Showing posts with label 80s television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 80s television. Show all posts

WWMD: What Would MacGyver Do?

Technical whiz. Humanitarian. Mediator. Mullet fashionista... In the 1980s, MacGyver was many a teenaged girl's Renaissance Man.

At least, among my circle of friends.

I was reminded of this recently, as conversation with some of these same friends-- recently reconnected due to the Seven Degrees of Separation Known As Facebook Stalking-- drifted back to the Swiss-Army superman we'd loved so well.

It was really only a matter of time.

MacGyver had absolutely topped our list of 80s heroes. Michael Knight of Knight Rider wasn't bad, but somehow deep-down we knew any guy who'd wear a black leather Member's Only jacket every single day, and whose best friend was his car, was just not relationship material.

I'd had a mysterious crush on Mike Nesmith of the Monkees-- the sarcasm, southern accent, sideburns and green wool hat was an acquired taste, I'll admit.

Harrison Ford was a particular favorite, too-- at least once I overcame the Kid-Brain Observational Barrier that prevented me from realizing Han Solo and Indiana Jones were actually played by the same person. (I don't exactly recall why it took me so long to figure this out. I can only say it was the same inconsistent value-assessment issue that caused me to think that Roddy McDowall was the Greatest Actor Ever because he played Cornelius in the Planet of the Apes films. I couldn't understand why he wasn't earning Oscars for this.)

And Johnny Depp as Tom Hanson of 21 Jump Street was a perennial on that list, prized not just because of his innate Depp-ness, but because that show was actually preachy enough it got my mom's Stamp of Approval.

But MacGyver.... Among my friends and I, MacGyver was a unifier. Someone we could all agree on.

Discussions around the lunch table covered all the normal drool-drenched fluff that hormonally-charged teenaged girls would dwell on. But inevitably, we would linger on MacGyver's impressive problem solving skills.

Yes, while boys would debate who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman, we would evaluate how our favorite TV hunks would get out of various jams.

"Who would be able to break out of prison first, Michael Knight or MacGyver?"

"Michael Knight would just call K.I.T.T. who would roll through the brick wall and bust him out."

"Yeah, but then the cops would know he broke out and be looking for him right away. MacGyver would weave his paper napkin from his meals into a super-tight string, and use it to either get the keys to his cell, or fashion it into an elaborate pulley-winch system, which used physics to bend the bars enough for him to get through."

(Science class was always disappointing to us, and I blame MacGyver. We never did cover making a bomb out of chewing gum, a can of baked beans, an aerosol hairspray can and a lighter. He set an example our teachers couldn't hope to live up to.)

In fact, no one quite compared. The A-Team members needed the whole team, a blowtorch and large plates of metal that happened to be lying around once a week, 15 minutes from the end of every program.

Magnum P.I. had personal connections.

Remington Steele had luck and Laura.

The Six-Million-Dollar Man had superpowers and a price tag.

Yes, when compared side-by-side to our other heroes, it seemed MacGyver was the only one who could get by entirely on his own innate wit and mechanical skill.

If we were stuck on a deserted island with only one TV leading man, we all agreed, you couldn't do much better than being stranded with MacGyver.

Plus, he's the only character from my youth that's had the distinction of becoming a verb.

Note: this post is dedicated to my high school lunch table friends, and was MacGyvered together from Grape Fruit Roll-Ups, duct tape, Superglue and a lot of coffee.

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Lee Majors Bionic Hearing Aids and TVLand Personal Care

"I wonder, if you go jogging, it makes that 'Eh-eh-eh-eh-cha-cha-cha-cha' noise."

It was the first thing I thought when I saw the ad for the Lee Majors Rechargable Bionic Hearing Aid. And while it doesn't mention it in the commercials, I really hope it does come equipped with some six-million-dollar sound-effects.

I mean, how cool would it be to not only be able to hear things you couldn't before, but a brisk walk around the mall before it opens has you sounding like you're about ready for take-off or to fight some baddies?

I could totally get behind that! Talk about empowering!

"What's that, Mildred?" you say smugly. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over my bionic 'eh-eh-eh-cha-cha-cha'."

That would just make me happy.

So that got me wondering what's next in the world of personal health care products for older Americans?

You're probably not too surprised that I have some suggestions:

  • The Eric "Ponch" Estrada Denture Set. Finally you can get the refrigerator-sized, white flawless teeth you weren't born with! These quality, glow-in-the-dark choppers are perfect for driving around on your chopper-- in uniform or taking the Mrs. for a late afternoon early-bird special. Patented Teflonite coating makes bug splatters drip right off! Meaning now you can feel free to smile and smile, along every mile!
  • The Evil Knievel Turbo Roundabout Power Scooter. The fastest power-chair of its kind, the Evil Knievel Power Scooter can go from 0 to 120 in six seconds. No more spending hours just trying to do simple grocery errands. No longer will you be passed on the sidewalk by energetic squirrels. And transporting it is easy. Simply use its special "Daredevil" setting and it propels from the ground to your trunk, up to six feet in height. Best of all, it's safe. Extensive tests show only one in 50 of these innovative scooters spontaneously combust in a fiery pit of flames. Get yours today!
  • The Henry "Fonzie" Winkler Hair Replacement System. Turn your hair from "meh" to "ayyyyyyyy!" with the new Henry "Fonzie" Winkler Hair Replacement System. This self-adhesive D.A.-style hair layer is both comfortable and discreet. Plus it's all-weather and, when used in combination with our special preparatory oil, complete water resistant! Comes with free Official Fonzie comb and mirror, just pay an extra $39.95 shipping and handling.
  • Catherine Bach's Daisy Duke Brand Support Hose. Having trouble walking and feeling less confident due to the pain and embarrassment of ugly varicose veins? Well, you'll be sliding in and out of the windows of your Lincoln Towncar in no time with Catherine Bach's new Daisy Duke Brand Support Hose. With these strong, stretchy, sexy hose, your legs will gain the kind of young, more alluring appearance that will have you cutting-off those polyester, elastic-waist trousers into some shorts! And the pain? Gone quicker than a mug of beer at the Boar's Nest! Yeee-haw!
  • George Peppard's "A-Gleam" Anti-Nicotine Tooth Whitener. This crack-commando whitener will fight the underground battle against tobacco stains, particularly those from your favorite cigar. Yes, when you have a whitening problem, when no one else can help, call the A-Gleam. Find it on your pharmacy shelves inside the box with the cheesy rubber-nose and mustache disguise. But act fast! Government agents should be trying to remove it shortly.
  • Raquel Welch Prosthetic Breast Augmentation Bra. Not getting the attention you used to from the 60-year-old hunks at the bingo parlor? Feeling lost and invisible, your confidence as deflated as your sagging boobs? Well, no more! Simply slip into the Raquel Welch Prosthetic Breast Augmentation Bra and you'll feel robust, your spirits uplifted! Guaranteed to make the most of any mu-mu!

Well, those are my ideas. But you're a clever bunch of folks, so I imagine you all have some to add to the list, too.

But for now, I have to go. I'm currently pitching Linda Carter's people my idea for the "Wonder Woman Bulletproof Lifecall Bracelets"...

"Pa-chaa! Pa-chaaa! Peeeww!"
Complete with realistic sound effects, of course.

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