Let's Get Our Old Wives On!


They say trouble come in threes. Who are They? Aw, those Old Wives who always have so much to say when butter won't churn and dogs bark at midnight.

So Friday, I'd told you about my 2009 Mother Nature's Super-Speed Basement Flooding and Spider Relocation Program. Let's call that Old Wife Trouble Number One.

Then, my being sideswiped on Friday morning as I drove to work-- which left my back wheel at a nifty unnatural angle that I've discovered is more artistic than functional-- I believe qualifies for Old Wife Trouble Number Two.

So I ask you folks-- how can we make the most of Old Wife Trouble Number Three? Y'know, if we believed these sorts of things (which we don't, but for the purpose of this post, we're gonna be strong Old Wife Supporters).

I mean, let's forgo the "Jenn Snuffing it in Some Tragic Yet Creative Way" from this list. As that would mean no more blog posts. And I kinda like chatting with you guys three times a week, so I would be dead and bummed out.

Let's get really jiggy with the Old Wife Trouble Three! (And preferably never, ever have to use the word "jiggy" again.) Here are my suggestions:

  • Being stalked by Pauly Shore and tied up and forced to watch Biodome on a loop (credit to Kathcom of MajickSandwich for the Biodome suggestion... I think. :) )
  • Plague of locusts strategically centered on my small sliver of property. Locusts then do Busby Berkley-style musical, in shifts, for 24 hours straight using chorus-line kicks and rubbing their legs together to create harmony. They love Mama Mia.
  • Finding self in situation where I'm in my old high school in my underwear-- and I'm already awake. Having to explain to hall monitor that I have no hall pass, given I have no pockets.
  • Discovering that Tom Cruise is actually my long-lost brother. Wishing I could lose him again quickly before he sets his sights on my sofa.
  • Opening my Netflix to find that the only videos they can now send me are Legends of the Fall, Gigli, and The Notebook. And no, I can't cancel my service.
  • Learning my home is on a rare pit of Pennsylvania SlowSand-- not as quick as quicksand, it takes eight years before you notice it's suddenly sucked your home under in a day.
  • Get papers saying in a moment of sleepwalking, I'd inadvertently married CarrotTop. And he's really happy about it. In fact, he's created some props to show me just how much.

Okay, I have to stop now. I think I just made myself vomit slightly there.

So what suggestions do you have for my very worst Third Trouble?

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I will probably somewhat dilute this whole post by sharing some good news I had with you last evening... I found out that I took Second Place in Humorpress' April/May writing contest. You can check that out here.

Congrats also to two fellow Humorbloggers-- VE who came in at a sparkly First Place, and Ann of Ann's Rants, in a very lovely Fifth Place. Way to go, folkses!

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20 comments:

Susan @ Reading Upside Down said...

Firstly congratulations - I'm glad you were able to inject some positivity into the Old Wives doom and gloom.

Hmm. Old Wives misery #3? I think I may have already experienced that on your behalf. Last week I was trapped for almost 2 hours in my parents' sunroom with my parents, two sisters, 7 year old nephew and my own children (ages 5, 8 and 10). The room is cramped at the best of times. It was standing room only.

My parents were having their house re-wired, so there were workmen in the other rooms of the house and we couldn't even make a cup of coffee to get us through the afternoon. We just got to spend a "delightful" afternoon together that served as a reminder of just why it was that I moved out of home in the first place.

Of course, your Old Wives misery #3 could be discovering that you have been nominated as part of a US/Australian exchange program and my family will be your host family.

JD at I Do Things said...

Congrats on your 2d place showing in the writing contest. Will check that out immediately.

Um . . . I liked The Notebook. I didn't think I would. It was the selection at my monthly movie club, and before I could wipe the smirk off my face, I was bawling.

Just had to confess.

Jenn Thorson said...

Susan- Hm, I will keep alert for unexpected Australians. :)

Though I suspect dealing with one's own family is always a lot more challenging than dealing with someone else's family.

Sounds like you had your family quota for the next year or so!


JD- I just don't like crying films very much. I feel all manipulated when a movie tries to make me get weepy. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

You meet this really fabulous guy-- kind, funny, attractive, similar interests, really digs you, and in the course of getting to know one another you discover that he is

HEIR TO THE HELLMAN'S MAYONNAISE FORTUNE.

And you can't quite shake the feeling that just under the surface of nice clean guy smell lurks the whiff of emulsified oils and whipped eggs.

kathcom said...

Thanks for the Biodome attribution, I think....

I'd like to add that Stephen Baldwin was also in that picture and I'm watching him compete on I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. Much better acting in this one. (Shouldn't have admitted I'm watching that--it's brain candy.)

The Netflix thing would be a real nightmare. Here's another one for you: being forced to eat wings for all eternity with no soda and no napkins.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

A Will Ferrell movie marathon.

MikeWJ / Too Many Mornings said...

I think incurable narcolepsy could be a serious third problem. Although also handy in certain situations. If commentator Susan at Reading Upside Down suffered from narcolepsy, for example, she could've just ignored her relatives last week by pretending to go to sleep until that misery ended. Or what must have been JD's incredibly bored boyfriend (girlfriend?) could've dozed off while she (he?) watched The Notebook and sobbed. Or, you could claim that you were perfectly normal until the accident and now you have incurable narcolepsy and need a multimillion dollar settlement to enjoy life. So maybe narcolepsy's not the worst third problem to have. Maybe it's something else, like being longwinded. People often tell me that's a HUGE problem, but I'm not sure why.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shieldmaiden- That made me laugh so hard. I should be embarrassed everyone knows about my Mayo Fear, but somehow the running joke is now too good to care. :) PS- I think I would try to put the eggy-gooeyness out of my head for this Mr. Mayo you describe... I mean, nobody's perfect. :)

Kathcom- With the wings, I'd get indigestion AS WELL as be slathered in sauce. So, two-for-one, really!

Chris- Wow... yeah... Um... Wow.... I guess this wouldn't include ones where he just had a small part-- like Zoolander, right?

MikeWJ- This J.D's a gal, but I don't know the verdict on J.D's husband's "Notebook" participation. :) But I'm actually kinda liking this whole narcolepsy thing. I mean, that would help me in stressful meetings, too! "So what is your plan to handle this, Jenn?" "ZZZZZZZZZZZ."

Da Old Man said...

The Zombie Apocolypse would be too obvious, and you have already "paid tribute" to Carrot Top and Paulie Shore, perhaps in an effort to save money, your company combines cubicles/offices and you are forced to work closely with a co-worker who insists on filling the cubicle with music. Polka music.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

You win tickets to the Michael Jackson comeback tour, are forced at knife point to go and when he sees you in the crowd he decides you will be completely perfect as his children's next nanny.

Not bad? No....maybe not.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- I am already peering at my coworkers, giving them the StinkEye, trying to discern which one of them is a closet Polka Fanatic.... Hmmmm.....

Lisa- Creeeeeepiness. Now I know what my newest recurring nightmare will be. :)

(Though first, I would be a-SELLING those tickets to the Michael Jackson comeback tour. He can come back all he wants-- I don't have to be there for it. ) :)

ReformingGeek said...

Congrats on your win!

The next trouble will be the high pressure area bringing us temps in the 100's is moving your way!

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

That's the scariest shit you've ever written.

MA Fat Woman said...

I kinda liked Legends of the Fall. Maybe, by expressing your opinion on everthing coming in threes, noting will happen. That was the third thing...it could work, right?

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- More weather-- I can't control my excitement. (shakes head sadly)

John- Oh, I know, zombies... tree monsters... nothing compared to accidentally marrying Carrottop!

MA Fat Woman- I like the way you think! :)

babs said...

Your third trouble will be that your netflix is delivering insipid third movies. Crocodile Dundee in L.A., X-Men 3 and the Godfather, Pt. 3. As a special bonus, you will receive the sequel to Caddyshack. There will be no beer or chocolate in the house.

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Heh, that's inspired! Not that I'm excited about the impending Netflix third sequel list, mind you. But as torture, Cheney really should have considered this method before waterboarding. :)

Unfinished Rambler said...

Sometimes, like today, I can relate to that Pennsylvania SlowSand. I've been here for most of my 40 years and it still keeps sucking...

Jeff said...

Congrats on your award. That piece was hysterical!

Jenn Thorson said...

Unfinished Rambler- That might include much of our weather, too. :)

Jeff- Oh, thanks so much!