Who You Gonna Call? Dustbusters!

Are you troubled by strange creatures that cling to your slippers at night?

Do you experience feelings of dread in the basement or attic, or that one corner by the central air vent?

Have you or your family ever been attacked by a hairball, dirt demon or dust bunny?

If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals... Dustbusters.

Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your particulate elimination needs...

We are ready to reprieve you.

Yesterday I found myself tackling a full-torso, free-roaming fibrous accumulation behind the bed. I have no idea how long it had been lurking there, plotting, growing, occasionally sending off sections of itself-- we call 'em "scouts" in the trade-- to check out the potential for full-fledged domestic takeover.

With the scouts typically sucked up and contained fairly quickly, the Class 2 dirt demon had found its information lacking. Its minions never to return. Its nefarious plot temporarily delayed.

That did not prevent it from a full-baseboard, sub-bedframe haunting.

The equipment for the work is pretty straight-forward. A Shop-Vac handheld 350X with a particle inhalation attachment. I call it the Slurper. I shot out only about a half-power oxy-vac ray and, for all its bluster, the dirt demon didn't stand a chance.

Oh, sure, it cursed my name and made idle threats to return again, I hadn't seen the last of it, and blah, blah, blah. But, they all do, don't they? It's a part of the genre. I sometimes wish they'd put a little more originality into the patter. Just to mix things up a little.

Of course, there are also the Class 5 animorphics, which are fun. They get particularly tricky if you have pets. What they like to do is collect in common areas-- say under a dining chair, in a corner, on a windowsill. And then they try to impersonate your beloved dog or cat.

Yep, some of these Class 5 animorphics have gone years pretending to be your dear Mr. Muggles or Captain Meowsers. The most cunning of them have even been known to get the homeowner to take 'em for a walk... buy them little outfits... blog for them.

It's sometimes even hard to convince the homeowner that it isn't Petey Pupperkins there, but his dusty doppleganger. The ower puts up a fight. Then you slurp up the fake Petey leaving nothing behind but a couple old buttons and a paperclip, and they have to admit they might have been mistaken.

The sense of betrayal is what gets 'em.

We'll find ol' Pupperkins down in the basement, tied up with bits of sewing thread and lost twist ties, though, and the clients' relief is all worth it. That's when I ask them to write me a check.

Anyway, I have to go. I've got to tag and bag that dust demon and a couple of animorphics. I don't like to leave 'em together too long before they start to mass and mobilize.

This house is clean.

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What can Dustbusters do for your particulate elimation needs? Contact us today!

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13 comments:

Shawn said...

I have a Class 3 Computer Critter threatening to take down my hard drive tower in a small scale reenactment of 9/11. Please help, Dustbusters!

Jenn Thorson said...

Shawn- Ah, what you want to do there is get yourself a compressed air can and a small-holed net. The feel of that compressed air drives 'em batty. So you want to shoot that at them, but have that net on the other side. They'll practically bag themselves.

ReformingGeek said...

AAAAACHOOOO!

I think I need to dust here. Is there a local number I can call?

You're right, though, I'd better do roll call and watch out for cat impersonators.

Very funny post, Jenn!

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- You can tell if your cat is actually made of dust if it seems really unusually friendly. Also, if it doesn't swat you in the head in the morning when it wants to be fed. :)

babs said...

Or if it doesn't come out when there are crunchies in the bowl. Or poke you to get up already.

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Yep-- a sure sign of a dusty doppleganger! :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Hee hee!

Sorry, that's all I have to say about that. No witty comeback. Just lots of laughter.

:)

- Margaret

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

After reading your post, I decided to check under my bed for critters. I wish I hadn't. Now I can't sleep there anymore. Too scared. Will have to move soon.....

Jenn Thorson said...

NannyGoats- Always glad to get your goat... er... no, wait, that's not what I wanted... Um...

Thanks for stopping by! Yeah, that's what I meant!

Mike- Hm... sounds like you might have a full-fledged mass dustbunny migration... You might need to call somebody about that. Might need to bring out the Dyson Cyclonic Suction 12-90B, too.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

This reminds me of that time you tried to drill a hole in your head, Egon.

Love that movie.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- "That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me." :)

It was an incredibly quotable film.

chyna said...

That dust bunny looks so cute, kinda like the puppy my dd brought home..... Um do these dopplegangers give off heat?

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- Hmmm... it sounds like you have a live one there. Or, um, not a LIVE one per se, but...

Oh, YOU know what I'm saying! :)