If TV Guide Wrote Classic Book Summaries

Ever read the local TV listings and marvel at their ability to cram the plot of an epic film into just a few words? Unfortunately, sometimes space constraints mean they might have to overlook a few of the nuances.

So this had me thinking, what if the same folks who summarize television shows and movies had to write up listings for classic books?

Well, I think they might go something like this:

• The Telltale Heart, by Edgar Allen Poe. Half-blind elderly man gets in bad rental situation.

• Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Sports fishing contest strains nerves.

• Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. A young man's lifelong struggle with anger management issues, domestic abuse and hygiene problems.

• Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. Hormonal teens and their families enact Jerry Springer-like drama.

• The Scarlett Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Single mother makes "A" of herself with local preacher.
  

• Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain. Head injury patient experiences a couple of rough knights.

• To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Coming of age tale says "Boo" to racism.
  

• The Odyssey by Homer. Ancient Greek goes on road-trip, meeting a rag-tag team of misfits along the way.
  

• Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Teacher strives to overcome classism, sexism and an erratic, non-union employment situation.

• The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. Frenchman in frame-job seeks justice, revenge, and inspires tasty sandwich.
  

• Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder- Shoddy public works department effort in Peru leads to potential lawsuit.

• Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll- Indigestion of picnic lunch triggers colorful socio-political dream sequence.

• Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy. Jude carries pain of the world on his shoulders before getting McCartney's good advice.
  

• Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Rejection of adopted child with a disability turns love to hate and overseas travel.

• Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Amber Alert candidate goes too far with real-life MySpace page and child predator.

• Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift. Man acts as connection between bigwigs and the little people.

• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Five sisters in rural district seek 29 dimensions of compatibility before the invention of online dating.

• Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. An artist finds a corrupt male model puts too much of himself into his work.

Have any you'd like to add to this list? Just let me know!
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