Bumpits? Bump Its? Bum Pits?


"I've always wanted my head to look like an egg a chicken had trouble laying," said my friend Josette, thoughtfully, "but I'm just not sure how to get the look."

"I've always wanted to have the kind of hair that a 60s blue alien female would wear in a Star Trek episode, so I'll be swept off for four minutes of phaser-love with that hottie, Captain James T. Kirk," said my friend Scoobie.

"I want nothing more in life than to look like Sarah Palin," I announced.

Scoobie and Josette turned to me, faces drained of color.

"What?" I asked. "What?!"

Well, now there's Bumpits, the plastic doo-dad to turn your tresses into topography!

"Go from flat to fabulous, no matter what style you're bumpin'!"

Yes, now don't just bump that style-- turn it into a full-fledged collision with Easter Island archaeology!

Naturally, Josette, Scoobie and I were very excited about the prospects! But then the trepidation set in.

"I don't think I can wear a product called 'Bum Pits,'" murmured Josette, frowning. "It sounds kinda... lewd... for a plastic hair accessory, don't you think?"

"And how are Vince or Billy Mays going to hawk this?" considered Scoobie, turning the product over in her hands. "I wonder if Vince's prostitute problems and subsequent arrest resulted from a misunderstanding of the word 'Bumpits'?"

Josette and I agreed that that could possibly have been the case.

In fact, the very thought took some of the glamor away from the chance to have our hair look like a lead character in Aliens that wasn't actually Sigourney Weaver...


I mean, every gal likes to be treated like a queen, but having to confess that the smoldering E.T. looks we were sportin' were a result of something called 'Bum Pits,' well, we weren't sure we could do it.

So, alas... Scoobie's dreams of romantic interludes with Mr. Shatner, while he sings Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, have blasted off.

And Josette may never get that Chick-or-the-Egg look she'd been clucking about.

And for now, Sarah Palin can rest easy-- there will be no competition from Yours Truly in the style department.

But we'll survive. Anyway, I hear next season hair Plateaus will be In...

Let's just hope they don't name them "'TeauJamz."

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23 comments:

Shawn said...

"An egg a chicken had trouble laying."

I'm not even sure I want a clearer picture of what this might look like.

George said...

I needed that giggle you provided this morning. Thank ya!

kathcom said...

Finally, I can look like Yeoman Rand from the original Star Trek series. Kirk had a thing for her, you know.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shawn- And that makes two of us! :)

George- Always happy to do so!

Kath- Oh, he had a crush on any female with a pulse within a 500 light-year range of the Enterprise. :) We know how he operated.

ettarose said...

and here I thought this was going to be about shaving your armpits. Bumpits?

Jenn Thorson said...

Ettarose- G-ah! Well, given the look of the Bumpits you MIGHT be able to comb excessive armpit hair, if that were your thing (shudder)... I mean, nothing like 2-fer-1 functionality, right? :)

Babs-beetle said...

We didn't need 'Bum Pits' back in the sixties! It was ALL hair! Give me a head of hair and a comb and I can make any shape you want - including an egg that a chicken had trouble laying ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Heh, I was hoping one of my readers o' the 60s would chime in on the previous techniques of hair bumping. I'm guessing it involves backcombing and more hairspray than a Dolly Parton stage show.

nonamedufus said...

Hmmm, it includes a large and mini bang? All for $9.99? I thing I can get past the name. Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge.

Jenn Thorson said...

Nonamedufus- Say no MORE!-- wink-wink-nudge-nudge :)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You think Bumpits is a bad idea, you should have seen the British hair product known as Crump-its. Although they say the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, it turned out that the mixture of biscuits, butter, jam and hair was wildly unpopular with guys. And the birds--they never stopped pecking at you! Somebody failed to do their market research......

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Now you mention it, I think I read once that Tippi Hedren in Hitchcock's "The Birds" used "Crump-its" in her hair.

And just LOOK what happened!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Seriously, does anyone really use those? Make it look like your mom had a difficult labor and forceps hadn't been invented yet. You know, like the skull was shaped by the Play-doh fun factory.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- Yes, I've seen baby pictures with that head shape. Who knew it would become fashionable?

jay said...

Bum Pits? We achieved that look in the sixties with a little backcombing and a can and a half of hair spray! LOL!

I don't remember being hauled off by Capt Kirk for my four minutes of phaser-love though. Do you suppose I could have been doing something wrong?

Perhaps more to the point, how do you reckon Lt-Cmdr Data feels about Bum Pits?

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- I would say Data might look cute with one-- I mean he's already got the back-from-the-forehead thing going, and...

Oh, wait, that wasn't your question, was it? :)

Tiggy said...

Do I really want sharp-looking pieces of plastic that close to my scalp?

I don't think even Vince could sell this one to me.

dana said...

First you have to realize that you NEED a lot of hair to cover that thing. The minute they add a rose and a ribbon to it, I'll just wear it on TOP of my thin hair.

Jenn Thorson said...

Tiggy- Not even VINCE? Well, he doesn't really have enough hair himself to demonstrate properly. This might have to be a Billy Mays product. :)

Dana- Hey, Dana-- how've you been?! I'm now getting images of you trying to do your errands, like going to the bank, with this Bumpits on your head with a big rose and ribbon on it.

It would be a sensation. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, boy. What is it about your site that brings out shameful confessions?

I would kind of like a Bumpit.

I have always loved that 60s look the pouffed-up hair, bangs, eyeliner, go-go boots -- you get the picture. I have EVERYthing but the hair, and with Bumpit, I could have it all.

But now I feel too ashamed. It really does sound kinda stupid.

Melanie said...

LOL! This is so funny. I've seen the commercials and sat and wondered, why? why would anyone want to put one of those in their hair and look like that?

Ok, I confess, I have more than enough hair to cover one of those, but egads! can you imagine trying to get it out?!!! Ouch!!

And frankly, I got called egg-head often enough in jr. high, I don't need any repeats of that!

Tony Single said...

Good heavens, where do you come up with this inspired, lunatic stuff? I think I'm actually feeling humour envy right now!

Jenn, I hope you'll forgive me this little tangent... I wanted to let you know that I received the Kreativ Blogger Award recently, and that part of the conditions for this honour is to nominate other bloggers for said award who are doing wonderful, creative work on the World Wide Web. I hope you don't think me crazy, but I would like to nominate you and your blog. Your creative, lunatic writings inspire me to try just a little harder when it comes to writing things for my Trottersville cast to say.

If you would like more details about this award, then please feel free to visit:

http://sarahealy.com/index.php/2009/06/25/i%E2%80%99m-a-blogger-and-a-winner/

or:

http://trottersville.blogspot.com/2009/06/bad-speller-award.html

Thank you for the laughs and for forcing me to lift my game. You rock.

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- See, now I feel all bad for tweaking the Bumpits. I mean, there are real people out there longing for the service this product specifically offers! People who have been tragically Bumpits-free prior to this! I feel ashamed myself.

Melanie- I do think it might cause pain after a while. And forget accidentally hitting your head on the doorframe as you get out of the car. You'll have mortal wounds.

Tony- Aw- thank you. The lunacy is either blogging or being committed. I'd decided to be committed to blogging.:)