"Evil baby growls"... Those are keywords that helped a single Google searcher reach Cabbages, time and time again...
If it were just once, I might toss it away in the ol' mental filing cabinet with other common searches like: "name of Rooster on Bugs Bunny and Tweety show" (that's Foghorn Leghorn, my friend)...
The "i spend too much time on the internet" cries of help (you can get it here, kind searcher)...
And the "office prank revenge" needs... (this way, folks, if you please)...
See, it's frustrating to me, because I know can assist these people! Google, oh Google, why must the discourse be so one-sided?
But my "evil baby growls" bud has come back to Of Cabbages and Kings every week or so, seeking out what must be assumed to be only the very rarest of evil infant information.
And every time the keywords crop up, I find myself wondering:
"Great Googly-Moogly, what the hell are you looking for, O Searcher?"
And wishing I could just ask.
Now, initially, I was thinking it might be a sound effect file for a video he or she is crafting...
Some YouTube bit where a beloved young'un tests the aerodynamic capabilities of Spaghetti O's after calculating angle of trajectory, distance, and air-sauce resistance... And then laughs maniacally, in a spine-tingling voice well beyond its years.
Family humor at its finest.
Ah, but now I'm starting to think that's just too simple. I mean, what do most people turn to the internet to look up? Why, health information, news, and mommy blogs!
I suspect this person has a demonically-possessed infant and is trying to tell what the different Evil Baby Growls mean.
Sort of the "What To Expect When You're Exorcising" handbook.
Oh yes, I can see it now:
Babies cries are very versatile. They may cry because they're hungry, they're wet, they don't feel well, or they just want attention. In the case of a baby that happens to be possessed by the Forces of Darkness, however, this adds an extra challenge for Mommy and Daddy to interpret. Sometimes, Baby's true meaning can be fairly subtle. For instance:
- "Rrrrrrrr, I'll swallow your soul!" can mean you need to use more Holy Water, or it can mean the baby is just hungry.
- The spitting of a split-pea by-product can mean the child needs a few more Latin explusion verses read over him or her by a qualified person of the cloth. Or that the child enjoyed Gerber strained peas for dinner, and it's backed up a little.
- "Mwaaahaaahhaaaathe End of the World is nigh, foolish mortals!" might mean the demonic minion inside your little bundle of joy is trying to undermine your courage. Or that those stewed prunes you gave him for supper are going to shortly cause you to evacuate the room.
Smart parents will learn to watch for cues to determine the cause of each, and adjust their actions accordingly.
So, I guess what it comes down to is this: I may never know what my "evil baby growls" searcher is looking for. But I hope, if he or she comes across this post, that the visitor will leave me a comment and let me know.
The curiosity is getting to be too much. And if it's the infant demonic possession? I'll be glad to hear it. Because this means there's a serious niche market on the web that needs to be filled, and I think I could be the one to write it!
All I'd need would be to interview a few pediatricians, a couple of clergy, and-- oh, maybe a Hazmat jumpsuit.
Have you folks had any search terms you've wondered about recently? I'd be glad for the laughs.