The Real America Athlete Shindig 'n' Snack Stand

Inspired by the recent Olympics, Reuters reports China is now having its National Peasant Games, where farmers across the country compete in traditional Olympic-style competitions, as well as ones more tailored toward your local Every Man-- like tire-pushing and tug-of-war.

I was thinking this sort of thing might just be fun for folks here in the outskirts of Pittsburgh, too. You know-- bring some whimsy, optimism and excitement to...er... Real America. Because, honestly, with half our players injured, the Steelers can only do so much.

Of course, if we did have our own form of Olympics here, we'd probably have to make a few adjustments. We'd want it to not only truly inspire our sense of local competition, but showcase the tremendous heart and skills we have to offer.

So I've taken the liberty of suggesting a few events that I think we could all really get behind.

• Mailbox Bashing for Distance. Now you see it, now you don't! Neighbors on our winding back roads never really can be sure whether a special delivery will come in the form of a relocated mailbox. So since witty local teens are already honing their swings, why not put that talent to use? Participants will be driven in 80s Fieros going at 45 miles per hour, and ranked based on swing-force, distance the mailbox goes from its original location, and form.

• The 100-Meter Rusted Out Car Push. Now that unique classic fixxer-upper opportunity that you never quite had the time or funds to upgrade can still be seen and admired through this exciting test of brawn and bravery! Burnt-out Bonnevilles... Cracked Corvettes... Gear-shot Gremlins... All are welcome in this tournament of strength and streamlined design. Can you go the distance to secure the gold?
  

• Roadsign Reappropriation for Speed. You know that Stop sign you've always had your eye on that would look so good on the wall of your basement family room? Or that hysterical road marker that reads "Wanker Drive" that you and your buddy Donnie have had so many laughs over? This event gives you the chance to show your sign-removal stuff. Participants are graded on speed, dexterity and overall subtlety. The winner of this event gets to keep the sign.
  

• Marijuana Crop Camouflage. This time of year, police helicopters take to the skies looking for patches of green illegal substances among the withering brown corn stalks. This event is a test of wit. Whoever can most quickly and effectively camouflage his crop of wacky weed growing in unknowing Farmer Fred's cornfield takes Gold in this event.
  

• Freestyle Cow-tipping. Bossy's goin' down! This event promises to be very popular. Show off your x-treme skilz by sending a wake-up call to our area's bovine population. The one event that truly proves the phrase, "Ya snooze, ya lose." Style counts here, so be creative! Cushions will be provided for all toppling cattle, to accord with Humane Society standards.
  

• Predicting When The Cows Come Home. My friend Scoobie's uncle is great at this, and I think could be an important contender in this event. "The cows should be home any minute now," he said once during a picnic, and I laughed, thinking he was just kidding. Then seconds later all the cows came trooping in and put themselves into the barn. There, they made themselves lunch and did the dishes and started their book group discussion. It was really impressive. (They were reading Animal Farm.) Predictions in these on-location events will be accepted down to the tenth of a second. Whoever predicts closest to the cows' actual ETA receives a gold Real America Athlete Shindig kitchen wall clock.
  

• The Ninety Degree Pick-Up Winch. How many pick-up truck drivers a year overestimate the abilities of their vehicle to go off-road? And how many of them end up backwards over an embankment? This event showcases skill while acting as an important safety tutorial for when the worst happens. How long will it take you to get your buddies who have an even bigger pick-up truck to come, and winch your truck to solid ground again? Find out.
  

• The Inflatable Lawn Ornament Installation Precision Test. As the winter holidays approach, these days it seems that anyone who's anyone has a giant inflatable snowman, Santa, Grinch or reindeer bobbing festively in their yard. But setting these ornaments up with proper power from the house, good air output, and consistent inflation can be challenging. This competition adds a fun technical aspect to the games.

• Corn Maze Racing. Anyone who's ever played on a farm knows the claustrophobic fear that can overcome you when wandering, lost and confused, through tall corn rows. This test requires nerves of steel, as entrants must find their way out of jagged, dark and scary cornrows the quickest. Your competitors, dressed as hockey-masked raving maniacs with chainsaws, will be hot on your trail to add that extra element of suspense. Outwit, outlast... out of the cornfield.

Well, those are my preliminary ideas, anyway-- though I'm certainly up for suggestions from you all. With the economy so low, and so many folks feeling the stress of day-to-day life, we need something special to look forward to. And I think the Real America Athlete Shindig 'n' Snack Stand (yes, cotton candy and deep-fried Oreos on a Stick will be available at the concession stands) would be a great way to bring us all together, boost morale and really show the world what hard-working Americans are made of.

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