Extreme Classic Novel Makeover

"The trouble with classic books," modern readers say, "is that they just don't speak to today's generation. It's all about old boring people in starched clothing, rambling on for pages in stilted conversations that don't say anything. Nothing ever happens...

"Where's the action? Where's the sex? Where's the gratuitous violence, and the remakes of the remakes of remakes that we've come to know and pay seven dollars for at the box office?"

Well, now there's Extreme Classic Novel Makeover! Check out just a few of the exciting classic novels being modernized to accomodate our short attention spans, fast-paced technology, and morbid fascination with self-centered people with no original thought who'd sell their grandma into slavery for five minutes on camera.

Let's look inside!...

• Waiting for Dogot- The existential tale of two people waiting forever for that Taco Bell dog to appear on their computer screens, after an email forward promises it will-- so long as they sent it to five people.

• Last of the Mojitos- Social worker Natty Bumppo holds a peace negotiations party with a local warring gang only to find relations even more strained when the mixed drinks begin to run out.

• Jane-Air- The dramatic tale of forbidden love, dark secrets, and the first quality central air-conditioning system.

• The Old Man and the C- An aging fisherman finds new fishing restrictions encourage a career change as a C programmer. Look for the second book in the series, The Really Old Man and the C++.

• The House of Seven Clark Gables- Los Vegas celebrity impersonation business faces eviction and a sudden, disasterous lack of character variety.

• Lord of the Fries- After a nuclear holocaust, local life revolves around a fast food restaurant, where high calorie foods are used as a barter system, and survivors struggle for power and tasty fried potatoes.

• Atlas GPSed- The philosophical tale of how individuals must find their path in life, even if it involves advanced satellite technology.
  

• Call of the Girls Gone Wild- The tale of an aging domestic goddess lured by a life of boob-flashing, booze and competing for male attention against girls half her age.
  

• Uncle Tom's Condo- The eye-opening story of social unrest among the condo set as a middle-income family manages to purchase property in an elite neighborhood.
  

• The Man in the Iron Chef- An edge-of-your-seat thriller about the arrest and imprisonment of a Japanese culinary artist forced to participate in a regular televised cooking competition or face deadly consequences.
  

And now, you fans of Extreme Classic Novel Makeover can suggest titles you'd like to see in our Extreme Classic Novel Makeover Library! Just leave a comment below or send your self-exploitative video file to: extremeclassicnovelmakeoversowedonthavetothinkanymoreoftheseupourselves @ extremeclassicnovelmakeover dot com.

See you on the flipped page, friends!
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If TV Guide Wrote Classic Book Summaries

Ever read the local TV listings and marvel at their ability to cram the plot of an epic film into just a few words? Unfortunately, sometimes space constraints mean they might have to overlook a few of the nuances.

So this had me thinking, what if the same folks who summarize television shows and movies had to write up listings for classic books?

Well, I think they might go something like this:

• The Telltale Heart, by Edgar Allen Poe. Half-blind elderly man gets in bad rental situation.

• Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Sports fishing contest strains nerves.

• Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. A young man's lifelong struggle with anger management issues, domestic abuse and hygiene problems.

• Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. Hormonal teens and their families enact Jerry Springer-like drama.

• The Scarlett Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Single mother makes "A" of herself with local preacher.
  

• Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain. Head injury patient experiences a couple of rough knights.

• To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Coming of age tale says "Boo" to racism.
  

• The Odyssey by Homer. Ancient Greek goes on road-trip, meeting a rag-tag team of misfits along the way.
  

• Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Teacher strives to overcome classism, sexism and an erratic, non-union employment situation.

• The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. Frenchman in frame-job seeks justice, revenge, and inspires tasty sandwich.
  

• Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder- Shoddy public works department effort in Peru leads to potential lawsuit.

• Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll- Indigestion of picnic lunch triggers colorful socio-political dream sequence.

• Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy. Jude carries pain of the world on his shoulders before getting McCartney's good advice.
  

• Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Rejection of adopted child with a disability turns love to hate and overseas travel.

• Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Amber Alert candidate goes too far with real-life MySpace page and child predator.

• Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift. Man acts as connection between bigwigs and the little people.

• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Five sisters in rural district seek 29 dimensions of compatibility before the invention of online dating.

• Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. An artist finds a corrupt male model puts too much of himself into his work.

Have any you'd like to add to this list? Just let me know!
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