Five Hour Energy and the Jeeves of Java

A commercial this morning taught me some new, very eye-opening negatives about coffee.

Apparently, you have to:
  • Make it
  • Wait for it
  • Fuss with it
  • Carry it around along with a briefcase and overcoat nearly spilling it upon your person
Or-- if you are unable to manage the painful inconvenience of those-- you must:
  • Stand in line for it.
While admittedly I have wished at times that caffeine could be injected directly into my veins-- particularly on those mornings where routine bloodwork becomes a temporary barrier to myself and glorious, life-giving java-- I had never considered the burden it is to actually make some of the stuff appear in a cup in my hand every day, and keep it there until safe consumption is complete.

But 5 Hour Energy tells me this is true. So I feel kinda like a powerhouse of get-it-doneness just for making this extraordinary personally-challenging event happen each morning!

The benefit of their product, 5 Hour Energy suggests, is in its instant gratification.
Just pop it open and chug. Unless you don't have any in the house because you couldn't remember to buy any. Like the coffee. In which case you have to:
  • Drive to the store
  • Figure out where the frig the store stocks it
  • Wait in line for it
  • Wait until the cashier scans it
  • Yank it out of her hand before she puts it in the bag
  • Rip open the lid, which hopefully is easier to do than those little creamer containers you get with your coffee which usually end up squirting you in the eye
  • Drink it
  • Pause for harsh words from other shoppers for holding up the line while chugging your on-the-go jolt of non-coffee instead of...
  • Paying for it.
But, see, and I hesitate to even mention this... I think in 5 Hour Energy's desire to showcase their benefits, they might have accidentally totally not intentionally missed a handy, yet little-known facet about the process involved in crafting a pot of their brethren in wake-up beverages...

Technology has given some of us rare, lucky individuals this thing called the Coffeemaker with Timer. When properly programmed, it is the discreet butler of caffeine, the Jeeves of Java. And it allows for that beautiful brew to come to life without proximity to a lifeform with active brain cells.

It's neat that way.

Now, it may not eliminate the obvious fussing and gravity problems associated with coffee. But it does save on time. Plus, it tastes so good with breakfast foods...

Like pre-sliced cracker-sized cheese squares and pre-fried bacon.


Shieldmaiden96 said...

The latest ads for 5HE amuse me. They used to market to the midday slumpers; the earliest commercials showed twentysomethings just barely making it through the afternoon in their tautly-tailored Abercombie office wear, as if the weeknight happy hour was catching up to them in their normally responsible and successful workday world. Now they have responsible looking womenfolk asking the burning philosophical question of the ages: "What will YOUR reason be for drinking it?" as if its consumption is an inevitability we all just have to settle down and get comfortable with. She can dress like she stepped over from the 'have you been injured in an accident' commercial set all she likes, but 5HE is still sold in a rack at the truckstop next to the chrome-finish reclining nude air fresheners.

Unknown said...

Kim- Ah, that marketing spin... it leaves ya dizzy and just a little bit breathless.

Or that could just be from the weeknight happy hour which lasted until five in the morning which is why you're wearing the same tautly-tailored Abercrombie office wear you wore the day before. :)

HumorSmith said...

I'm really thinking I need more than 5 hours worth of energy. Wake me when they have 24 Hour Energy.

Jeff said...

You see, the person who wrote this ad doesn't understand the coffee drinker. It is much more than waking up. It's the taste, the aroma and the relaxing feeling up sitting down with a hot cup!

baldychaz said...

Your argument is very persuasive and yet still they will sell loads of it. I am still in shock over being able to buy pre grated cheese etc i am by nature a lazy man but really?

meleah rebeccah said...

Yeah, I'm with you. 5 Hour Energy will NEVER replace my morning coffee. Especially since I use a Keurig maker!

Unknown said...

HumorSmith- I believe that's called "Mania", Kelly. People are institutionalized for that sort of behavior. :)

Jeff- So true! The hot mug. The moment of quiet reflection. The nutty flavor. You do not get that from a sugar chug.

Chaz- Maybe there are a lot of people out there with carpal tunnel. :)

Meleah- I love my own coffeemaker too. And I pre-set it, so I come down to hot fresh brew every morning. Unlike the dude on the 5 Hour Energy ad, who seems to have just been recovering from a bender, so can't be responsible for setting the coffeemaker the night before.


To destroy any illusions...This stuff contains about as much caffeine as a cup and a half of coffee. The active ingredient or mind buster is a synthetic version of oxen bile called Taurene. It is about 5 times as powerful as caffeine. So, enjoy that morning cup of synthetic ox bile and think WORK! It's morning in America, again.
Great post.