What To Expect When You're Exorcising and Other Keyword Curiosities

"Evil baby growls"... Those are keywords that helped a single Google searcher reach Cabbages, time and time again...

If it were just once, I might toss it away in the ol' mental filing cabinet with other common searches like: "name of Rooster on Bugs Bunny and Tweety show" (that's Foghorn Leghorn, my friend)...

The "i spend too much time on the internet" cries of help (you can get it here, kind searcher)...

And the "office prank revenge" needs... (this way, folks, if you please)...

See, it's frustrating to me, because I know can assist these people! Google, oh Google, why must the discourse be so one-sided?

But my "evil baby growls" bud has come back to Of Cabbages and Kings every week or so, seeking out what must be assumed to be only the very rarest of evil infant information.

And every time the keywords crop up, I find myself wondering:

"Great Googly-Moogly, what the hell are you looking for, O Searcher?"

And wishing I could just ask.

Now, initially, I was thinking it might be a sound effect file for a video he or she is crafting...

Some YouTube bit where a beloved young'un tests the aerodynamic capabilities of Spaghetti O's after calculating angle of trajectory, distance, and air-sauce resistance... And then laughs maniacally, in a spine-tingling voice well beyond its years.

Family humor at its finest.

Ah, but now I'm starting to think that's just too simple. I mean, what do most people turn to the internet to look up? Why, health information, news, and mommy blogs!

I suspect this person has a demonically-possessed infant and is trying to tell what the different Evil Baby Growls mean.

Sort of the "What To Expect When You're Exorcising" handbook.

Oh yes, I can see it now:

Babies cries are very versatile. They may cry because they're hungry, they're wet, they don't feel well, or they just want attention. In the case of a baby that happens to be possessed by the Forces of Darkness, however, this adds an extra challenge for Mommy and Daddy to interpret. Sometimes, Baby's true meaning can be fairly subtle. For instance:

  • "Rrrrrrrr, I'll swallow your soul!" can mean you need to use more Holy Water, or it can mean the baby is just hungry.
  • The spitting of a split-pea by-product can mean the child needs a few more Latin explusion verses read over him or her by a qualified person of the cloth. Or that the child enjoyed Gerber strained peas for dinner, and it's backed up a little.
  • "Mwaaahaaahhaaaathe End of the World is nigh, foolish mortals!" might mean the demonic minion inside your little bundle of joy is trying to undermine your courage. Or that those stewed prunes you gave him for supper are going to shortly cause you to evacuate the room.

Smart parents will learn to watch for cues to determine the cause of each, and adjust their actions accordingly.

So, I guess what it comes down to is this: I may never know what my "evil baby growls" searcher is looking for. But I hope, if he or she comes across this post, that the visitor will leave me a comment and let me know.

The curiosity is getting to be too much. And if it's the infant demonic possession? I'll be glad to hear it. Because this means there's a serious niche market on the web that needs to be filled, and I think I could be the one to write it!

All I'd need would be to interview a few pediatricians, a couple of clergy, and-- oh, maybe a Hazmat jumpsuit.

Have you folks had any search terms you've wondered about recently? I'd be glad for the laughs.


Marvel Goose said...

Every Day I get a search for "Turtle Sex". Now that I have made this comment on your blog -- so will you!

Shawn said...

Oh, I get some strange ones. Ones that make me wonder what kind of place I'm running. Ones that make me fear for our world. But one lately that made me laugh for some reason was "What would make a shark perfect?"

What indeed.

Jenn Thorson said...

Marvel- Gosh, I feel so honored. Hm, did I say 'honored'? I meant... perplexed. Amused. And a little horrified.

I wonder if it's one of the Comcast Slowsky's (turtle mascots) looking for relationship advice.

Shawn- Shark perfection... now that's a good one. Perhaps being able to swim in reverse as well as forward? Having a laser on his head as the ultimate Evil Overlord tool of destruction? Um, one with no teeth and a cheery disposition named Lassie?

Just trying to help.

The Mother said...

As a mom of four, I still don't buy the idea that different cries have actual meaning.

So I'm not sure that a baby growling manual would be any more useful.

I think it's more of a sliding scale from normal baby to devil spawn, depending on time of day, child tiredness level and mother frustration rating.

Mine tended to stay closer to the exorcism level on a regular basis.

I do hope this helps your searcher. But probably not.

ReformingGeek said...

Hum...if the baby starts shooting laser bolts from his eyes, does this have meaning? I'm sure this goes with the growling.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mother- Good to have an "in" of knowledge on the niche market. :) Perhaps some other moms will be willing to chime in here about whether they'd prefer something like a cry/symptom breakdown, or a sliding scale.

ReformingGeek- Laser bolts might indicate possession, yes. Or perhaps that Baby is an android or alien lifeform.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

My oddest search words were "mom and dad take care of the baby gopher". I'm dead serious.

Love the picture of the demon baby.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- Now you're got me wondering... is that the name of a children's book, or a kid looking for ways to pawn off baby gopher care to the 'rents? :)

Skye said...

I say boy, I say Boy! Yo-ah gonna halfta tell me howah to find ouwt theah sooch woahd tuhms you speak of! *said in my best Foghorn Leghorn accent*

(translation: I say boy, I say Boy! You're going to have to tell me how to find out the search word terms you speak of!)

This is one of the very few times that Foghorn Leghorn will actually admit that the Little Chicken Hawk knows something he doesn't :D

As for the possessed children, well the terrible two's start at 18 months and run till 18 years. My possessee's are currently 17, 15 and 11. Thankfully they can all speak in complete sentences when they want to, and are somewhat understandable. Unfortunately this means that I've totally forgotten all about trying to be able to understand the younger ones, and so therefore I don't have advice to add for your research.

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- That is one excellent phonetic rooster impersonation ya did there for us today! (And I'm sure those who don't speak the Southern-Unfried-Chicken dialect undoubtedly would appreciate the translation to human-English, too.) :)

Thanks for the data regarding your possessees. Perhaps it might be helpful, if not to our "evil baby growls" visitor, then some other searcher.

Chaotically Calm said...

Ha ha I do think babies undercover of course are little devil spawns especially when they hit the terrible two stage and the tantrums start up...I swore my Godson's head spun. He's better now at four, he and the demons must have worked something out san exorcism.

My most recent crazy search was rihanna's downtown bonanza...yeah I don't run one of those sites.

Da Old Man said...

Jenn, you are my "go to" source for everything zombie related. So, does this mean you are branching out? Or will you specialize in zombie babies? That could be the ultimate niche blogger.

Jenn Thorson said...

Faith- Ha- I think one of my cousins, in particular, had that sort of possession going on at that age, too. And I, for one, am grateful you're not running a Rihanna site. Although I bet you could make it funny. :)

Da Old Man- I'm proud to be your zombie go-to person... that makes my day (though don't let Quirky hear this... we all know she's big on the zombies herself! I don't want you to get into trouble.)

I will have to see about the zombie babies. So far, we're just talking demonic possession.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Gotta love those evil baby growls. That's what made me stop at two kids.

jay said...

"See, it's frustrating to me, because I know can assist these people! Google, oh Google, why must the discourse be so one-sided?"

Tell me about it! In my case it's most frustrating when people are looking for greyhound advice, and I know I can either help them myself or point them in the right direction, but as you say Google is SO one-sided!

*Cue evil not-baby growls*