Signs of Zombies and My New Zombie Defense Strategy


Yesterday, Austin, Texas news reported that construction signs along one highway began to flash warnings of a zombie outbreak. They're currently blaming hackers, but honestly... Didn't we all know this was coming sometime?

Could the hacker story not, in fact, be a clever cover-up conspiracy for the truth of the situation? Just to prevent mass panic?

I mean, at the first sign of a few snowflakes, we all run off to the store to stock up on milk and bread. As if dry toast and 2% are the keystones to quality survivalist living...

And at any sort of big sports triumph, fans take to the streets, knock over trashcans and set things on fire. Because celebration requires conflagration.

This is the logic of the masses.

So you can see where news about the zombie hoards coming... well, that would have to be suppressed for a while for the safety of the public, first to save people from themselves.

I mean, they might be undead, but zombies should only have to take so much blame.

Now, you may not know this, but I live just on the cusp of Zombie Central.

No, no, not in Austin. But our Monroeville Mall, right outside Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is famous-- not only for being a key scene in George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead...

And an annual Zombie Walk which benefits the Greater Pittsburgh Food Bank (savor the irony)...

But it is also home to The Monroeville Zombies Museum, Gallery and Attraction-- the perfect place for stocking up on all your critical Zombie Defense paraphanalia.

And that is where I purchased the one item that should help me with my latest zombie defense strategy.

My cunning "Monroeville Zombies" t-shirt disguise....


See, I'd previously detailed some preliminary plans for myself to deal with zombie defense, but much of that involved zombie-proofing my home.

This t-shirt, I believe, gives me an added dimension of protection in that, should I run out of supplies like milk and bread, I could possibly make it to the store by showing my solidarity for the zombie cause. By clearly saying, "Hey, I'm one of you." Also, by drooling a bit, walking slowly, and looking vacant...

So basically, how things are before I have my morning coffee.

I'm practicing my shuffle and groan now. And I already have dark circles under my eyes, so that's a plus. And now I have my nifty Monroeville Zombies t-shirt-- so I can be fashionable and possibly not gnawed upon. I might still need to invest in some fake blood or possibly just dip into the Heinz ketchup in my fridge. But I'll deal with that detail when the time comes.

What do you think? Here, I'll show you the general look I'm considering...


Do I stand a chance?

Oh, and because I care about you guys and would hate to think all of my nice readers got eaten by the undead and stuff, you might also want to check out the following Cabbages zombie defense-related posts...
Be careful out there!

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UPDATE!!- Well, there have been some folks who felt I didn't look zombiefied enough. So my friend Jaffer was kind enough to use his Mad Photoshop Skillz and make me a little more assimilated to the zombie hoards. It's a good look for me...


Sorta like I've just enjoyed a really nice pasta marinara... Or a neighbor.
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43 comments:

Ronald the Zombie said...

Still too pretty m'dear... your face does not dry enough.
And you will need more blood around your mouth.

But I am afraid you still don't stand a chance against me.

Jenn Thorson said...

Ronald the "Z"- You Zombies are darned hard to please... And great, who knew you were all internet-savvy, too?

Bugger!

Now I'm gonna have to completely redo my game plan. (Sigh.) Anyone have Sean's number? Maybe he can International Express Mail me a cricket bat.

Liz said...

LOL!!!!! :D

Da Old Man said...

Be safe at Zombie Central. Maybe you could get a deal on cricket bats somewhere.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- Maybe I'll have to think more general baseball bat... Still, the cricket bats have that nice flat surface that really works...

hawaiianpun said...

If you're really worried about this, you should probably add the following title to your bookshelf: The Zombie Handbook: How to Identify the Living Dead and Survive the Coming Zombie Apocalypse.

If you're forward thinking, you'd also be wise to pick up How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion.

Just lookin' out for you.

Jenn Thorson said...

HawaiianPun- Thank you for thinking of me-- it's very kind. I am aware of the Zombie Handbook. I was hoping to get it a little cheaper than it currently is, but perhaps I need to just bite the bullet on it, as you never know when you'll be hit with a zombie plague.

It's one case where being frugal might just get you killed.

I'm less concerned about a robot uprising, unless it is also alien-instigated-- a la Daleks. But I'll keep it in mind.

Chaotically Calm said...

You're just not looking undead enough! I think the ketchup is gonna be too obvious and we don't want you smelling like a hot dog vendor. My suggestion corn syrup mixed with a little blue and red food coloring, you know not that I've been giving this thought.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chaotically Calm-- No, no, no thought about it at ALL.... :) Mmm.

Jaffer just made me a photo of me zombiefied due to his uber-kool photoshop skills. I'll have to add that above.

Melinda said...

This was a great, fun piece. Ha ha ha. It was only a matter of time before someone did hack into the signs. :)

Melinda

Me-Me King said...

My sister and her family live in Austin. Come to think of it, I've not heard from her in a week now. I must try to warn here...if it's not too late.

Jenn Thorson said...

Melinda- Can you imagine seeing that on the road? Our signs just read things like, "Watch out for aggressive drivers."

Me-Me King- Oh no! Good luck getting in touch with her. Tell her not to investigate any strange noises outside!

Marvel Goose said...

Zombieland will be the name of Woody Harrelson's new Zomedy movie. It will be about a mismatched couple at the apocalypse. They will be shooting the amusement park scenes about 13 unlucky miles from this keyboard at Wild Adventures Theme Park off I-75 just a few miles north of the FL line.

Sorry, Jenn, they have already held the casting call for zombie extras. I thought you would be interested in the notes for extras:

Our Zombies are ferocious, infected people that move erratically. They are diseased, as opposed to undead. These are not the lumbering walking dead of Romero’s zombie movies, but instead the super jacked up 28 Days Later / Dawn of the Dead (2004) zombies. They are scary and gnarly and gross.”

for more:
Go to Variety Dot Com

Jenn Thorson said...

Marvel- Hey, thanks for the heads-up. I'm sorry to have missed my zombie extra casting opportunity, but them's the breaks.

"Scary and gnarly and gross...", eh? As opposed to what? The tidy zombies who clean up after themselves and smell like fresh flowers? :) Heh.

I think I am more scared to think of Woody Harrelson being the leading man here.

Chat Blanc said...

I think you've just invented the official uniform of Zombie Camouflage & Supplies, Inc., Ltd.! Package that look, put it on cable with an infomercial and you could give ShamWow a run for their money! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Chat Blanc- It's possible it might just catch on. I will have to think on that infomercial approach. You might just have something there.

ReformingGeek said...

I think the hackers were probably confused by that other south Texas accumulation of lifeless people (aka religious cult where 12-years give birth).

Great pictures. The one you did truly looks like a zombie. The other looks like you've had a rough night.

;-)

Jaffer the Undead said...

ReformingGeek: If you look at it that way, I have to agree. It looks like Jenn was involved in a fist fight !

I was trying to edit very sparingly and there was time constraints.

:)

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- Then I guess that old phrase is right-- sometimes a picture IS really worth a thousand words! :)

I had a big ol' sinus headache that morning.

It's as close to zombiefication as it's possible to come without actually being undead. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Oh, I thought she meant the one YOU did looked fine, and the one I did looked like I was just in pain or hung over a bit. :)

Jack Payne said...

A well-developed groan, shuffle, and drool should do it, with a convincing vacant look being the frosting on the cake. You could dress this up a bit by applying the Alfred E. Neumann "What, Me Worry?" look.

Vic said...

" Also, by drooling a bit, walking slowly, and looking vacant..."

So what you're saying is I've been a zombie all this time and no one told me? (If this is the criteria, they may have to make me Zombie Queen)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jack- Wow, it sounds just like me on a Friday afternoon at around 4:30...

Wait! It IS a Friday afternoon around 4:30! How 'bout that? :) Thanks for popping by, Jack-- hope you're doing well.

Vic- I don't think they have rulership, they're more of a self-regulated kind of mass.

Vic said...

Jenn,
I enjoy your blog a lot - you are so funny!

I gave you an award - come by and get it?
Have a great weekend!

Leaded Coffee said...

Leaded Coffee here, love your zombie posts. Just started putting together a blog of my own regarding zombie survival and other things. I look forward to more!

Take care and remember,
Shoot them in the head!

Leaded Coffee
http://leadedcoffee.blogspot.com/

Tony Single said...

The zombification of society? Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Just get the shambolic shuffle and glazed over gaze right, and you'll fit right in! :p

Jenn Thorson said...

Vic- Aw, thank you! You're so nice.

Lead Coffee- Yes, indeed, I will! Words of wisdom for any zombie occasion. :) Best of luck with your zombie survival blog! It's good you're getting the word out.

Tony- Yes, the zombification of society can be very subtle. It might just look like the weekly grind. :)

dizzblnd said...

I really think you have a fighting chance now! No way will the Zombies mistake you for a mere mortal. I am glad I am not the only one taking the Zombie Apocalypse seriously.

You gotta love the sense of humor of the "hackers" My guess though it was done by a bored worker who knows how to use the machine

Jenn Thorson said...

DizzBlnd- That one of the workers tweaked the signs was something that crossed my mind, too! Either way, very funny.

I wonder if anyone got genuinely worried about zombie infiltration because of it...

Hindleyite said...

I knew they were real! I see em every weekend at 11PM down the high street.

Jenn Thorson said...

Hindleyite- Oh, I bet. I think Tom Petty wrote a song about it once. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

I totally believe in the Zombie Apocalypse and have room in my Zombie Shelter for a few more people.

I am SO jealous that you live near THE MALL!!! That is one of my favorite movies.

As for the final zombified picture: maybe the hair s/b stringier. And your eyes don't quite look glazed enough. Otherwise: perfecto!

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Heh, I should have known you'd be on board with the zombie apocalypse theory. :) Jaffer is a whiz with the photoshopping. I never imagined I could look even paler than I normally do-- but he managed it.

Unemployed Asshole said...

So awesome to have another general humor blogger who slants hard towards The Burgh.

I immediately though all of the same things as you when I saw this... And I'm a proud owner of a "Zombie Capital of the World" bumper sticker :-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Unemployed- Hey, you know, that's pretty cool-- I didn't realize the Burgh could actually be the Zombie Capital...

Geez, now I REALLY need to get my zombie defense plan going.

Unemployed Asshole said...

There was an article in the onion a while back... let me look for it.

Unemployed Asshole said...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41676

Check it out :-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Unemployed- And so true, too-- we are at a topographical disadvantage. I mean, if the tunnels are bad just at general rush hour, how would it be during a Zombie Outbreak?

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Jaffer! ....... YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a mad skills picture :-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Speedy- Yup, it's pretty fierce, isn't it? Jaffer's so good with these things.

zobop republic said...

Zombies really do exist...there called Oprah fans!

Jenn Thorson said...

Zobop- The only difference being, I don't think Oprah fans eat brains. :)

Anonymous said...

The Zombie Museum is now closed. Website still up and running that says tey're open. I drove to Monroeville for NOTHING!