Recipe for How to Really Annoy Chef Gordon Ramsay


I've been catching up on episodes of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, a show where disorganized and desperate restaurant owners turn to renowned, expletive-chucking chef, Gordon Ramsay, for a complete business revamp-- and a good kick up the bottom.

So after several weeks of keen observation, I believe I have found the right mix of ingredients that, when combined, consistently serve up the biggest, most heaping plate of stinking, steaming annoyance to the King of Culinary Corrections. Let's call it...


Effing Fail Flambé

Ingredients:
  • 1 floundering restaurant owner. Must be rigidly firm, tart, bitter, and yet have a surprisingly thin skin.
  • 3 gallons of ignorance about how the show typically works and what Gordon Ramsay is like. Or substitute 3 gallons unrealistic optimism that, to you alone, Chef Ramsay would be a fluffy kitten you could tuck in your pocket.
  • 1 kitchen staff, green
  • 2 cups denial
  • 1/2 pint confusion
  • 1 cup passive-aggression, dry
  • Pinch of ptomaine
  • Self-esteem, shredded
  • Handful of nuts
  • Dash of melodrama
  • Enthusiasm, fresh and zested

Directions

Peel restaurant owner, light tempers, then stew over medium heat. Add in ignorance and denial. Warning: contents of pot may separate and spit as chemicals react.

Raise heat to medium-high.

Add in pinch of ptomaine.

Fold in passive-aggressiveness slowly, a little at time until color and texture of mixture changes to dark sticky syrup.

Pour in confusion, and stir throughout.

Let green kitchen staff ripen. Those that remain green, chop. Zest enthusiasm and stir.

Mix in shredded self-esteem, then add a dash of melodrama. Turn up heat to high until at risk of boiling over.

Turn down heat and leave mixture sit to congeal. After a day, fold in remaining passive-aggressiveness. Set on fire. Top with nuts.

When complete, should rate 500 f-words on the Ramsay Scale.

11 comments:

nipsy said...

I love Chef Ramsey... I particularly love the way he rips apart those owners who THINK they know it all. I'm also making a list of which restaurants to NEVER eat at..lol

Perfect recipe here..maybe you ought to send this out to restaurants all over..it might give them a clue..

Jenn Thorson said...

Nipsy- I just don't understand how people can have a FAILING business, KNOW this, and then still want to stick to all these stupid things that weren't working. Like the dude who INSISTED on his "20 flavor combinations"-- which was weighing down his entire operation and didn't taste good either.... I just shook my head.

Jaffer said...

Wish I could send one of my previous bosses to a show like that - for accounting-office bosses.
He was a fumbling idiot and would shout even if the matter was trivial !

A little Ramsay should do 'em alrite.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- You've really hit on why a lot of non-restaurant organizations would benefit from something like Chef Ramsay, coming in and looking at it with fresh eyes and getting the businesses out of some of the goofy internal culture things they do. I've worked with clients on web sites where there is just no dissuading them that the rest of the world doesn't view them as they do.

So often they need a little tough love to get it through to them.

ReformingGeek said...

I love the recipe. It fits most corporations!

Pay the consultants, use the buzzwords for awhile, and then go back to the "old ways". Hum......

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- Sadly, it really does. I'm always amazed at the owners, on the show, who all nod and agree and say, "Yes, this is a great idea." Then take the staff aside and say, "I'm still running the show and we're not going to do any of these things." As if their business was THRIVING under their bad management. It's all egos.

stillthinking said...

A lot of the restaurant owners don't understand that a restaurant is a BUSINESS. They think that they like to cook and their friends tell them they cook well. They have no management experience, but have a gut feeling that if they take the chance, they can make it happen. I often wonder what happens to the restaurants after Ramsey leaves. Do these owners get seminars on management behind the scenes? Probably not. I know a few of the restaurants end up going under anyway. Loved it and thanks!

Melanie said...

I don't watch Gordon Ramsey because I don't think one human being should be allowed to talk to another human being the way he does and especially not on prime time!

But... I agree with your recipe. I could write a book about ignorant restaurant owners who couldn't find their behind with both hands and yet think they can run a restaurant. Currently, I'm working for a pair of those fools.

There should be some sort of law that says you need five years experience in the food industry before you can operate your own food business! Would prevent a lot of business failures. And restaurants have THE highest rate of new business failure.

Jenn Thorson said...

Still-- And some of them overestimate their abilities in the kitchen, too. The stuff they come up with is amazingly scary, in many cases.

Melanie- You know, when I first saw it, I too thought, "How can he speak to people that way?" And now having watched it a bit, I can see that while it's not a tactic I would employ myself, it's almost the only way to get the attention of some of these people who put ego over their own success. It's almost like they need to be broken down before they can concede they might at all be the cause of the problem.

Awesomeness said...

Your recipe is perfect! You even left out humility, which is what I find lacking in these restaurant owners.

jay said...

I've never watched a 'reality chef' programme, they simply don't appeal to me. But it never fails to amaze me how much people can whine about things they should have known from the outset. LOL!