Trick-or-Treat Bag of Halloween Humor

October: the time of year the witches set aside their Swiffer Wetjets for more traditionally seasonal modes of flying transit... 

Those bright, crisp days before the carved pumpkins begin to sag, sink and soggily sway like drunken old men on every doorstep...

The time of year I realize how many Halloween humor posts I've written since I started blogging, and that newer readers haven't gotten a chance to check them out!

So if you're looking for a few holiday cackles, a dollop of zombie fun, a resurrection of 80's childhood nostalgia and maybe even a few otherworldly groans, look no further than our list below! Click a title to find your frightening funny.

All That is Zombie

• T'was The Night Before Halloween, Plus Zombies (My Shaun of the Dead Sequel Poem). What happens when Shaun pays a trip to visit an American friend and finds himself in a mall full of the Undead? And where do you buy a good cricket bat?

• Rip Slaughter: Zombie for Hire. An original example of the Film Noir Zombie Detective genre. Okay, there probably isn't a genre that specific yet. But maybe there will be.

• Ten Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie. You know you worry about these things.

• New!: The Anti-Zombie Bra from Ashley's Armoire. Do you want to be Evil Dead, or Evil Drop Dead Gorgeous? Defend yourself the stylish way through this exciting new product available from Ashley's Armoire.

Halloween in 80s Kiddom

• Nightmare on Sesame Street Part One. Take one talented seamstress mom, two tons of fiberfill, and a tube of window caulking and what do you get? Halloween immobility and award-winning costuming all-in-one. 

• Nightmare on Sesame Street Part Two. The mean streets of Jersey prove trick-or-treating is a dangerous game, and not just because Mrs. Martin's been giving out the same bag of Milk Duds for five years.

• Halloween on the Doll Lady's Doorstep. An eccentric neighbor with an obsession with dead-eyed dollies as outdoor decor made for triple-dog-dare worthy childhood moments.

Hope you enjoy 'em-- They're sugar and razor-blade free!

Fruit of the Loom Guys Experience Spy Infiltration

Recent evidence has come to light that the Fruit of the Loom Guys-- the renowned mascots for a popular cotton underwear brand-- have been compromised by foreign entities posing among them, in order to obtain highly-classified information on comfort waistbands and non-wedgie fabric production.

Readers may already be familiar with Rory McIntosh (also known as "Apple")-- the popular lead singer of the Fruit Guys group-- and skilled backup men, Concord Jones (called "Purple Grape" to his fans) and Jimmy Niagara (stage name: "Green Grape").

But who is this figure with them, silently harvesting the sweet fruits of their labors?

Leif Romaine, also known as Ignacius Iceburg, Lenny "the Head" Lettuce, and George "Garnish" Wilson is believed to have been a plant in the Fruit Guys band from the very beginning.

Large sums of green sent to Mr. Romaine's bank account suggest that he was in the employ of the Adam & Eve Undergarments Inc., even while appearing with the Fruit Guys. His job, theorists indicate, was to root out the manufacturing strengths of the Fruit of the Loom brand, so it could be duplicated in the Adam & Eve factories at cost.

But Leif's fall from grace has hit the other members of the Fruit Guys hard.
In a candid interview with members of the band, the musicians indicate they feel soured on the whole system now.

"I had no idea something so rotten was going on right under our noses like that," said McIntosh.

"Guess it only takes one bad one to spoil the bunch," added Niagara philosophically.


But the band members insist that because the market is still ripe for their band's niche their music will only grow from this regrettable scandal.

"It all stems from our devotion to comfortable, affordable underwear," states Mr. Concord.

Now, Leif Romaine sits in prison, awaiting trial, in a small maximum security terrarium living on meager sunlight and water.
Lawyers for the accused currently offer no comment. Word on the grapevine is that he plans to plead "Innocent."

Tapping into Gently Worn Spandex

"80s men spandex pants for sale"

That's what someone typed into Google and arrived at Cabbages, only to be disappointed by my serious lack of selection. (Sorry, dude! Rock on.)

And it crossed my mind that whether for personal fashion, or as a thoughtful holiday gift, previously-used spandex trousers-- no matter how well-intentioned the purchase, how well-laundered, or how much this gift might keep on giving--

Well, it still has a certain Ick Factor, doesn't it?

I mean, think about it. Spandex is made of fibers that would have Mother Nature raise an eyebrow, tug at that fabric once, and say:

"This is so not my work. Now pass the Parkay."

And unlike natural fibers, spandex pants do not breathe. Their whole goal is, like, vacuum-sealing. To snuggle up tight to the skin. Like some slick fluorescent sausage casing.

Which, technically, I guess they are.

So, let's say our friend the Googler finds just the right pair of Spandex beauties. Well, these totally awesome pants are likely to have a long history of being worn to Dokken concerts, on steamy outdoor concerts in July where everyone crowd surfed and played their air guitars and head-banged themselves into mild concussion.

These pants would have seen Life!

So I figure there'd be about a 50% chance that Life is still hanging out there in the fibers.

Crashing on the sofa playing Tetris...

Lip-synching...

Biding its time...

Waiting for a new owner to struggle into them and showcase his shiny black-and-neon-green splendor.

I mean, here in Pittsburgh, we still have guys embracing The Mullet and The Tail as important fashion statements. Who's to say that, like them, the 80s cooties just haven't realized decades have passed and never stopped partying on?

Who's to say they aren't ready for another encore?

Then again, hey, maybe Nigel Tufnel, David St. Hubbins and Derek Smalls are getting back together to "Tap into America" for a holiday tour, and are just out pulling together a hot new wardrobe!

At this age, the lyrics to their hit "Big Bottom" might have to be changed a bit to discuss middle-age spread...

And the "Sex Farm" might have to be moved to the greenhouse at the retirement village...

But still. The Rolling Stones aren't gathering any moss. Who's to say Spinal Tap couldn't put the hair-band heaven back into "Hell Hole"?

In which case-- David, Derek, and especially you, Nigel-- if you really are out there planning that resurgence, and are looking for just the right pair of Spandex cellulite sucker-inners, then just remember, my dears...

Before you wear them? Turn that washing machine's "Extra Clean" cycle up to "11."

You'll thank me for it.
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PS- What 80s fashion do you folks hope won't dust itself off? Or what would you like to see come back?

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