I've been catching up on episodes of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, a show where disorganized and desperate restaurant owners turn to renowned, expletive-chucking chef, Gordon Ramsay, for a complete business revamp-- and a good kick up the bottom.
So after several weeks of keen observation, I believe I have found the right mix of ingredients that, when combined, consistently serve up the biggest, most heaping plate of stinking, steaming annoyance to the King of Culinary Corrections. Let's call it...
Effing Fail Flambé
Ingredients:
- 1 floundering restaurant owner. Must be rigidly firm, tart, bitter, and yet have a surprisingly thin skin.
- 3 gallons of ignorance about how the show typically works and what Gordon Ramsay is like. Or substitute 3 gallons unrealistic optimism that, to you alone, Chef Ramsay would be a fluffy kitten you could tuck in your pocket.
- 1 kitchen staff, green
- 2 cups denial
- 1/2 pint confusion
- 1 cup passive-aggression, dry
- Pinch of ptomaine
- Self-esteem, shredded
- Handful of nuts
- Dash of melodrama
- Enthusiasm, fresh and zested
Directions
Peel restaurant owner, light tempers, then stew over medium heat. Add in ignorance and denial. Warning: contents of pot may separate and spit as chemicals react.
Raise heat to medium-high.
Add in pinch of ptomaine.
Fold in passive-aggressiveness slowly, a little at time until color and texture of mixture changes to dark sticky syrup.
Pour in confusion, and stir throughout.
Let green kitchen staff ripen. Those that remain green, chop. Zest enthusiasm and stir.
Mix in shredded self-esteem, then add a dash of melodrama. Turn up heat to high until at risk of boiling over.
Turn down heat and leave mixture sit to congeal. After a day, fold in remaining passive-aggressiveness. Set on fire. Top with nuts.
When complete, should rate 500 f-words on the Ramsay Scale.
