"I've always wanted my head to look like an egg a chicken had trouble laying," said my friend Josette, thoughtfully, "but I'm just not sure how to get the look."
"I've always wanted to have the kind of hair that a 60s blue alien female would wear in a Star Trek episode, so I'll be swept off for four minutes of phaser-love with that hottie, Captain James T. Kirk," said my friend Scoobie.
"I want nothing more in life than to look like Sarah Palin," I announced.
Scoobie and Josette turned to me, faces drained of color.
"What?" I asked. "What?!"
Well, now there's Bumpits, the plastic doo-dad to turn your tresses into topography!
"Go from flat to fabulous, no matter what style you're bumpin'!"
Yes, now don't just bump that style-- turn it into a full-fledged collision with Easter Island archaeology!
Naturally, Josette, Scoobie and I were very excited about the prospects! But then the trepidation set in.
"I don't think I can wear a product called 'Bum Pits,'" murmured Josette, frowning. "It sounds kinda... lewd... for a plastic hair accessory, don't you think?"
"And how are Vince or Billy Mays going to hawk this?" considered Scoobie, turning the product over in her hands. "I wonder if Vince's prostitute problems and subsequent arrest resulted from a misunderstanding of the word 'Bumpits'?"
Josette and I agreed that that could possibly have been the case.
In fact, the very thought took some of the glamor away from the chance to have our hair look like a lead character in Aliens that wasn't actually Sigourney Weaver...
I mean, every gal likes to be treated like a queen, but having to confess that the smoldering E.T. looks we were sportin' were a result of something called 'Bum Pits,' well, we weren't sure we could do it.
So, alas... Scoobie's dreams of romantic interludes with Mr. Shatner, while he sings Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, have blasted off.
And Josette may never get that Chick-or-the-Egg look she'd been clucking about.
And for now, Sarah Palin can rest easy-- there will be no competition from Yours Truly in the style department.
But we'll survive. Anyway, I hear next season hair Plateaus will be In...
Let's just hope they don't name them "'TeauJamz."