Doggs and Reindeer Living Together, Mass Hysteria

I'd pretty much pooh-poohed all the paranoid blather about 2012 being the End of the World As We Know It...

Until this morning. Because I do believe I saw evidence we're headed that way.

I was flipping channels, enjoying my beloved morning java, and there on my television screen was Martha Stewart and Snoop-Dogg, making holiday brownies together in jarring, surreal camaraderie-- and rapping about it.

Martha Stewart. Rapping.

Snoop-Dogg. Baking.

This alone may be proof that something decidedly strange is up with the Universe.

For me, however, all else remains per the holiday norm. For instance, the Annual Christmas Self-Crippling is well underway.

Yes, nothing suggests a festive holiday like spending it twisted and hobbled like a cross-dressing Tiny Tim with a gland disorder!

I'm not sure why exactly, but every year at this time, I feel compelled to spread Holiday Perfection to all corners of my home-- and apparently mostly those that require ladders and Twister-like contortionist skillz to reach them.

The fact is, my father will be the main person to see this Winter Wonderland of Interior Excess.

And this is a man whose feels he's really home-cooked when nuking instructions exceed three minutes...

A fellow whose most-used dishes come on a roll labeled "Brawny."

There really isn't a lot of pressure here.

Christmas won't skip to next door just because one wayward dust bunny isn't wearing a Santa hat.

Ebeneezer Scrooge won't humbug for all eternity if I don't get the Dickens Village set up this year.

The world will not end if the sugarplums are not moshing away in La-La Land.

If anything, the world ends when Snoop-Dogg starts telling us how to get the perfect glaze on the ham we smoked in our own smokehouse.

The gig is over when Martha starts her program with "Yo, yo, yo, peeps! S to the A to the N-T-A!"

But alas, I still find myself thinking-- if I could only uncover some way to wrap festive holiday lights around the electric heating pad I will be strapped to for the next five days, I could truly multitask.

Some things never change, I suppose.

Hail to your mommas.


Joel Klebanoff said...

Despite the fact that Snoop-Dogg isn't yet giving ham-glazing advice and Martha isn't yet yo-yo-yoing, you've convinced me that the end is nigh. I'm preparing my survival kit.

Your dad sounds like an awesome dude. I like the way he thinks.

Anonymous said...

Yikes, you could have given us a warning that this was a HORROR post!

Martha Stewart rapping?

Let the nightmares begin!

Jenn Thorson said...

Joel- No, but he was all into the brownie baking. And Martha WAS rapping. Sorta. It was awkward to watch, really. Kinda like seeing a bad stand-up comedian trying too hard.

Quirky- Heh, sorry, Quirks. But isn't it better to know it's out there, lurking? :)

Anonymous said...


Don't know what the word is, unless it's "weird" but...

Woooord to your father! :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I just want to stare and stare at that picture.

Seriously though, you HAVE TO set up the Dickens village. Menaced by a big plastic t-rex or similar marauding lizard. That'd be awesome. (I'd have one of those but Seamus would maraud it for reals)

Jenn Thorson said...

Unfinished Rambler- I'm just picturing you trying rap-star hand gestures as you say that. And I am snickering. :)

Shieldmaiden- My Dickens buildings are actually London landmarks, like Big Ben and the Tower Bridge... But now I'm thinking I might put a couple of Dr. Who action figures in there and see if Dad notices.

Mwahahah. I just wish I had a little TARDIS to nestle among the snow.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

BONUS! You can get K-9! For next year, maybe.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shieldmaiden- Woo-hoo! :) You know, I really AM going to see about adding in my Doctor Who action figures...

That would just be hysterical.

We'll see if I have time tonight.

Beer Drinker Rob said...

Hey Jenn.

This is not as strange a sight as you are suggesting. First of all, you know Snoop has experience making brownies. He has one special ingredient, if you catch my drift. And it's not the glaze he's advising on, it's the smoking.

I'm sure he got Martha all liquored up before the show, too. Maybe some gin and juice?

Jenn Thorson said...

Beer Drinker- Heh, yes, I get your drift. And you probably have a point. :) He may have been disappointed when he saw it was sprinkles they were adding to those brownies.

It was an incredibly strange sight to see, though.

Kinda like Dick Cheney surrounded by cuddly kittens. :)

Beer Drinker Rob said...

My guess is that he got an invite to "bake with Martha" and he was too embarrassed to call it off when he realized it was in the kitchen.

Sorry for the poor joke.

Jenn Thorson said...

Beer Drinker- Hey, never apologize for a joke. I mean, if we did that, I'd be apologizing to you all daily...

And that just clutters up the Feed Readers. :)

Anonymous said...

Do you really have a Dickens Village?


Jenn Thorson said...

Anonymous- Well, maybe if I set it up and add Doctor Who and a Dalek infiltration, I might. :)

ReformingGeek said...

Heating pad? Oh, no. I hope all the pieces and parts are back in working order soon.

I'm so sorry I missed Martha and Snoop-Werewolf. I hope I can handle the baking without them.

I feel the need to turn on some rap. I wonder why.

Jenn Thorson said...

Refoming Geek- Oh, I'll be fine once I stop hefting stuff and climbing things.

You can rap while you wrap. :) said...

I feel your pain... literally. My foray into the wild to chop down a tree yesterday resulted in a pulled muscle in my back... to go along with the injured knee that's still healing. Maybe I should have just stayed home to rap & bake with Martha and Snoop Dogg.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

And word backatcha mutha!

I couldn't believe this when I heard about it and at least they cooked "brownies" (wink wink) together. Cuz you know Snoop dug in his stash for THAT recipe, yo.

Anonymous said...

Oh Miss Martha, say it isn't so. I'm so over Martha; why can't anyone see through her mystique? She's got a bazillion staff members who give her the ideas and wherewithall to make her show.

And I wish she'd stop sending me her magazine every month. I don't subscribe to it, but there it is...every a bad habit, it never goes away.

I don't know what 'elite' list I'm on that I get free Martha mags, but I'd like to be dropped from it.

Unknown said...

CatLady- Oh, I hope the pain subsides quickly! Injury for the holidays is a bummer.

Nanny Goats- He was having fun making vague jokes about that, and Martha was having fun pretending she didn't know what he was talking about. :)

Mad Texter- I too am receiving her magazine from out of nowhere! I didn't subscribe, and yet LO-- here's Martha Stewart Living. I guess we both got on the "We need to flesh out our circulation so let's send freebies to Corey and Jenn" list.

I have to say, I really enjoyed looking at her different Christmas trees in it. But the magazine is mostly a ton of ads.

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Happy Holidays!


jay said...

Yes, why do we feel compelled to overdo things at this season? At least I've stopped nailing things to the ceiling at great personal risk, but I still shop for five thousand ... *Sigh*

Merry Christmas to you and your heating pad - your Dad, too! I hope you unkink soon!