With Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

The Sabre

Once upon a driveway weedy
Narrow, hilly, grass gone seedy
Sat neglected in the queue o'er many an indoor chore
Came a neighbor's Buick Sabre
Parked in haste and without labor
Parked across my driveway, right across my driveway's weedy floor
"Crikey! K-turns are a bore!"

But leaving, I did do that K-turn
Thinking that the lady'd learn,
Would at some point begin to learn
Just what the yellow curb is for
But then that evening and another
The same red Sabre, this same mother
(Of two children), she went blocking
Blocking my car's exit door
"Look-- at least two feet or more!"

So I began some heavy plotting
And quite soon I started jotting
Down a note, reminders gentle, courtesy I would implore
But as I wrote, the Rage said, "See here:
You've lived in this spot for years.
She's often seen you parking, parking up this driveway's weedy floor
It's a fact she just ignores."
And here my kindly note, I tore.

But funny thing, as I was leaving
This next day, and still quite seething
At the lack of care for others shown in this one woman's moor
On the side of the red Sabre, SOMEONE ELSE felt need to labor
Keying down the starboard side like nothing I had seen before.
Seems I was only one upon her blind and blustery tour.
Quoth Lady Karma,"I keep score."

Fruit of the Loom Guys Experience Spy Infiltration

Recent evidence has come to light that the Fruit of the Loom Guys-- the renowned mascots for a popular cotton underwear brand-- have been compromised by foreign entities posing among them, in order to obtain highly-classified information on comfort waistbands and non-wedgie fabric production.

Readers may already be familiar with Rory McIntosh (also known as "Apple")-- the popular lead singer of the Fruit Guys group-- and skilled backup men, Concord Jones (called "Purple Grape" to his fans) and Jimmy Niagara (stage name: "Green Grape").

But who is this figure with them, silently harvesting the sweet fruits of their labors?

Leif Romaine, also known as Ignacius Iceburg, Lenny "the Head" Lettuce, and George "Garnish" Wilson is believed to have been a plant in the Fruit Guys band from the very beginning.

Large sums of green sent to Mr. Romaine's bank account suggest that he was in the employ of the Adam & Eve Undergarments Inc., even while appearing with the Fruit Guys. His job, theorists indicate, was to root out the manufacturing strengths of the Fruit of the Loom brand, so it could be duplicated in the Adam & Eve factories at cost.

But Leif's fall from grace has hit the other members of the Fruit Guys hard.
In a candid interview with members of the band, the musicians indicate they feel soured on the whole system now.

"I had no idea something so rotten was going on right under our noses like that," said McIntosh.

"Guess it only takes one bad one to spoil the bunch," added Niagara philosophically.


But the band members insist that because the market is still ripe for their band's niche their music will only grow from this regrettable scandal.

"It all stems from our devotion to comfortable, affordable underwear," states Mr. Concord.

Now, Leif Romaine sits in prison, awaiting trial, in a small maximum security terrarium living on meager sunlight and water.
Lawyers for the accused currently offer no comment. Word on the grapevine is that he plans to plead "Innocent."

Swiffer Popularity Spawns ToolFool Household Dating Site

(This post not affiliated with Swiffer in any way other than this blog author watches entirely too much television.)

Recent Swiffer TV commercials have shown that household cleaning implements and other utensils not only have a lot of free time on their... um... handles, but that they use it to enjoy a rich social life.

And now they can meet like-minded household items in the online dating community that's sweeping the nation!...

Welcome to the ToolFool Household Dating Site.

At ToolFool, you won't have to scour your basements, bathrooms, kitchens and garages for great available singles. You'll clean up on the social scene and can give less likely candidates the brush-off at the click of a button.

Why spend time trying to meet other quality implements in a smoky club situation, which can be crowded and noisy, making it hard to find that meaningful one-on-one time you're looking for?...
Here's just a sample of the household honeys waiting to meet you through ToolFool!

Like Yolanda. She's got discerning tastes, but doesn't just skim the surface when it comes to relationships. She's willing to go through thick or thin, even some sticky situations, in order to find herself a real keeper...
She left her last relationship because it was strained.

Meet Darcy and Danette. This twosome is ready to whisk some lucky fellow off on a whirlwind weekend he'll never forget...
Take these ladies out for a spin and they'll have you in a froth in no time!

Of course, we don't guarantee you'll find the right partner right away. Like any service, you may run into that occasional someone who makes you bristle or feel a little bit like you need a shower afterwards...
But with our special compatibility profile, you can choose the qualities that are really important to you (for instance, likes the outdoors, enjoys quiet time in the drawer, really knows how to drill, is tested 100% rust-free) and so much more.

So you'll be able to narrow down your interests and find the household implement to share your life, in no time.

So why wait? Sign up for ToolFool today, and be stirred up and swept into a new world of romance!

Fill out your application by leaving a comment here, and our Compatibility Experts will add you immediately to our extensive database!

The Which Type of Spammer Would You Be? Career Quiz

In these tough economic times, many people are making ends meet by taking multiple jobs or shifting careers.

• But do you know the one innovative industry that is impervious to market ups and downs?

• Have you investigated the one area which continues to thrive, offering a surprisingly wide array of exciting careers for the self-starting go-getter?

• Have you looked into the only occupation where all you need is determination, an email account and a good old-fashioned lack of ethics and boundaries?

Yes, you can enjoy a lucrative and adventurous career in the Spam Industry!

But how do you know what type of Spamming would be right for you? Just take this quick and insightful quiz from the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology.

At Clogg & Cheetham, in just six weeks, you'll be trained in the Spamming area of your choice, by a Certified Spam Consultant. In no time, you'll be meeting new people by blocking up Inboxes, selling the goods you know people really want but are too afraid to ask for, and offering Network Administrators real job security by the constant influx of new mass-mailed messaging.

Don't wait! Find out what kind of Spamming is right for you, and soon you'll be on your way to a profitable new career-- without ever having to leave your home.

Start the quiz now!

1.) In social situations, like a party, you tend to:
a.) Find a topic you enjoy discussing and examine it from every angle for the duration of the party to anyone within earshot
b.) Use it as an opportunity to discuss the political challenges facing your beautiful yet hopelessly corrupt Nigerian nation
c.) Let loose with whatever stream of consciousness comes to mind.
d.) Change the topic to whatever you had planned, regardless of context

2.) In your spare time, you like to:
a.) Stalk celebrities, take photos of them in compromising positions and post them online
b.) Spend time visiting relatives, who have been wrongly imprisioned due to their noble political aspirations
c.) Read snippets of novels and news articles. While you get bored after a few paragraphs, you feel this keeps you up on the latest literature and current events.
d.) Sell, sell, sell. There is never spare time for you. Money does not grow on trees, you know.


3.) If you had a personal motto, it would be:
a.) I like Paris Hilton in the springtime. I like Paris Hilton in the Fall.
b.) For just the cost of a cup of coffee, you could help one imprisioned member of the Nigerian Royal Family buy his way to a brighter future
c.) It was the best of times, it was call me Ishmael.
d.) A sucker's born every minute.


Congratulations! You have completed the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology Career Quiz. Now let's learn what the right spamming career track would be for you!

If you chose mostly a.) then you won't want to miss our Celebrity Spam major. Whether it's Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian or any of our other beautiful and talented phenoms of the Hollywood and social scene, you will share the latest news, insights and birthday suit photos over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again in blog comments, on forums, and so, so much more.

If you chose mostly b.) then our Someday My Prince Will Come spam major is the metaphorical glass slipper for your career foot. This is your opportunity to help out the less fortunate royalty deposed and neglected in third-world nations-- and to meet great new people with big hearts and even bigger bank accounts!

If you chose mostly c.) then you might be the right fit for our Literary OCD/Stream of Consciousness spam track. It's the perfect opportunity to learn a little bit of everything, while never burdening your brain with too much information.

And if you chose mostly d.) you are the perfect candidate for our Soulless Sociopathic Special program. You'd take pennies from the sticky hands of daycare kids. You'd bleed your own grandmother dry and not even blink an eye. Yes, you have what it takes to sell products that don't exist to people who don't have the money to pay for them. You have a wide world of opportunity ahead of you! The sky's the limit!


So whether you're an A, a B, a C, or a D, you're all winners at Clogg & Cheatham. Find your new rewarding career with us--- Apply today!

Jabberwookiee

(Special shout-out to Speedcat Hollydale, as his goofing around with the "Jabberwocky" name spawned the idea for this Star Wars Meets Lewis Carroll spoof poem. Thanks, Speedy!)


Twas suns-up and the Jawa droves
Did zap and gather robot slaves
All cocky were the Rebel coves
And the Empire's forces staved

Beware the rancor pit, my son,
The jaws that chomp, the claws that squish
Beware the Emperor and shun
Dark Daddy, Lord of Sith

He took his saber-sword in hand
Long time for Darkly Dad he trained
So rested he by the mossy tree
And sulked a while, in pain

And as in Jedi sulk he stood
The Vader, hissing breath of fame,
Came stalking through the swamply wood
All wheezing as he came

One, two! One, two! And through and through!
The saber beam went "wumm-nah-ccchhhhhh"!
The vision fled, and Yoda said,
"Much rage have you. Now shhhh."

"And fight you did, your Darkly Dad?
Much you must learn, young Jedi knight."
"There is no try." But, reckless guy,
That kid bugged off to fight

Twas suns-up and the Jawa droves
Did zap and gather robot slaves
All cocky were the Rebel coves
And the Empire's forces staved


Note: no Wookiees were harmed during the making of this poem (what with, um, not actually appearing in it. So, sue me.)

Gross Hunters- Ghost Hunters Tribute Parody

Gross Hunters follows the work of C.R.A.P.s (the Crud and Residue Analysis Partnership), a team of parapsychologists-by-day and amateur public health inspectors-by-night.

Their mission? To search for evidence of the filthiest hotels and grossest historic landmarks in the country.

Meet C.R.A.P.s co-founder, Jayden Baldgai:

JAYDEN: "Here we are at Le Chateau D'Isasteur, rumored to be New Orleans' most disgusting hotel. Guests claim a child-sized cockroach roams these halls at night.

"Others say a terrifying face appears in the bathroom mirrors, made of toothpaste residue and spit. It's our job to disprove it before the Board of Health sweeps in and closes 'em down. We'll see what we find."

Joining Jayden on this night's C.R.A.P.s investigation is:

Graham Friggen- C.R.A.P.s Co-Founder...

Afraid-of-Everything-But-Bugs-Vermin-and-Dirt Dude -- Tech Manager

Overly-Excitable Guy -- Comic Relief/Equipment Misplacer/ScapeGoat

And Random-Trainee-Chick-We'll-Never-See-Again-But-Wearing-a-Tank-Top -- Eye Candy

We join the C.R.A.P.s team at Chateau D'Isasteur, after a roadtrip involving witty banter and strategically-filmed bickering.

GRAHAM: "Okay, here we are in room 237, where witnesses claim they've seen the giant cockroach.

"Also, one guest claimed she woke when she felt a cold spot. The bedspread was apparently so filthy, it was trying to crawl off the bed.

"So we're going to use our heat sensors and motion detectors tonight and see if we can recreate that."

CUT TO: critical evidence-gathering sequence involving:

• Grainy, jostling footage
• Cast members saying "Dude, did you hear that?" 47 times
• Tense soundtrack music coincidentally blocking out what the cast just heard
• Cameras swinging the opposite direction of what the main cast seems to be seeing
• And something triggering the motion detectors, which could be a giant cockroach but is actually Overly-Excitable Guy helping himself to the mini-bar.

After last night's thrilling recording session, C.R.A.P.s leave the site and Dude and Guy review the collected footage.

GUY (gasps, points to the screen with shaky finger): "Dude, what's that?!"

DUDE (yawns disinterestedly): "Ghost."

GUY (trembling with excitement): "Dude, over there, isn't that--?!"

DUDE (nibbles a fingernail): "Meh. Free-roaming, full-torso, vaporous apparition..."

GUY: "Dude, but look, what the hell is that?"

DUDE (leaps up, almost knocks over chair): "Whoa! Now that Jayden and Graham are gonna wanna see!"

CUT TO: Jayden, Graham, Dude and Guy as they gather around the high-tech equipment in preparation for the Reveal:

DUDE (pointing at the computer monitor): "Now here, we have just a bunch of orbs, which indicate electrical energy that could be, you know, conclusive evidence of paranormal activity, blah, blah, blah...

"And here's an apparition that tried to eat Guy. But here's what I really wanted to show you is..."

JAYDEN: "Look at all those dust particles and bugs that initially appear like giant circles photoshopped into the footage! This is terrific, Guy... Dude. Great job! We have something really awesome to show the client."

Celebratory manly fist-bumping occurs following a fine Gross Hunters tradition.

GUY: "We also have an EVP for you to listen to."

GRAHAM: "Electronic Vacuuming Phenomena?"

GUY: "Yeah, this was when the maid was in the room working. Take a listen."

A spine-chilling male voice emanates from the recorder over the vacuuming sound:

"I will swallow your soullllllllll."

GUY: "Hear those clicks under the horrifying otherworldly voice that just made me wet myself? Yeah, those clicks mean that that vacuum the maid is using just doesn't have enough suction...

"In a room of that size, with as much test debris as we put down there, man, you should be hearing a lot more grit and grime rattling through that tube."

JAYDEN (nods): "This house is unclean."

Cut to Jayden and Graham with the owner of Chateau D'Isasteur, Mr. Jethro Tully.

JAYDEN: "While we didn't catch footage of the cockroach, the toothpaste face, or the moving bedspread, we did find a dresser made entirely of dust and pea-soup vomit...

"It also looks like your maid needs a new vacuum cleaner, that one is clogged...

"Oh, and by the way, it seems the entire place is filled with malevolent spirits who want to destroy you...

"But, anyway, you're gonna want to get that vomit dresser out of there before the board of health shows up." 

MR. TULLY (looking grateful and shaking their hands): "Thank you, C.R.A.P.s, for giving me the chance to save my business."

Cut to Jayden and Graham in the C.R.A.P.s van, driving back home.

GRAHAM: "Well, I think we really helped Mr. Tully out this weekend. Hey, while I think of it: where's Guy? I didn't see him get in the other van with Dude."

JAYDEN: "He got eaten by the thing in 237 when he was packing up the equipment."

GRAHAM:" Oh. That kinda sucks. I hope they moved out that vomit dresser first."

JAYDEN: "Yeah, they did, it's cool."

GRAHAM (nods): "Where to next?"

JAYDEN: "Where-ever the voiceover narrator they splice in later tells us."

VOICEOVER NARRATOR SPLICED IN LATER: "Next week on Gross Hunters, Jayden, Graham and the C.R.A.P.s team scour the famous House of Mud tourist attraction and see if lives up to its name...

"And C.R.A.P.s gets a surprise phonecall from New Orleans. Has Guy been regurgitated by the thing in 237 along with a second vomit dresser? Will he ever officially be off the C.R.A.P.s team?..

"Find out all the dirt, on the next breath-taking episode of Gross Hunters!"

The Murders of Jack the Tripper

Jack Tripper: Klutz... Swingin' single... Staunch supporter of the Velour tracksuit... Up-and-coming chef....

And knife-wielding serial killer prowling for California's most beautiful blonds?

Yes, recent DNA evidence uncovered through a cold case investigation suggests that Jack "Come On Knock on My Door" Tripper-- successful owner of the regional Three's Company family restaurant franchise-- may have had a much darker side...

One which lured in attractive blond roomates, who he'd pal around with and gain their trust... before these women would mysteriously go missing.

DNA evidence uncovered inside the dumpster on the abandoned site of the former gourmet restaurant Angelino's indicates blood traces from one Christmas "Chrissy" Snow, former roommate to Jack Tripper and a Ms. Janet Wood.

In 1981, Ms. Snow left the two roommates unexpectedly, reportedly calling from her parents' home a few times, but then vanished completely, never to be heard from again.

Even her cousin, Cynthia "Cindy" Snow, said it was strange how Chrissy didn't make the annual family reunion that was scheduled to take place in the backyard of Chrissy's childhood home-- a modest domicile where Chrissy Snow had been visiting.

"It's possible she just lost the directions," Cindy suggested in an early 1982 police interview. "Biking the neighborhood... finding the backyard... If you turned Chrissy around, she was bound to get lost."

Interestingly, a year later, after having moved into the very apartment, the very bedroom and, you might say, the very "role" her cousin had played in the Tripper triumverate, Cindy Snow herself went missing.


Roommate Janet Wood states, "I know Cindy was headed off to college, but she never called or stopped by after that. In fact, I remember the night we found out she was missing. Jack had just come home from Angelino's. He was completely covered in blood from carving this side of beef Mr. Angelino had gotten in, you know? And he was headed off to take a shower and burn his apron, the way he always does. That's when Cindy's parents called asking if we'd heard from her."

University admissions indicate Cindy Snow had registered and paid the first semester's tuition, but never checked-in upon arrival to campus.

While Tripper was not a suspect at the time, dozens of other blond women-- all having briefly dated Tripper-- were also reported missing over the years. A connection to Tripper was finally made recently through a bartender at the popular local gin joint, The Regal Beagle, where many of the missing women reportedly went to meet men.

Police reports indicate there are no witnesses willing to testify to Tripper's presence at Angelino's the evening Cindy Snow went missing. Tripper has gone on record as stating his kitchen assistant Felipe was there at the time. But, when questioned, Mr. Gomez denied ever seeing Tripper.

The validity of this testimony, however, is in question, as it is reported by multiple sources that Gomez and Tripper have a long, complicated history of culinary rivalry.

"Filipe always hated Jack," explained Janet Wood. "He would have done anything to have Jack's job.... I don't think framing him for kidnapping and murder is entirely out of the realm of possibility."

Yet it was at the recent disappearance of fair-haired stewardess Stella Knight, that Jack Tripper has now vanished himself. Tripper, currently married to Vicky Bradford and in charge of his own business empire, was last seen leaving his old haunt, The Regal Beagle with Ms. Knight.

Criminal psychologist and profiler Siegmund Zagnut provides insight into the impulses that might be motivating Tripper:

"Zis man, he vanted to be seen as zis big ladies man. Yet here he was, pretendink to be gay to have zis apartment for cheap. It vas immasculating. Zen, he vould go out on ze dates vis vomen, and yet it rarely vorked out. He vould spill vine on zem. Or fall down ze stairs ont accident. He felt awkvard. He felt less of ze man. And zey would dump him and leave. And as ze ladies man he imagined himself, zat rejection vas somesink his ego simply could not stand...

"Zen his roommates, zeese blonds, zey would go off to pursue zeir dreams. I zink Tripper felt ze rejection again as Miss Snow unt Miss Snow both left him for zeir new lives."

When asked what Tripper might have done with the bodies, Zagnut stated, "Who knows?
-- based on ze evidence in ze dumpshter, eet eez veddy possibly zey ended zeir lives as high-priced entrees at the upscale restaurant in vich he vorked."

Mr. Angelino was unavailable for comment.

If you believe you have seen Jack Tripper, or know anything about Chrissy Snow, Cindy Snow or Stella Knight, please contact the FBI immediately.

(This post was inspired by the fact that, as a kid, I remember being confused between Jack Tripper and Jack the Ripper. I understand from friends that I was not the only one perplexed by this.)
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T'was the Night Before Halloween, Plus Zombies (Shaun of the Dead Sequel Poem)

(As part of the Humor Bloggers Halloween Humor Carnival)


T'was the night before Samhain and all through the mall
The zombies, they found it a great human haul
All hungry they'd tripped to this mecca of dosh
And readied themselves for a holiday nosh

The humans had come here in bright fancy dress
With visions of prizes, for those who were best.
A few conjured witches, a few crept as cats,
Here sulked emo vampires and there-- other twats.

When out from the food court arose a great murmur,
Like massage chairs gone wonky in Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Away to McDonalds I flew like a flash;
Were they giving free chips? It would save me some cash.

The moon through the skylight above Chick Fil-A
Gave the tile floor a spotlight in silvery-gray
When, what to my red, jetlagged eyes did appear
But that gaggle of zombies in zombie-like gear.

With a corpse in the lead just so bloody and fat
Well, I ran off to purchase a strong cricket bat.
As slow as molasses these zombies they came.
(Bought baseball, not cricket-- plus thrower-of-flame)

Now Gimpy, now Pinhead, now Jason, and Freddie
On Limpy and Nigel and tens of old deadies...
From Perfumes in Macy's to the front of the stage,
The undead they oozed in their undeadly rage

I stood firm and waited, just tapping my bat
And cursed my bad luck. I mean, who would think that
I'd fly off just to meet an American friend
And wouldn't you know? Bleedin' zombies-- again!

My friend only frowned. "What's that thing for, Shaun?"
"They're zombies! Get ready. Here, turn this thing on."
As I passed the flame-thrower, and was ready to swing,
The zombies, they did a remarkable thing.

They were forming a queue, one right after the other.
This with popped eyeballs, that-- one ugly mother.
They queued and they shuffled up front of the judges
They gave their best moans, their best drools, some nice trudges

Their jaws how they slackened, their lips how they drooled
And yet no one ran panicked. "They're zombies, you fools!"
Yet shout as I did, the crowd wasn't afraid.
"Shaun, it's our annual costume parade..."

"...They do this each year," said my friend of the hoard.
And he showed me a sign. "Zombie Walk." Oh, good Lord.
"You took me to this after all I'd been through?!...
"...Ed's undead in my shed!" "Well, it's something to do."

So I grabbed the flame-thrower, I bagged up the club
I pushed past three zombies and hit the mall pub.
And my friend called to me as I stalked out of sight,
"Their mixed zombies are great. But order me a Bud Light?"

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If TopGear Tested Heelys Shoe Skates

TopGear, the outrageous UK racing program, tests the power of vehicles with bizarre stunts and offbeat humor.

Over the years, presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May have raced across Vietnam during rainy season on vintage motorcycles... Skimmed America's Salt Flats in taped-together 70s muscle cars... Crossed dangerous terrain in Africa in 60s roadsters... And transformed trucks into sailing ships.

But they've never tested Heelys-- the athletic shoe/roller skate hybrid that's taken grade-schoolers by storm...

Until now. (Only not really, because if this were an actual show transcript, they'd spend most of it custom-making Heelys to fit Mr. Clarkson.)

Jeremy Clarkson: Welcome to TopGear. For this episode, our producers have offered the challenge to beat all challenges... We are to leave BBC Studios, go around the corner to the local pub, and pick up lunch... all while rolling in Heelys.

Richard Hammond: And what's more, we're up against some very tough competition.

Out steps three gritty-looking primary school children in uniforms, popping gum and giving steely stares.

James May: Whoever gets to the pub and back first, wins.

Jeremy Clarkson: With one catch. We're allowed to soup-up our Heelys in any way we like.

Cut to the trio of presenters outside at the TopGear racing track. They are all examining their shiny new Heelys.

Jeremy: You know what these need?... Rockets.

Richard: That'll never work.

Jeremy: Of course, it will. I saw it done once.

Richard: On a Warner Brothers cartoon? The coyote blew up, if you recall.

James: I hate to say this, Jeremy, but Hammond's right. The physics would be all wrong. See, the weight of the rocket, evenly-distributed to each leg, would hamper mobility but...

Forty minutes later...

James: ...And that's why we'll be pouring you into a sippy cup.

But soon, the Heelys have been transformed. We see the snarling school children have added sparkly shoe laces, stickers and wheel oil.

Jeremy, Richard and James, meanwhile, have added compressed air cans, spoilers, and remote control car motors, respectively.

Richard: (to Jeremy) Compressed air? Are you racing or cleaning your computer keyboard? What happened to your rockets?

Jeremy: I found it wouldn't work without setting my legs on fire. I am right now standing on my new prosthetic legs. What about James' remote control car motors?

James: (looking happy with himself) This is ideal because it doesn't rely on power from me.

Richard: So you don't, in fact, plan to skate at all.

James: No need to.

So the contestants step up to the race line, the signal is sounded and...

Our three presenters, tangled and tripped up, topple over in a pile of wheels and flying parts. James' one Heelys motor does roll off without him, earning fourth place.

Cut to the Test Track. Jeremy Clarkson has a sneaker tread-shaped bruise on his forehead:

Jeremy: And now, we'll test the speed of the Heelys against the other high-performance vehicles on our board. But for that, we'll need our Tame Racing Driver.

Some say, he raises antelopes for profit... And only eats tinned tuna for breakfast. All we know is he's called The Stig.

Out steps "The Stig," the impressive white-clad helmeted expert racing driver. On the Stig's feet, instead of his normal white driving wear, are a pair of cheerful Heelys with a pink Hello Kitty motif.

At the signal, the Stig takes off around the track.

Jeremy: (looking at a stopwatch) Well, it's slower than the Zonda.

(Skating, skating...The Stig is listening to prog rock music in a Ipod as he goes...)

James: (peers at Jeremy's watch) It's slower than the Honda Jazz.

(Around the tire obstacle...)

Richard: Okay, it's slower than the G-Wiz. (looking at watch) How long is this program?

James: (calling to the Stig) Put some effort into it, man!

Jeremy: And on that bombshell, that's all the time we have.

(I know, I know-- it was all just a totally gratuitous post--- and a bit early for my regular Friday schedule, but I'm off that day. Thanks for indulging me, folks!)
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Bullets and Bad Comma: a Tale of Grammar Noir

The phone rang— I made an em-dash for it. A man was on the line. He said he had colon problems. I told him I was an editor, not a proctologist. He said that was swell, and he'd be right over.

He showed up at the office with a preposition for me. I said, is that a pen in your pocket, or are you happy to see me? He opened his coat to reveal his piece. A powerful little number but bulky. I asked him to put it slowly on the table so we could get down to work.

He hesitated, asking me for a quote first. I gave him two, telling him he'd need both for later.

Then he said he was ready to show me the colon. I saw right away he had a nice asterisk, but had to force myself to look beyond his dangling participle. It was totally out of whack, and I didn't want to embarrass him this soon in the meeting.

Well, it turns out he was wrong. The colon was listing, all right, but it looked like the rest had been hit by a semi-.

I explained the clause of his troubles twice. He wasn't getting it. "Do I need to draw you a diagram?" I asked.

I didn't want to compound his frustration; he was a client, after all. I was just wondering how we could find unity on this, when we reached a conjunction. That's when he hit me with the complement. "You're the definite article," he said, drawing me close.

Suddenly, our ellipse met... something I never would have predicated. It was like a spell.

And that's when the grammar police burst through the door. Turns out, my client was wanted in three states for adverb abuse.

Quickly, suddenly, nervously, desperately, he pulled his piece on them. And that was all the evidence they needed.

Soon we were in a court down at the capital. It was an upper case. Things were tense, as we worried about our past, present and future.

Then the judge read the sentence.

The collective had spoken and there was agreement. Guilty as charged!

I tried to explain it was just bad comma, but I could see we were at an end mark. They threw the book at him. The sentence. It had us in fragments. We both suffixed terribly. In fact, we still suffix.

Because we were -ment to be together. And that's all that matters.

Period.

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As-Seen-on-TV Products for the Supernatural Consumer

From ShamWow! and SlapChop to the Snuggie and OxyClean, there's an As-Seen-On-TV product for virtually everyone...

Well, not quite everyone... until now! Yes, finally-- the line of helpful, effective, and time-saving products that undead and supernatural consumers have been waiting for! A family of items tailored specifically to the needs of the not-quite-living. Being inhuman and evil incarnate has never been so beautiful!

Wair. Are you a werewolf ashamed of all that unnecessary body hair? Is fur just too Old School Stylin' for your fashion-conscious wolfpack these days? Now you can be silky-smooth-- and more aerodynamic when chasing victims-- with Wair, depilatory made specifically for werewolves. Comes in super-economy sizes for that sexy, all-over hair-free feeling!


DracNav. You're a vampire leading an active social life. You like to travel-- take in new castles, or hit that hot new club. But how many times have you been nearly flambeed because you accidentally walked onto consecrated ground? Ouch!

But now there's DracNav, the world's only personal GPS-based detector for santified spaces. DracNav fits comfortably in the ear, so it's handy no matter how far from your coffin you fly. Never get lost on holy ground again! And with its new super-sonic hearing device capabilites, you'll detect angry villagers with torches a mile away. Talk about convenience!


OxyShroud. So you're a mummy... You've been wearing the same old rags for 6,000 years. And you do everything in them-- stalk archaeologists, suck the life out of disbelievers, chase away cats... You're undead on-the-go!

So how do you keep those rags of yours sparkling clean? It's easy with OxyShroud! This unique steam-cleaning kit uses the power of oxygen, to clean those rags and get them their whitest. Plus, OxyShroud's special system allows you to keep the rags on while you clean, so you'll never disintegrate to dust from a full exposure to air.


Safe4Silver. You love jewelry, but how do you know it's safe to wear, now that you've become a werewolf? Well, Safe4Silver will test your jewelry to check for silver content. Simply send your jewelry in our easy-to-claw-shut Safe4Silver pre-paid envelope. Pieces we discover contain silver, we buy direct from you. Then we'll return-mail you the rest-- (less the cost of shipping and handling)-- along with your cash. Avoiding nasty silver burns and potential death has never been easier... and more financially savvy!


ShedEgg. Living in the Black Lagoon can leave your skin rough and scaly. But with the new ShedEgg, you can remove years of those unshed skin layers, to uncover that beautiful tadpole-like glow you remember.

(Thanks to my witty friends Shirley and Scoobie for helping inspire this post!)


And while you're here, tell me folks-- if you had your druthers, what would you rather be-- a werewolf or a vampire? (Or other.) It always makes for an interesting discussion. :)

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Rip Slaughter: Zombie for Hire

This story has been inspired by the actual Google search for the phrase "zombie for hire." Any similarities between characters in this work of fiction and anyone living, dead, undead, or just moderately gnawed upon are completely coincidental. Thank you.


It's a dark and stormy night. But in our line of woik, ya don't expect no sunshine and rainbows. Fact is, even midday it's pitch black here, with only the flashin' neon beer signs to filter in through the venetian blinds, lighting our lunch hour and my Look magazine. We learned to woik in the dark long ago.

In our world, we live on gut instincts and guts.... Brains and... well, y'know, brains.

The back alleys are our schoolyard....

The cemeteries our playground...

The hair salons are our... hair salons. Hey, a girl has to look presentable. After all, somebody's got to do the meet-n-greet. And Mr. Slaughter? Well, he don't always make such a hot first impression.

Oh me? My name's Audrey Allhart. I'm Mr. Slaughter's Gal Monday-to-Saturday-Sundays-Half-Day. The hours are rough, yes. But then, so is this business. Ya just never know when some mug with a big checkbook says he's gonna need ya.

Now ya might think a Zombie for Hire does only one thing-- hit-man woik.

But it's not so much as you'd think. Sure, we get the occasional domestic resolution case. Y'know, the old lady's cheatin' so the injured party needs somebody to make short woik of the happy couple.

But we also get a lot of clients lookin' for a courier who won't question (Mr. Slaughter's not the fastest in the field, granted-- but he soitenly ain't gonna bog you down with the chit-chat)...

Sometimes we get called in by the meat packin' plants to meet waste disposal regulations... Not glamorous, but it's a livin'.

Sometimes it's crime labs who need bones cleaned real good for moider analysis... Sort of a public soivice gig for us, them ones are.

And we do get our share of film extra woik. In this economy, it really saves on the make-up and costumes, getting real zombies for the roles. So much so, Mr. Slaughter's been makin' a name for himself in the b-movie biz-- gettin' more screen time, bein' paid now for groans and the like.

In fact, you can see him pretty clear in WickedDeath 2. He's the one who headbutts leading man Wayne Wallace, then goes for his jugular.

We're real proud.

And Mr. Slaughter, he deals with it all like the professional he always was. Him, he don't remember nothin' about Before. Don't remember when he was a dimestore gumshoe with a fedora and a dream.

I think it's moicy.

But not for me. No, I get no moicy. I remember. I remember before Rip got bit by that bum who owed him fifty clams and gave him the permanent case of corpse, instead.

But me and Rip, we manage. It's not the same as it used to be, o' course. Like we don't go dancin' the way we used to. After Rip dropped an ear doing the Jump 'n' Jive, dancin' lost a lot of its spark.

And he's gone from a lover to a biter. Now I'm fighting him off for all new reasons. But we're workin' it out. Anyways, a girl's got to be careful these days no matter what guy she gets herself mixed up with.

So a hot date out for us these days pretty much involves a trip to the cult pictures... a stroll around the town on Halloween... or him playin "Scarecrow," drawin' in boids and then having a light evening snack.

It ain't pretty, but then it's an ugly world. You woik with what ya got.

Friends tell me, they say, "Audrey, you're still young and know how to wear a seamed stockin' on them gams of yours... Why ya stickin' with that undead louse, Slaughter, when ya could be married to an up-n-coming soda joik, some smart middle manager or be one of them chanteuses, singin' torch songs down at the Blue Butterfly?"

But the fact is, sometimes when I see my Mr. Slaughter there, veins in his teeth not a care in the world, I know my ol' Rip Slaughter's still in there. And they don't know what it's like when ya love a man like that.

Maybe in a way, we're all zombies in this world. Just goin' through the motions until ol' Fate gives us the bat to the brainpan.

I dunno. But if ya need our soivices, do give us a call. We're in the book under Z.

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Is there anything our Zombie for Hire can help you with? Comment here today!

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Bloggerella

Introducing Presidential Candidate Bitler

On BlogCatalog the other day, someone posted a discussion, "Obama Mis-spelled as Osama." There, the blogger indicated that because the two names shared some letters, this similarity was both important and detrimental to the United States and Obama's candidacy.

And that got me thinking. Does this mean if a candidate-- just your average joe politician-- named, say, "Bitler" came along, would Bitler have a hard time grabbing the votes?

So as a tribute to Bob Newhart's early stand-up career, I thought we would explore what exactly might happen if a smart, aspiring, regular guy named "George Bitler" decided to run for President... But doesn't realize his unfortunate surface similarities to certain German megalomaniac. What kind of conversation would there be when he meets his new image consultant in person for the very first time?

Well, it might go something like this...

BITLER IMAGE CONSULTANT: Why, George Bitler!-- It's great to finally meet you in person. I really think you've got a bright future ahead of you, George. You know the issues. You have a fresh take on things. It's just, um, there are a few things I think we might need to adjust a little in order for you to truly resonate with the American people...

What's that? Oh, well, no-- your platform is great. But I was thinking more along the lines of... Well, first of all, can you shave the mustache?

Oh, what's wrong with the mustache? Well, George, you know, the mustache is... well, it's a little... SMALL.

Well, yes, I think it looks great, too, George. Yes, yes, very powerful! But see, that toothbrush mustache look went out of style in, well, really, it's... it's been quite a few years now. And it might not have the impact you're hoping for when you go out there and are, um, kissing babies...

No, no, I just think mothers might have a problem with you kissing their babies with that mustache, George. So let's at least think about shaving it off, okay?... Good.

Okay, now, I was looking at some footage of one of your speeches....

Which one? Well, in particular, the one you gave to the airport worker's union. Yes, yes, it was beautiful weather that day. Nice to be outside on a day like that, isn't it?

Well, George, I was looking at that footage and... it's about your body language. I'd like to recommend you tone down some of the arm-waving movements.

Yeah, see, going forward I think maybe the arm swinging, the saluting--

No, no, I understand, George, it is an attention-getter. That it is. But I think what you really want is people to be concentrating on your words, George. Your words...

And I noticed you sorta lost their attention a little at the point that those planes thought they were being waved in.

I mean, we've got you scheduled out at Dullas at least once or twice, and JFK, too, so, well... We're gonna be near the airport, George. So I really think it might be best if you keep the arm movements to a minimum. Maybe just try clasping your hands in front of you, and keeping the salutes a bit more low-key...

No, I really don't think they'll think you're any less patriotic if you don't salute. Just trust me on this, George. Less arm-waving.

All right. Now. I spotted this on the footage, and I can't help noticing it now, too-- you're wearing all beige. Do you... tend to wear all beige often, George?

Ah, you do, hm? You get sweaty and you think it's cooler for you when you're under all those hot lights? Yeah, sure, I can understand that, George. Those lights do get really hot.

But, you see, beige really doesn't... well... you're running for the President of the United States, George, and wearing all beige all the time, well, it says to the American people you're... not easily able to adapt to situations. It kind of looks like... well... a uniform, to be honest, George.

Now what you need is a nice strong navy blue, or a brown, or a gray suit, but...

Yes, I know, those are darker colors and will only absorb the lights, George. But, look, we'll get you some fans, bottled water, and a really good anti-perspirant. You'll be fine.

Okay, the last thing I wanted to bring up, and I'm not sure how exactly to do this, so I'm just going to ask... The armband. What's the deal with the red, white and black armband, George?

Oh, you're setting a trend, are you? It's for... for black lung? Oh, I see-- your dad was a miner and it's in memory of American miners who died of black lung. That's really nice, George. So that black logo in the center is...?

Some crossed pick axes. Right, sorta like Lance Armstrong has the yellow rubber bracelet, you have the red, black and white armband with the crossed pick axes...

Well, gee, George, yes, that is a really nice sentiment and... and... a heckuva great cause. But see, I just think in these early days of your candidacy you're going to want to be a little more broad with your causes...

No, no, I think it's a great thing! But, um, I'm just saying it'll be easier for you if you don't wear your causes on your sleeve, quite so literally.

Sure, you know, and plus, we've got a whole team of guys who'll work on promoting your issues and doing merchandising. Right, it's their jobs, they're getting paid for this sort of thing. So, really, if you don't let them at least try to do some new logos and promo pieces for you, well, they're gonna get insulted. It's these artistic types, George. You know how they are.

Yes, of course, we'll certainly take the logo you designed into account when we design our promotions.

Just focus right now, George, on getting rid of the mustache, finding a nice blue suit, toning down the body language and leaving the armband at home. You do that, and the Bitler campaign will pretty much take care of itself.

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