Extreme Classic Novel Makeover

"The trouble with classic books," modern readers say, "is that they just don't speak to today's generation. It's all about old boring people in starched clothing, rambling on for pages in stilted conversations that don't say anything. Nothing ever happens...

"Where's the action? Where's the sex? Where's the gratuitous violence, and the remakes of the remakes of remakes that we've come to know and pay seven dollars for at the box office?"

Well, now there's Extreme Classic Novel Makeover! Check out just a few of the exciting classic novels being modernized to accomodate our short attention spans, fast-paced technology, and morbid fascination with self-centered people with no original thought who'd sell their grandma into slavery for five minutes on camera.

Let's look inside!...

  • Waiting for Dogot- The existential tale of two people waiting forever for that Taco Bell dog to appear on their computer screens, after an email forward promises it will-- so long as they sent it to five people.
  • Last of the Mojitos- Social worker Natty Bumppo holds a peace negotiations party with a local warring gang only to find relations even more strained when the mixed drinks begin to run out.
  • Jane-Air- The dramatic tale of forbidden love, dark secrets, and the first quality central air-conditioning system.
  • The Old Man and the C- An aging fisherman finds new fishing restrictions encourage a career change as a C programmer. Look for the second book in the series, The Really Old Man and the C++.
  • The House of Seven Clark Gables- Los Vegas celebrity impersonation business faces eviction and a sudden, disasterous lack of character variety.
  • Lord of the Fries- After a nuclear holocaust, local life revolves around a fast food restaurant, where high calorie foods are used as a barter system, and survivors struggle for power and tasty fried potatoes.
  • Atlas GPSed- The philosophical tale of how individuals must find their path in life, even if it involves advanced satellite technology.
  • Call of the Girls Gone Wild- The tale of an aging domestic goddess lured by a life of boob-flashing, booze and competing for male attention against girls half her age.
  • Uncle Tom's Condo- The eye-opening story of social unrest among the condo set as a middle-income family manages to purchase property in an elite neighborhood.
  • The Man in the Iron Chef- An edge-of-your-seat thriller about the arrest and imprisonment of a Japanese culinary artist forced to participate in a regular televised cooking competition or face deadly consequences.

And now, you fans of Extreme Classic Novel Makeover can suggest titles you'd like to see in our Extreme Classic Novel Makeover Library! Just leave a comment below or send your self-exploitative video file to: extremeclassicnovelmakeoversowedonthavetothinkanymoreoftheseupourselves @ extremeclassicnovelmakeover dot com.

See you on the flipped page, friends!


Susan Whelan said...

Great post. I so want to come up with a witty title here in the comments, but my sleep deprived brain just can't.

Shall now go to bed (it's approaching midnight local time) feeling very un-witty and un-cultured. *sigh* Will go to sleep in the hope that inspiration will come in a dream and I can impress you all with my insightful yet humorous comment tomorrow.

Thanks Jen, as always, for another post that makes me smile.

Unknown said...

Susan- Hey, you stopped by and read it-- that's more than I could possible ask for-- thank you! :) Sleep well.

Moooooog35 said...

Moby's Dick: An in-depth examination of the singer's pale, white penis.

A Tale of Two Shitties: Two twin sisters, each with irritable bowel syndrome, try to find a man who can deal with the ever-present smell of potpourri spray.

The Diary of Fenway Frank: A crappy steamed hot dog, hiding alone in a vendor's bin, struggles to remain undetected amongst 30,000 hungry Red Sox fans.

Unknown said...

Heh, erm, Mooog, dear--are these tales for the modern reader, or future blog posts for MentalPoo? :) They've got a very specific, er, Mooogy scent to them.

(PS- Really liked Diary of Fenway Frank... I think that has a real future in the Boston market.)

Nooter said...

phone book II- dont care what its about just so long as the plots better that the first release

Unknown said...

Nooter- Oh, but Phone Book has a little bit of everything, doesn't it?

No, wait-- I see-- you're reading "PhoneBook: the White Edition."

I was thinking of "Phone Book: The Yellow Edition."

Da Old Man said...

How about the self esteem building kiddies title, "The Little Engine That Tried Really Hard but Didn't Make it up the Hill, and his Friends Still Like Him."
A book for the pre-pubescent set that let's them know almost is good enough.

Unknown said...

Da Old Man- I'd say that's going to be an absolute best-seller for today.

A moral tale of mediocrity at its best!

ReformingGeek said...

The Dairy of Anne Frank - A tale of love, service, and beef as dairy cow Anne falls for Frank the bull and, um, Frank's evetual departure.

Unknown said...

How about Withering Lows, a story of an Irish lout in love with a prostitute who is really his sister's father's second brother who is the master of his own domain and keeps the girl from the Irish rogue.
Yeah, I know. That sucked. Hahaha

Unknown said...

ReformingGeek- Ah, true love-- and livestock! :)

EttaRose- Heh, I like it! Thanks for coming in with the Wuthering Heights spoof-- and it sounds as ridden with drama, pain and anger management problems as the original-- but with a new twist. :)

jay said...

"Lord of the Fries"! ROFL!!

Although I have to say if you think nothing happened in the book and that it was all about starchy people waffling on, you can't have read it. :p

MikeWJ / Too Many Mornings said...

I loved this post and am so jealous that I didn't think of this idea. In the spirit of good fun, however, here are my novel ideas:

The Postman Only Rings Once – The growing popularity of e-mail and Post Office budget cuts take their toll on a married woman’s illicit affair with a handsome young drifter. Despondent, they soon abandon their plan to murder her insensitive husband, break up and turn to Internet porn to meet their needs.

Of Rice and Zen — A mismatched pair of itinerant Samurais dream of owning their own rice farm until the big, dumb one named Renny accidentally kills a Geisha. To spare Renny from a painful death at the hands of an angry mob, Gorou lops his head off with a sword and then commits hari-kari in a climatic final act of despair.

A Farewell to Barns — Set against the tragic backdrop of the war in Iraq, a wounded soldier named Henry falls in love with Catherine, the beautiful widow of an organic dairy farmer who was killed by a mortar in Fallujah. Now married, they bravely try to make the farm successful, selling their milk and cheese at a farmers’ market until the subprime mortgage crisis sends the price of organic dairy products through the roof. When they go bankrupt, Catherine suffers a heart attack from the stress and dies, and Henry is left standing in the rain with his last cow, Daisy.

Anonymous said...

This is such a cool post! Made me smile!

Unknown said...

Mike- Hey, if Extreme Classic Novel Makeover were hiring (or, y'know- real), I'd offer you a job. :) My fave is of "Rice and Zen." Nothing like a tragic samurai buddy story. :)

Liggybee- I'm glad-- thanks for stopping by.