Gross Hunters follows the work of C.R.A.P.s (the Crud and Residue Analysis Partnership), a team of parapsychologists-by-day and amateur public health inspectors-by-night.
Their mission? To search for evidence of the filthiest hotels and grossest historic landmarks in the country.
Meet C.R.A.P.s co-founder, Jayden Baldgai:
JAYDEN: "Here we are at Le Chateau D'Isasteur, rumored to be New Orleans' most disgusting hotel. Guests claim a child-sized cockroach roams these halls at night.
"Others say a terrifying face appears in the bathroom mirrors, made of toothpaste residue and spit. It's our job to disprove it before the Board of Health sweeps in and closes 'em down. We'll see what we find."
Joining Jayden on this night's C.R.A.P.s investigation is:
Graham Friggen- C.R.A.P.s Co-Founder...
Afraid-of-Everything-But-Bugs-Vermin-and-Dirt Dude -- Tech Manager
Overly-Excitable Guy -- Comic Relief/Equipment Misplacer/ScapeGoat
And Random-Trainee-Chick-We'll-Never-See-Again-But-Wearing-a-Tank-Top -- Eye Candy
We join the C.R.A.P.s team at Chateau D'Isasteur, after a roadtrip involving witty banter and strategically-filmed bickering.
GRAHAM: "Okay, here we are in room 237, where witnesses claim they've seen the giant cockroach.
"Also, one guest claimed she woke when she felt a cold spot. The bedspread was apparently so filthy, it was trying to crawl off the bed.
"So we're going to use our heat sensors and motion detectors tonight and see if we can recreate that."
CUT TO: critical evidence-gathering sequence involving:
- Grainy, jostling footage
- Cast members saying "Dude, did you hear that?" 47 times
- Tense soundtrack music coincidentally blocking out what the cast just heard
- Cameras swinging the opposite direction of what the main cast seems to be seeing
- And something triggering the motion detectors, which could be a giant cockroach but is actually Overly-Excitable Guy helping himself to the mini-bar.
GUY (gasps, points to the screen with shaky finger): "Dude, what's that?!"
DUDE (yawns disinterestedly): "Ghost."
GUY (trembling with excitement): "Dude, over there, isn't that--?!"
DUDE (nibbles a fingernail): "Meh. Free-roaming, full-torso, vaporous apparition..."
GUY: "Dude, but look, what the hell is that?"
DUDE (leaps up, almost knocks over chair): "Whoa! Now that Jayden and Graham are gonna wanna see!"
CUT TO: Jayden, Graham, Dude and Guy as they gather around the high-tech equipment in preparation for the Reveal:
DUDE (pointing at the computer monitor): "Now here, we have just a bunch of orbs, which indicate electrical energy that could be, you know, conclusive evidence of paranormal activity, blah, blah, blah...
"And here's an apparition that tried to eat Guy. But here's what I really wanted to show you is..."
JAYDEN: "Look at all those dust particles and bugs that initially appear like giant circles photoshopped into the footage! This is terrific, Guy... Dude. Great job! We have something really awesome to show the client."
Celebratory manly fist-bumping occurs following a fine Gross Hunters tradition.
GUY: "We also have an EVP for you to listen to."
GRAHAM: "Electronic Vacuuming Phenomena?"
GUY: "Yeah, this was when the maid was in the room working. Take a listen."
A spine-chilling male voice emanates from the recorder over the vacuuming sound:
"I will swallow your soullllllllll."
Cut to Jayden and Graham with the owner of Chateau D'Isasteur, Mr. Jethro Tully.
GUY: "Hear those clicks under the horrifying otherworldly voice that just made me wet myself? Yeah, those clicks mean that that vacuum the maid is using just doesn't have enough suction...
"In a room of that size, with as much test debris as we put down there, man, you should be hearing a lot more grit and grime rattling through that tube."
JAYDEN (nods): "This house is unclean."
JAYDEN: "While we didn't catch footage of the cockroach, the toothpaste face, or the moving bedspread, we did find a dresser made entirely of dust and pea-soup vomit...
"It also looks like your maid needs a new vacuum cleaner, that one is clogged...
"Oh, and by the way, it seems the entire place is filled with malevolent spirits who want to destroy you...
"But, anyway, you're gonna want to get that vomit dresser out of there before the board of health shows up."
MR. TULLY (looking grateful and shaking their hands): "Thank you, C.R.A.P.s, for giving me the chance to save my business."
Cut to Jayden and Graham in the C.R.A.P.s van, driving back home.
GRAHAM: "Well, I think we really helped Mr. Tully out this weekend. Hey, while I think of it: where's Guy? I didn't see him get in the other van with Dude."
JAYDEN: "He got eaten by the thing in 237 when he was packing up the equipment."
GRAHAM:" Oh. That kinda sucks. I hope they moved out that vomit dresser first."
JAYDEN: "Yeah, they did, it's cool."
GRAHAM (nods): "Where to next?"
JAYDEN: "Where-ever the voiceover narrator they splice in later tells us."
VOICEOVER NARRATOR SPLICED IN LATER: "Next week on Gross Hunters, Jayden, Graham and the C.R.A.P.s team scour the famous House of Mud tourist attraction and see if lives up to its name...
"And C.R.A.P.s gets a surprise phonecall from New Orleans. Has Guy been regurgitated by the thing in 237 along with a second vomit dresser? Will he ever officially be off the C.R.A.P.s team?..
"Find out all the dirt, on the next breath-taking episode of Gross Hunters!"
14 comments:
Great job. And I hate to admit it, but that first guy does kinda look like me...
Ha! Those guys and the....er...eyecandy are nuts. I made need them at my place to help me with spring cleaning.
Good job with the parody!
Jenn - this is sheer brilliance. As a reluctant fan of Ghost Hunters, this is parody at its finest! You keep out-doing yourself!
Knucklehead- Heh, it crossed my mind a while ago, and I had to work it in. :)
Reforming Geek- You and me both, Carol! There may be a dustbunny monster living in my vents. :)
Nanny Goats- Oh, that program is so silly but totally addictive-- I absolutely understand. I ended up watching a whole marathon on Christmas Day. Nothing says Christmas like questionable phenomena. :)
Whats the Haps on the Craps? I believe you answered it here. Great blog - you should turn it into a script.
Nice work once again, Jenn. See you in the loser's circle, I'm afraid.
Hahaha! That was especially funny because I've watched Ghost Hunters and it totally is like that (only with hunting ghosts, obviously).
Walt- Heh, I think this blog is about as far as that CRAPs, er, TAPs folks would let me get with any script. :) But thanks for the visit and the comment!
Mike- Ah, yes! We'll have a nice toast on Thursday and depart with grace and dignity-- and maybe some kicking and screaming. :) Actually, this contest has made me even more appreciative for the good folks who do read the blog regularly. Perspective's a beautiful thing.
ScrewDestiny- I think I've been watching too much of those BBC housecleaning shows in between the Ghost Hunters. :)
'Hotel D'Isasteur'! Good one! LOL!
And -
"CUT TO: critical evidence-gathering sequence involving:
* Grainy, jostling footage
* Cast members saying "Dude, did you hear that?" 47 times
* Tense soundtrack music coincidentally blocking out what the cast just heard
* Cameras swinging the opposite direction of what the main cast seems to be seeing
* And something triggering the motion detectors, which initially seems like a giant cockroach but turns out to be Overly-Excitable Guy helping himself to the mini-bar."
Yep, that's about right for ALL of those parapsychology 'reality' programmes!
Jay- Heh, yeah, the "Chateau D'Isasteur" was the name of an album Jethro Tull did where everything went wrong in it-- they just couldn't make the concept work, and eventually bailed on it. They ended up taking the material which turned into, I believe, more successful albums, reworked. But this recording, at a big old hotel/mansion, apparently was a mess.
I couldn't resist the obscure nod to it.
God, I loved this. I think you outdid yourself with the illustrations too.
I have to confess that I have a crush on the bald dude from TAPS. He's like a poor woman's Michael Chiklis. (The Shield not the Commish)
ShieldMaiden- Ha, wow, he IS, too!! I hadn't put together the similarity, but I can totally see it!
It's funny with this post, the people who like it REALLY like it and then everyone else is sorta going, "Erm... yeah, Jenn. Whatever." :)
That's the web for ya. :)
Fantastic!!
Ha ha! Madness - just like the TV show :)
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