From ShamWow! and SlapChop to the Snuggie and OxyClean, there's an As-Seen-On-TV product for virtually everyone...
Well, not quite everyone... until now! Yes, finally-- the line of helpful, effective, and time-saving products that undead and supernatural consumers have been waiting for! A family of items tailored specifically to the needs of the not-quite-living. Being inhuman and evil incarnate has never been so beautiful!
Wair. Are you a werewolf ashamed of all that unnecessary body hair? Is fur just too Old School Stylin' for your fashion-conscious wolfpack these days? Now you can be silky-smooth-- and more aerodynamic when chasing victims-- with Wair, depilatory made specifically for werewolves. Comes in super-economy sizes for that sexy, all-over hair-free feeling!
DracNav. You're a vampire leading an active social life. You like to travel-- take in new castles, or hit that hot new club. But how many times have you been nearly flambeed because you accidentally walked onto consecrated ground? Ouch!
But now there's DracNav, the world's only personal GPS-based detector for santified spaces. DracNav fits comfortably in the ear, so it's handy no matter how far from your coffin you fly. Never get lost on holy ground again! And with its new super-sonic hearing device capabilites, you'll detect angry villagers with torches a mile away. Talk about convenience!
OxyShroud. So you're a mummy... You've been wearing the same old rags for 6,000 years. And you do everything in them-- stalk archaeologists, suck the life out of disbelievers, chase away cats... You're undead on-the-go!
So how do you keep those rags of yours sparkling clean? It's easy with OxyShroud! This unique steam-cleaning kit uses the power of oxygen, to clean those rags and get them their whitest. Plus, OxyShroud's special system allows you to keep the rags on while you clean, so you'll never disintegrate to dust from a full exposure to air.
Safe4Silver. You love jewelry, but how do you know it's safe to wear, now that you've become a werewolf? Well, Safe4Silver will test your jewelry to check for silver content. Simply send your jewelry in our easy-to-claw-shut Safe4Silver pre-paid envelope. Pieces we discover contain silver, we buy direct from you. Then we'll return-mail you the rest-- (less the cost of shipping and handling)-- along with your cash. Avoiding nasty silver burns and potential death has never been easier... and more financially savvy!
ShedEgg. Living in the Black Lagoon can leave your skin rough and scaly. But with the new ShedEgg, you can remove years of those unshed skin layers, to uncover that beautiful tadpole-like glow you remember.
(Thanks to my witty friends Shirley and Scoobie for helping inspire this post!)
And while you're here, tell me folks-- if you had your druthers, what would you rather be-- a werewolf or a vampire? (Or other.) It always makes for an interesting discussion. :)
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21 comments:
Hilarious! To this list may I add the VampAlert, the alert monitoring service you wear around your neck. Have you ever had a confrontation with a werewolf or a particularly energetic Slayer? Worry no longer! From the makers of MedicAlert, now just click a button to alert to nearest Vampires to come to your aid. "Help, I have fallen and I can't get up" will no longer lead to a stake through the heart. VampAlert will send you help lickety-split. Fear the dark no more!
StillThinking- Ah, beautiful! The perfect product to round out the line!
Our marketing department at COMWWHQDHOW is working on a line of skin care products for zombies.
Nothing makes a zombie more upset and brain hungry than to realize his or her face is kind of bloody and parts are falling off. We have already signed up Billy Mays to do the infommercials. All we are waiting for is a good name. Could a marketing guru like you help us? This could be the best selling product of the coming zombie apocalypse.
We just need a catchy name. Everything else is in place.
Da Old Man- Hmm... I can definitely see a need here.
Possibly "Oil NeauxDecay"? Or LeproDerm?
Awesome. Especially since I read all of them with Billy Mays' voice in my head.
I would rather be a vampire. Turning into a werewolf looks like a painful and trying process.
Shawn- Heh, cool. And yes, I don't like the pain aspect of the whole werewolf thing. I also don't like not knowing what I've been up to or where I've been. I mean, there are other ways than werewolfism for that to happen, but I like to have a bit more control of things than that. :)...
You could be Shawn of the Dead, you know. But you've probably heard that about... oh... a zillion times.
werewolf of course. duh!
Nooter- Oh, but of course! It's so obvious!
Lol! Glad to inspire! The werewolf needs a little Teen Wolf Spirit too for the days when he/ she wants to get a little closer don't be shy. :) That's so funny! Still laughing! :)
Shirley- Okay, I'm laughing too now-- AGAIN...
Teen Wolf Spirit: the fragrance for young cubs on the prowl. :)
Even though I'm not a mummy or a creature of the black lagoon, I could use Oxyshroud and ShedEgg. Both of these products have great cross over potential. Even though I've only read the first Twilight book and just saw the movie... overall, there's enough edward mania in my house to make a vampire my clear choice.
Margo- Ah, yes-- gotta go with where the family loyalties lie. :)
I have large front teeth so they would fit right in with the vampire teeth so I'd rather be a vampire than a werewolf. Although last time I checked my armpits....
Anyway, witches that fly on brooms cold probably use a padded broom handle cover, like they make for pipes!
Reforming Geek- Heh, TMI about the pits, dear lady. :)
But ya know what? You made me realize I TOTALLY forgot to include an item in my list for the Witch-American community!
I mean, what was I THINKING? And me a fan of Harry Potter, as well.
I'm ashamed.
Vampire hands down.
Okay, every time I read OxyShroud I hear the voice (or rather, horrific shout) of Billy Mays. He's dressed up as Indiana Jones and wandering around a unconvincing 'Egyptian Tomb' studio set...
Please can you make it stop?
Musing- Thank you for weighing in! :)
Tiggy- Yeah, sorry about that-- I heard him too when I was writing it, if that's any consolation...
I didn't see him in the Indy garb though-- that's a nice touch.
After a full winter of not moisturizing and not shaving, if I call now, will I be offered TWO ShedEggs? Of course I'll pay for the extra shipping and handling.
Dana- Absolutely, but only if you act now. :) We can't do this all day.
I think I'd rather be a werewolf. See, then I'd be like a dog and could lick myself.
Stumbled.
John- Hm... that might make the other undead folks giggle and point at you. But, hey, I guess you'd be entertaining at parties! :)
Thanks for Stumbling!
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