If Spammers Behaved the Same Way in Person

Picture yourself at a party. You're digging the tunes. You've got a small plate holding mystery-filled pastry puffs in one hand, and a frosty beverage in the other. You're chatting to old friends and new. And then the door bursts open.

A person you've never seen before enters. He is wearing a plaid jacket and a big beaming grin. On the jacket, he has pinned hundreds of random items.

He walks over to your discussion group. You've been talking about a movie you all really enjoyed. He listens a moment, smiles, nods and says:

"Roquefort cheese is made through an elaborate process which encourages the cheese to mold. It must be done in a cheese press, promoting air pockets in the milk, and by carefully monitoring air temperature and humidity. To learn more about buying fresh bleu cheeses, check this out."

He unclips one of the products on his jacket and hands it to you. It is a Wide World of Bleu Cheese brochure and something which may or may not be an actual sample of bleu cheese, but which smells suspiciously like rubber.

You hand it back to him saying you're lactose unsupportive, excuse yourself and decide to join another group quickly-- one perhaps less... cheese-infested.

Here, your friends are talking about some hot new technology you find fascinating. But you're only there for a moment when the Plaid-Clad Stranger shows up again. You're just in the middle of saying why you prefer this new technology over the old, when the stranger taps you on the shoulder and interjects:
"Conundrum spatula seven colander summertime Lord Byron hiccups."

You blink. Everyone in your circle stops what they're doing and stares.

The stranger doesn't seem to notice this reaction. In fact, he looks terribly pleased with himself. And this time, instead of passing out a brochure, he saunters away to another group of guests himself.

Well, now you're wondering what's wrong with this guy. Your eyes track him to where the host of the party is standing. The host is busy refreshing drinks, introducing folks who haven't met each other before, and making everyone feel at home.

And right in the middle of pouring martinis, the Plaid Stranger stops the host with a firm hand on his arm and proclaims:

"I like this forum. It is very good informative and overflow with happy niceness. I will return much often.... Antarctic brides! Meet hot Antarctic brides!"

And he thrusts one of the packages from his jacket at the host, which appears to be a knock-off Barbie doll wearing a fur hat with earflaps. The host is frozen with confusion. And that's when the stranger starts grabbing at the host's pants pocket, trying to relieve him of his wallet.

A few guests slap the Stranger off. "What are you doing? Who is this guy? Did you invite him? I didn't invite him!"

At this point, the Stranger is being ushered out of the room, shouting in a tongue no one understands:
"Uybay ymay oductspray! Akemay igbay ashcay! On'tday ismay outay!"

The host is explaining desperately that, no, he has no idea who this guy is and maybe they should call the cops. Together, you manage to shove the Plaid Stranger out of the apartment, and you lock the door behind him.

Hands trembling with irritation, your host is pouring himself a martini. He shakes his head and pours you one, too. He says this is the third time this has happened this week, and he just keeps reporting it.

You can still see the shadow of stranger's feet hovering outside the door.

"Good morning, Sun Shines! " he says through the wall. "But I think you're wrong! This is very helpful to me but needs more gooder information yet. Contact me to discuss!"

So you do the only logical thing you can think of. You turn the music up. Way up.

22 comments:

Beer Drinker said...

Hey Jenn.

That's the PG version, but quite awesome!

Jenn Thorson said...

Beer Drinker- Heh, thanks-- I was worried using any actual spammer keywords would either accidentally get my blog pegged as a splog too, or just entice spammers to think I was one of their kind, and try buddying up. :)

polybore said...

Actually having read your post it seems that polybore is an in person spammer.

Jenn Thorson said...

Polybore- Now WHEN have you shouted "Hot Antrctic Brides!" at anyone in a cocktail party. I see you piping up more about, well, kilts-- but in third person. :)

Jaffer said...

Lactose 'unsupportive' come on ! But I think from your comment above, I understand.

I believe you missed out an 's' in 'ismay'

terothay iseway, reatgay stpoay Jenn ! ):ay

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- You are the most multilingual person I know. :) And skilled in this particular branch of Latin, too. heh-heh...

Deray said...

jajajajajaja as usual Jenn, a good laugh and right before lab meeting, thanks!

In a non-PG version the guy would have gotten beaten up badly! Who doesn't dream of slapping a spammer/scammer?

Antarctic Groom said...

This is why I avoid parties. Too many plaid strangers!

Kimberly said...

I just wish there was a way to let my spammers know that I DO NOT HAVE, NOR HAVE I EVER HAD, A PENIS. That would eliminate about 60% of what I end up deleting.

stillthinking said...

Clever Lady! Yeah, after I deleted my post about spam, the actual spam went way down. I think they were attracted to the keywords as well. I was cracking up, especially when the spammer dissolves into spouting gibberish and lifting wallets.

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- It's true. Even as I Reject those spam messages in Moderation I do find myself wanting to shake those people. "What is WRONG with you? Why don't you see these posts don't go through and give up? What is the point of trying to put the SAME SPAM on the same post each day for a year??"

Antarctic Groom- Too much potential competition for the Brides, too. :)

Kim- Ah, but they just don't care. It doesn't matter if their spam isn't a good product fit for you. They don't care that we're not talking about cheese when they interrupt and talk about cheese. Relevance means absolutely nothing to these people!

Still- I still get some of those spam comments that make absolutely no sense, just random words. I guess they're testing to see if their comment gets through. (I doesn't.) And yet they still never learn, do they?

Beer Drinker said...

Jenn.

Here is a post I did back in October which includes some actual award-winning spams I've received. You know, though. I haven't been spammed because of this post.

http://www.dailybeerreview.com/2009/10/reb-ale.html

ReformingGeek said...

Wait. I have friends that are like that.

Well, actually, they pop over to your group and start talking about themselves. ;-)

Anyway, very funny as usually. I love it!

Jenn Thorson said...

BeerDrinker- Your post was really quite funny. Some of those enhancement metaphors they were using, well, you really can't make that stuff up.

ReformingGeek- Heh, yes, I've experienced that too. Maybe we've known some of the same people. :)

Babs-beetle said...

Yep, that man is a globe trotter. He pops up here all the time too! Hilarious!

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Oh yes-- he's DEFINITELY a man of the world!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Lactose unsupportive. Great line. This is a great idea...live spam. He'd probably also be shouting "WOULD ANYONE LIKE ME TO TRANSFER 14 MILLION DOLLARS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT?!?! ASK ME FOR DETAILS!"

Michael said...

What is almost as fun is having that friend that always has an angle, usually MLM that they try to pressure you into.


...And Another Thing!!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- I did think of your friend in Nigeria who wants to ensure you get the big bucks when I was pulling this together.

Michael- Oh yes. It's a little like Amway or those candle or kitchen gadget parties we gals regrettably get invited to. (I avoid those like the plague.)

Unfinished Rambler said...

How do you hit every single post out of the park? That's what I want to know. I have yet to read a bad post on your blog...well, except for that one about a year ago that... ;) Just kidding.

But just to prove I'm not a spammer and actually did read your post, where can I find these hot Antarctic brides? Um, yeah, it's not for me, it's for a friend. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

RamblingDude- Ah, very nice you think so... I've had my share of post duds. The key is to blog often enough that it averages out. :)

Aussie said...

I get the same thing with my website. Its an Australian directory, the rules are simple, Australian websites or international sites that cater to Australians. Must be in English. High quality sites and blogs only. No spammy stuff or illegal stuff. etc
Its all spelled out nice and clear (I hope) Yet daily I delete about 10 submission submitted to the wrong category - written in another language - advertising p*rn etc. In the article submissions I get the same as on your blog - random copy and paste comments plugging their stuff or gibberish that doesn't make sense or even flattering comments - but not the article the submission form is for lol - they must think I won't notice because the keep on submitting them.

There are companies that pay these people per post too making it even more of a nightmare. I have taken to gathering the emails(of ones that do it regularly)and emailing who ever hosts them (free emails like gmail, hotmail yahoo etc)but I doubt it will do any good.