12: The Cabbages Version of TV's 24


I'd gotten hooked on Fox's 24 via Netflix, that supreme video rental service that means the only time you actually have to get out of your comfy chair is to grab the next glorious red movie envelope from the mailslot.

Also, maybe, to pee. But mostly, just to pop a new film in.

I negate the whole restroom usage, see, as a part of the theme I'm working up to. We all know that Jack Bauer of 24 never has to use the facilities. Ever.

We live almost every minute of his day with him and this man never sleeps, grabs a bit of take-out, and never takes five and goes to the restroom. Not only does he heal from extreme torture from a Chinese prison within less than half an episode, but he must have steel kidneys and a concrete bladder. He should be studied. With these sort of regenerative powers, he could probably apply for a spot in the X-Men, or on Heroes...

Y'know, if the whole government agent gig falls through.

Anyway, I was wondering just how the day of an average person-- say, mine-- would go, if we applied the overall principles of 24. We'll call it 12, since it's probably going to be a pretty short-running series.

  • 5:30 am- Alarm goes off. Intrepid marketing agent, Jenn Flauer, slips silently into the kitchen and discovers-- gasp!-- the coffeemaker automatic perk button wasn't turned on!! Time is of the essence. Uses elaborate system of pullies and counterweights to push On button. Dramatic music plays as coffee perks.
  • 5:45 am: As coffee is consumed, Jenn Flauer frowns at computer screen and taps computer keys. What is this? Humorbloggers.com is not accepting user login! Could it be anti-humor terrorists have infiltrated the sanctity of Humorbloggers' walls, raging a war against the humor cabal using the Humorbloggers' own secret weapons (whoopie cushions and rubber chickens)?
  • 5:50 am: Oopy, no. Heh, heh. My bad. Just had a typo in the login.
  • 6:00 am: More frowning and typing, critical for all super-secret marketing agent endeavors. Also, answering blog comments. "Thank... you... for... stopping.... by..." Could that contain a secret coded message? Viewers are unsure.
  • 6:10 am: Program goes entirely on hold for bathroom break as coffee kicks in. Plays exciting adventurous music in a loop.
  • 6:15 am: Back at the computer, more frowning and typing.
  • 6:20 am: Agent Jenn Flauer heads into the shower. As water is running, she believes she hears a strange sound coming from somewhere else in the house. Could it be the forces of Evil set upon destroying the Marketing Agent Way of Life and All That Is Peachy? Grabs towel and metal cherub lamp as weapon...
  • 6:30 am: Source of noise is furnace which was acting wonky before, but more so now that it has a cherub lamp rammed through it. Jenn Flauer picks up cell phone with urgency, "Hello, Heating Guys? Got a hot situation for you to take care of, ASAP! How soon can you get here?... Three weeks from now?... Perfect! Keep me posted."
  • 7:00 am: Showered and dressed in super-cool agent clothing and slimming backpack filled with grappling hooks and, um, pens.
  • 7:15 am: Speeding through commuter traffic, cursing at pedestrians dressed in black in pitch darkness determined to jaywalk across four-lane highways. Perhaps they are intentional obstacles put in place to track Jenn Flauer's ETA at the super-secret Marketing Agent offices?
  • 7:20 am: Jaywalker identified as hospital worker for local health care center. After significant eye-gouging and truth serum injections to obtain information, subject confesses she just thought it would be quicker to cut across the street away from the crosswalks.
  • 7:30 am: Jenn Bauer sweeps into Super Secret Marketing headquarters and starts frowning and typing at computer.
  • 8:30 am: Frowning and typing.
  • 9:30 am: Frowning and typing.
  • 10:30 am: Intermission music for restroom break
  • 10:40 am: Frowning and typing.
  • 11:30 am: Crisis! Should lunch be chicken noodle soup or chicken and dumplings soup? The fate of today's whole caloric intake rests in the balance!
  • 11:45 am: Decision processes requires two meetinga and three phone calls. Cheeseburger and fries consumed from local diner helps avert crisis at the last minute.
  • 12:30 pm: Frowning and typing.
  • 4:00 pm: Frowning and typing interrupted due to super-secret marketing emergency. Web content document comes in from client needing to be revised by close of business. One hour to go! There are typos, no formatting, and an excessive use of the word "innovative." What to do?
  • 4:05 pm: Action-oriented music plays in loop as bathroom break needed to cope with crisis.
  • 4:10 pm: Program resumes with frantic search for key to revision problem. Jenn Flauer turns to her trusty marketing assistant Joey.
Flauer: "The only thing that can save this project now is a thesaurus. I hear there's someone named Roget who might be able to help. Find Roget now."

Joey: "But I think he died in the early 20th century!"

Flauer: "Don't argue with me, Joey, just do it! And keep me posted."

  • 4:30 pm: Joey does an exhaustive search of the internet and discovers that while dead personally, a copy of Roget's thesaurus has been tracked down online. It only needs a super-secret user registration. Joey frowns and types, working to hack into the program. In seconds, Joey announces, "We're in!"
  • 4:35 pm: Jenn Flauer uses her extreme knowledge of technology to instantly understand the online software and find appropriate synonyms for "innovative." The words start pouring across the screen: "Inventive... ground-breaking... pioneering... original... new... novel.... modern... leading-edge." Jenn Flauer frowns at them and types them into at appropriate intervals throughout the client document.
  • 4:45 pm: The document is taking forever to save. It seems to be corrupted! Frowning. Typing. Will the document be sent to the client in time? "Joey, I need you!"
  • 4:50 pm: Joey hits the computer and does a "Save As." The document saves perfectly with a new name. Jenn Flauer is incredibly grateful. "Good job, Joey. I couldn't have done it without you." Frowning and typing sends the email with updated document off to the client just in time.
  • 5:00 pm: As darkness sets in, Jenn Flauer is commuting home. More jaywalkers step in front of Jenn Flauer's car. The audience knows, just because the previous violators were innocent of malintent doesn't mean these new ones aren't. Pull them aside for questioning, hanging them by handcuffs and giving them electric shocks in the local Panera.
  • 5:15 pm: Torture session reveals that not only are they innocent of plotting against the Marketing Agent but they are the long lost step-brother of Agent Flauer. Pick up dinner from Panera, to maximize time.
  • 5:30 pm: End credits.

Sooo.... think it has a future? :)
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26 comments:

Ken Armstrong said...

Enthralling. A definite boxset! You need a few more 'Dammits' in there though.

You get up to pee? Posh! :)

ReformingGeek said...

Love it! Great characters. You simply must include a cardio work-out to maintain the "lean and mean" body that allows Jack/Jenn to do all these things.

I've got this week's 24 on the DVR, maybe tonight we can start watching them.

Tiggy said...

I like ti! There just isn't enough frowning and typing on TV these days.

Jenn Thorson said...

Ken- Quite right! Based on your helpful commentary, the writers agree to add more "dammits" to the dialog directly following the season pilot. Perhaps a ratio of 5 "dammits" to 7 "keep me posteds" will suffice.

ReformingGeek- Well, considering most of what Jenn Flauer does (in between occasional torture sessions) is type and frown, it might be better to have a video of exercises to reduce frown lines.

Tiggy- Depends on the film, of course-- I believe 24 is currently at about a 15% Type and Frown, depending on how much hacking is done. I'd like to expand TVs boundaries and have up to 75% Type and Frown!

freetheunicorns said...

Brilliant parody. When does season 2 start?

In an effort to not get beaten with a cherub lamp, I'll be Stumbling this.

Jenn Thorson said...

Free the Unicorns- Not only am I grateful, but I admire your clever self-preservation-- Cherub lamps pack a wallop. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

HA! This was awesome. I, too, love Netflix, and "24" is near the top of my queue. I've never seen an episode, but now I feel like I know what to expect.

JD at I Do Things

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- I hope you enjoy 24 when you get it. Warning- his daughter is sort of annoying. That part wasn't a part of "12"

Da Old Man said...

Excellent. I'll be tuning in. And I like that it's only 12 because, well, we all have stuff to do.

But you do need a "boss" character, and the obligatory "Takes one for the team" person.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- You're so right, I do. My work tends to be a bit isolationist (hence the frowning and typing), so I don't really SEE my coworkers much. Perhaps in follow-up episodes. :)

Aoi said...

Excellent series, and "12" is conveniently the number of signs in the Zodiac, the number of hours as counted by the ancient Romans, Chinese, and Japanese, not to mention easier to type. If you need a bunker for a set, consider mine.

Jenn Thorson said...

Aoi- So, really "12"" would have a nice universality to it-- excellent! I will certainly take your bunker into account when the film crews are looking for locations. :)

Tony Single said...

Maybe you should have a series called 12 Up where we get updates on your life every 12 days or so... could be fab! :p

Jenn Thorson said...

Tony- Heh, thing is, every twelve days it would just look like a rerun of the season premiere. :) There's always a lot of frowning and typing. Although, I guess, some days there's ad placemements and panic, so that could ad some variety.

Jay said...

Hmmm ... another with steel kidneys, methinks. You woke at 5.30am, but didn't pee until five hours later??? Most of us roll straight out of bed and stagger into the bathroom ASAP! ROFL!

And did you sleep in your make up, or don't you wear any?

Hahaha! Gotcha!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay-- you missed 6:10am! A critical point in the morning routine.

I have to wear makeup-- I am so pale I will otherwise have no facial features readily discernible. :)

I guess I'd have to place that between the 7:00am and 7:10am point of the morning, but I have a lot of male readers who would glaze over if I included that. :)

the human said...

needs more torture to be realistic, or is that scheduled for the second 12-hour installment, the overnight one? heh heh wooo!

Jenn Thorson said...

TheHuman- Heh, yes, possibly so, though I find it fairly exhausting and must limit it to just two torture sessions of jaywalkers per day. :) Otherwise, things just get to stressful-- you can imagine how that is.

Unfortunate Names said...

i love it! I could hear Jack's voice as i read it!

Melanie said...

I love it. Especially the only 12 part cuz you know, I've got places to go and men,oh I mean, things to do.

Marvel Goose said...

Will it last more than a season? I dunno, depends on how fetching you look in a towel.

dizzblnd said...

Absolutely it has a future! I can hear the Plink Plink Plink of the clock when i read each entry


I lost interest in 24 after the first 2 seasons.. to me it was SSDD

Cassy Single said...

Hi Jenn,

Wow so enthralling! I am a 24 fanatic Jack Bauer rules! Mmmm yes I think more frowning and typing are needed there just isn't enough of them. I work in a call centre so I've got the headset. Add into Cassy's day an array of all types of customers, orders that won't submit and the ever present urgent orders that need to be in by close of business that day - the clock is ticking. Unfortunately I don't get to torture and interrogate, sad ain't it? But I have pressed the button to turn off the phone queue.

Cassy Single said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn Thorson said...

Unfortunate- You know, I have always wanted to say, "Just do it, and keep me posted!"

Melanie- Of course! I mean, we all have tighter schedules these days. Who has time for a full 24 hours? Plus, with writer's and actor's strikes continually looming... This reduces risk.

Marvel- Oh, no- the series might just be doomed before it began! :)

Dzzblnd- It did get kind of goofy at season three- that is when I just wanted to lose his daughter Kim, bigtime. I mean, how much trouble can one girl get herself into?

Cassy- I hear you. You are in the perfect profession to be on "12"-- would you consider guesting sometime if the series takes off? :) I mean, you have your own headset and everything-- that will also save us money on equipment.

Cassy Single said...

Hi Jenn,

I would so love to guest on 12. I could be the new person sent from head office whose task is much frowning and typing. Then I could get to go out in the field and taser people. Could I even get to go dark?