T'was the Night Before Halloween, Plus Zombies (Shaun of the Dead Sequel Poem)

(As part of the Humor Bloggers Halloween Humor Carnival)

T'was the night before Samhain and all through the mall
The zombies, they found it a great human haul
All hungry they'd tripped to this mecca of dosh
And readied themselves for a holiday nosh

The humans had come here in bright fancy dress
With visions of prizes, for those who were best.
A few conjured witches, a few crept as cats,
Here sulked emo vampires and there-- other twats.

When out from the food court arose a great murmur,
Like massage chairs gone wonky in Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Away to McDonalds I flew like a flash;
Were they giving free chips? It would save me some cash.

The moon through the skylight above Chick Fil-A
Gave the tile floor a spotlight in silvery-gray
When, what to my red, jetlagged eyes did appear
But that gaggle of zombies in zombie-like gear.

With a corpse in the lead just so bloody and fat
Well, I ran off to purchase a strong cricket bat.
As slow as molasses these zombies they came.
(Bought baseball, not cricket-- plus thrower-of-flame)

Now Gimpy, now Pinhead, now Jason, and Freddie
On Limpy and Nigel and tens of old deadies...
From Perfumes in Macy's to the front of the stage,
The undead they oozed in their undeadly rage

I stood firm and waited, just tapping my bat
And cursed my bad luck. I mean, who would think that
I'd fly off just to meet an American friend
And wouldn't you know? Bleedin' zombies-- again!

My friend only frowned. "What's that thing for, Shaun?"
"They're zombies! Get ready. Here, turn this thing on."
As I passed the flame-thrower, and was ready to swing,
The zombies, they did a remarkable thing.

They were forming a queue, one right after the other.
This with popped eyeballs, that-- one ugly mother.
They queued and they shuffled up front of the judges
They gave their best moans, their best drools, some nice trudges

Their jaws how they slackened, their lips how they drooled
And yet no one ran panicked. "They're zombies, you fools!"
Yet shout as I did, the crowd wasn't afraid.
"Shaun, it's our annual costume parade..."

"...They do this each year," said my friend of the hoard.
And he showed me a sign. "Zombie Walk." Oh, good Lord.
"You took me to this after all I'd been through?!...
"...Ed's undead in my shed!" "Well, it's something to do."

So I grabbed the flame-thrower, I bagged up the club
I pushed past three zombies and hit the mall pub.
And my friend called to me as I stalked out of sight,
"Their mixed zombies are great. But order me a Bud Light?"



Nanny Goats In Panties said...

OMG, Jenn! I loved this. This is one of those things if seen by the right person could go viral. Of course, it will come back to you 2 weeks from now via email and attributed to Kurt Vonnegut and you'll never see a dime, but you could at least copyright the hell out of it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Nanny Goats- Oh, I don't know about that, but I'm thrilled you like it! It had so much fun with it.

nonamedufus said...

That was great Jenn. It has a real Shaun of the Dead feel. I loved that movie. You should drop by and see mine!

Jenn Thorson said...

Dufus- Will do. And glad you enjoyed it!

Melanie said...

Loved it!!!

Me-Me King said...

Wow-weeee!!! This is awesome, Jenn,
I love it!

What a sweet Tweet to Stumble upon. Happy Halloween!

Tiggy said...

This rocks! I'll have nightmares about it tonight, but it rocks anyway. ;)

ReformingGeek said...

I don't think I should go to the mall with you.....

Maybe I'll just order a zombie!

timethief said...

Ha! ha! ha! "They were forming a queue, one right after the other.
This with popped eyeballs, that-- one ugly mother."

Count me in the "loved it" group. Hopefully, I won't be plagued with nightmares. ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Heh- thanks a bunch, everybody! Apologies if nightmares were bestowed upon ye! :)

Have a nice cuppa relaxing tea... or a mixed zombie.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my god. This is awesome. How long did it take you to come UP with this???

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- A couple of hours, on and off. Oh, and thank you for the RT on it-- I just saw that.

Claire said...

It needs to be narrated by Brian Blessed! That would make it super cool :)

Maybe you could impersonate him?

Jenn Thorson said...

Heh- I'd rather have Simon Pegg do it, for character consistency. :) But, so as not to disappoint you...

"FLASH! Ahhh-ahhhhh! He's invincible!"

Dale Arden: "Flash, I LOVE you!-- but you have only 14 hours to save the world!"

(That line always cracks me up.)

Claire said...

You are right, Simon Pegg should do it! or Tom Baker? He would be good too.

That line also cracks me up, I need to add that film to my classic collection. I use to hate the scary tree stump bit though, I wouldn't stick my hand in there.

Jenn Thorson said...

Claire- Well, if not Simon Pegg, then perhaps Jim Dale. :)

I think I've only seen Flash twice. Once in college and I rented it once to show a friend because I thought it was so wonderfully campy, and she enjoyed "Highlander" with the Queen soundtrack so much.

Now you've got me wondering if it's still on DVD. :)

Sci-Fi Gene said...

I am so linking to this poem.

Waltsense.com said...

Well done. I will buy u that bud light

Jenn Thorson said...

Sci-Fi Gene- Heh, many thank yous... I'm glad you liked it enough to want to share. :)

Walt- Ah-- refreshing! And zombie-free! :)

Anonymous said...

Ah, a poem after my own zombie heart.


Jenn Thorson said...

Quirky- Thank you for checking it out. It's good we fans of all that is zombie stick together. :)

AuctionWally said...

Witty and brilliant! Thanks for the fun. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and it's great to see others so enthusiastic about it!

Jenn Thorson said...

Wally- Hey, haven't seen you in a while-- glad to know you're still around and blogging.

CatLadyLarew said...

Great Zombie work!

The Irate Dog said...

Haha, I'm loving it. I've gotta get thinking about Halloween now! ARG!

Zombie Logic said...

I love this zombie poem.

Dyeve said...

♥Love it!
Joy is felt even by the rhythms of touchdown;s zombies. … :)

Janene said...

Absolutely fantastic, Jenn! Love it. Love it. Love it!