No, young Tutankhamun also suffered from a cleft palate, a club foot, and a good old-fashioned case of malaria.
Now, this comes as a surprise to many of us, who have pretty much pictured him as a Richie Rich in a loincloth, up to his fake beard in gold home accessories and cats.
But that's just thanks to the ancient Egyptian PR and damage control tactics of one very talented Royal Image Vizier.
This is how it all started.
VIZIER: Tut babysweetieboobie, how ya feelin'?...____________________________
Pardon?.... "Mired and Foogurts"? What are they-- a new Giza lawfirm or something?
Oh, you mean you're tired from the malaria and from dragging that club foot around... Sorry, kid, it's a little hard to understand you with that cleft palate.
Well, here's the thing, Tutty-baby. Don't you worry about any of that, I've got it all worked out.
See-- yes, soon you're gonna be introduced as the ruler of Egypt, the representative of the gods on Earth...
(A pretty nice living, if I do say so myself, congratulations. I'd like a gig like that myself some day.)
But as we both know, the people of Egypt have some expectations for their living gods. And mumbling and dragging a leg ain't it, ya follow me? You don't want to go down in history as King Gimpy al-Mushmouth.
So here's the dish, Tut-baby. For the clubbed foot. We've developed a new thing. It's a twist on the Royal Litter. But instead of four eunuchs carrying you around on a silk stretcher, we've built this throne with a big hollow platform under it.
And what we do is, we have the four guys inside it, moving you around from underneath. Nobody can see 'em, and it looks like you're gliding around unaided. It'll be really god-like, it'll drive the crowds wild, trust me....
What do we call it?...
Well, we're thinking of calling it the "PharaohRound." Yeah, we're working on the copyright for that now. I'll let you know when it comes through. Anyway, I think you'll like it. Very comfortable. Very regal. It's a good look for you. And nobody'll see that foot.
Okay, so next, there's the cleft palate issue. Since reconstructive maxiofacial surgery won't be invented for a few years yet, and the people need to be able to hear your royal announcements, we've got a thing we'd like to try.
Yeah, just something to get your message to the people without them knowing about your little oral presentation problem.
Now, what we're thinking is, you've already got the guys under the Pharaohround, right?
Well, one of them will memorize your speeches in advance and saythem for you. You, meanwhile, will just move your mouth to the words at the same time as he does. So it will sound like it comes from you...
Yes, it is innovative. We're calling it Lip-Sphinxing, on account of how the Sphinx was known for his wisdom and gift for gab.
Yeah, I like it, too.
So anyway, with the Pharaohround and the Lip-Sphinxing, I think we'll be able to get you through this. You can pose for a few golden statues, we'll prop you up for a few strategically-placed wall paintings... everybody will buy it, no problem. And—
What's that Tut-baby?... Oh, what do you do about groupies?
Well, I'd just keep quiet if I were you. Girls dig the silent type.
Anyway, since you wear more makeup than a tattooed temple dancer, you might not have to worry about that.
We'll cross that aquaduct when we get to it, knowwhatImsayin'?