitas due to potential spatter injury and class action lawsuit.

With the elimination of pockets and carry-on bag access, post-security money-handling is now prohibitive. Passengers must pre-pay for any food, beverages or souvenier items they predict they might possibly consider purchasing in the airport or in-flight.

Passengers estimate their total future purchases at Check-in and receive a bar-coded hand-stamp for that amount. As purchases are made, each item's cost is debited from the passenger's pre-paid account by simply scanning the barcode.

While airport officials indicate the new program is still in transition, passengers do seem to like the sense of safety the BareTrans Program provides.

"Fer 75 years, ain't nobody seen me nekkid but Doc Graham and my husband Everett here," said traveler Emmeline Dodd, age 94, off to visit her baby sister Margaret, 90, in Tuscon.

"But if it takes me givin' half o' the county a cootch-show in order to keep the good ol' U.S. of A. safe, why, I'll do the patriotic thing and make my privates public fer Uncle Sam."

Mrs. Dodd's uncle, Sam Johnson, age 102, declined to comment.

With the early success of the BareTrans Program, travelers can expect airports across the nation to follow their lead. Hanes Community Airport in Thredbaya, Maine, is currently implementing a variation of the program, called the "Tightie Flightie Initiative." While the process remains largely unchanged, passengers may retain their undergargements throughout the course of travel.

But officials at Bettie Page Memorial call the Tightie Flightie plan "risky."

"When you have terrorists willing to stow WMDs in their BVDs, you just can't take chances on things like personal privacy, dignity and Victoria's Secret," explained airport public relations manager, Buffy Bethune.

"We have a new slogan here at Betty Page Regional: 'Bare in the Air Gets You There.' And we stand behind that. Well, not directly behind. But more to the side. With our eyes averted. Politely."

For information on these and other security programs in your area, please contact your local airport.

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With the holiday travel season coming upon us, we at Of Cabbages and Kings want to make your trips to visit family and friends as easy as possible. And--

No, we're not going to send you Valium to drop into the family punch bowl at Thanksgiving...

And no, we are not creating an Private Impersonations business, where someone poses as an exact likeness of you for holiday gatherings so that way you, meanwhile, can go off to sunny Puerto Vallarta, to enjoy surf, sand and coladas...

Nope, the way we plan to make your life easier, is by giving you some helpful tips for getting through airport security without annoying them-- and molesting you.

As you know, tighter security restrictions at airports all over the world have made us safer, more secure, and less likely to put plastic explosives in our shoes.

But with those restrictions, come new processes. And by knowing and understanding them in advance, you can help keep the line moving...

Get to your destination quickly and safely...

And avoid any embarrassing body cavity searches by large men with small flashlights.

Based on my own personal airport travel experiences, I offer you the following tips:
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HOW TO DRESS FOR AIRTRAVEL
When dressing to travel by air, it's helpful to think of yourself as a mental patient. How would someone in a dangerous psych ward have to dress? That's right-- no sharp objects, no metal, no sense of personal style. To be more specific...

Don't wear a belt. Belts can beep in the metal detectors and thus require you to be patted down and scanned by large men named Mongo. It is better to lose your trousers and moon citizens of 19 different countries, than it is to meet Mongo, who is in a bad mood because his own family is sitting down without him to a giant turkey feast as we speak, and his obnoxious cousin Ray is getting the drumstick. As alternatives to your traditional wardrobe, consider wearing:

Sweats
Draw string lounge pants
Homer Simpson pajamas

All of these are appropriate airport wear, and will only cause people to giggle and point once you reach your final destination. In fact, just roll out of bed and go to the airport. Jeans and dress slacks have rivets and may need belts. So remember: they = Mongo

Don't wear a metal watch. You think you need to know the time regularly in order to make your connections. But this is really just a rumor. The metal wristwatch is the single largest reason metal detectors beep and passengers are taken into small backrooms by people dressed in black suits and sunglasses and then seen again 12 days later bruised and amnesic. So, does being able to track every little iddy bitty moment of your trip seem that necessary now? Somehow I bet it doesn't.

Forgo jewelry and metal hair accessories. "It's gold," you say, indicating your bling, and insisting the detectors will ignore it. Or "I need to see where I'm going," you reply, touching the barrette securing the bangs from your eyes.

Ah, but a single forgotten barrette going through security can mean the difference between making your destination, or spending quality time in a small glass booth in the airport. Sure, people may admire your name written in giant fourteen carat gold lettering under normal circumstances. But no one will be noticing it when you're pressing your nose against that glass booth , steaming up the window with your screams, wondering when someone, anyone, is going to scan you so you can make your plane.

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HOW TO PACK FOR AIR TRAVEL
Packing smartly for your trip can make things easier for yourself as you go through airport security.

Regarding bringing fluids with you. New airport regulations do not allow fluids in carry-on luggage over 3 ounce bottles in a quart sized Ziploc bag.

This means you must drain your entire body of blood and urine before passing through security. Every person walking through the secure area must be a dry husk by law, so they cannot possibly use their bodily fluids to build any sort of detonation device.

See, what you may not be aware of is, urine contains ammonia. And under the proper conditions, ammonia can be a very noxious gas. Dehydration is the only way to absolutely ensure everyone remains safe.

Remember to cut off all fluids two days before any air travel plans. Three ounce cup-sized beverages will be served on the plane.

NOTE: You will now be charged $10 for all three ounce cup-sized beverages.

Regarding Carry-on Luggage. Each passenger is allowed two pieces of carry-on luggage. One must fit under the seat in front of you. The other must be stowed in the overhead compartments.

Due to recent cutbacks, the size of the overhead compartments is now the size of a child's lunchbox. So remember-- your case must now be no larger than a nine inch by nine inch square.

Also, because recent flights may be overbooked, the seat width now comfortably fits actor Verne Troyer (AKA "Mini-Me"). You will want to slim down accordingly.

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HOW TO FOLLOW AIRPORT PROCEDURES
The process of getting through airport security is an important one, and it is as much about having the proper attitude as anything else.

The best overall advice I can give you is to approach all security agents as if you were approaching the Soup Nazi. Polite, forward-moving, quiet, and no unnecessary greetings to startle them...

Specifically, we recommend the following:

Don't wait for that elderly lady who tries to merge in front of you. You will "hold up the line." And security will yell at you for this. Politeness does not matter in our secure world of today. Run the elderly lady over.

Don't get too eager about going through the metal detector, even if you're the next in line. Stay next to your own items on the conveyor belt and walk with them until they are scanned. Or else, security will yell at you. Remember, you could inadvertently stand next to the belongings of a person who has the nerve to carry 6 ounces of shampoo instead of 3. And that is a threat to our nation.
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AIR-TRAVEL IS FUN...
And by following these helpful tips, we at Of Cabbages and Kings hope you will experience the exciting, smooth and probe-free holiday vacation experience you deserve.

Disclaimer: The information on this page is in no way accurate or represents anything even remotely related to current airport security guidelines. Please contact your local airport for real and for true guidelines, or to speak to the security officer named Mongo.

Thank you.

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