Fans of the absurd... the surprising... the "what the holy heck fer cryin' out loud is that about?"... would do well to take note of the recent wave of commercials hitting television this new year.
It's a Wonderland of Weirdness for one low price!... (Plus enough shipping and handling charges to pay for college tuition.)
Let's start with my personal favorite: the Heat Surge Fireplace, specially hand-crafted by our good neighbors, the trustworthy Amish...
The Heat Surge electric fireplace.
Amish...
Electric....
Hm.
But look!-- beautiful Amish-built frames in your choice of wood tones, surrounding a gorgeous, cost-efficient, warming electric fire!
"How do the Amish do it?" the commercial asks us excitedly. "They're not telling!"
Well, of course they're not telling... What with the main selling point of the Amish lifestyle being that whole "no technology, no electricity" sort of thing.
Either, we've got some unique sect of Rogue Amish out there-- driving around in shiny Porsches, enjoying their flatscreen TVs and learning the electronics trade in between barn-raisings...
Or...
They're in charge of fireplace wooden frame-making and have absolutely nothing to do with the assembly of the Heat Surge. Assembly, I might add, going on in the background of this rather startling commercial.
I can just see it now: "Do you want us to put something in this box?" asks Jacob Farmer, Amish Fine Craftsman, brushing off the sawdust from his latest creation. "We can do you up some nice drawers for it? Or a good place to store your potatoes?"
"No, no. Just the frame is fine. Here's your $3."
But as the commercial continued, I was educated with one more surprising fact about this tried-and-true society-- the unexpected racial diversity that seems to have crept into Amish culture!
"Is that Amish Craftsman... black?"
Well, I became distracted from that puzzlement, because the Heat Surge commercial was followed quickly by an ad for "the Snuggie." It's the latest innovation in Personal Warmth Technology!
Okay, it's a blanket with arms... Or a long, fleecy hospital gown, depending on how you think of it... Or, well, something nice to wear to your next Druidic Henge Raising.
Yes, for those nights where you're up reading with your bare arms out over the covers-- there's no need to deal with the slipping and sliding of willful traditional blankets. Now there's a solution for that evening chill. Just slip your arms through the arms of the Snuggie, and say goodbye to the cold of Old Man Winter!
Or just wear something with sleeves to bed.
I also noticed Vince of ShamWow! fame seems to have turned from his ShamWow! roots and is now advertising for something called "SlapChop." Fans of Vince can rest-assured he is still using his patented line, "Now, we can't do this all day," to show us the urgency of ordering a product that will be run 50 times a day on stations across the country for the next six months.
But he seems a quieter, calmer Vince somehow. Less like squinky-eyed Dick Tracy character, and more the reassuring purveyor of Minced Veg Necessity.
I feel he's hiding a secret sorrow.
Perhaps on the heels of a painful break-up with "Flo," the perky Progressive Insurance sales girl, Vince has had to rethink his life. Is hocking super-absorbent shammy cloths made in Germany enough, without someone to soak up those spills with?
Is there any point to dicing your own salsa if there's no one to share the tortilla chips?
What if no one out there will ever really "love his nuts"?
Yes, Flo is off on a tropical vacation with the Dyson Vacuum spokesman. One of those whirlwind romances she insists won't lose suction, but we all know it will eventually.
While Vince-- alas, poor Vince!-- he must use the ShamWows! to soak up his copious tears. It's lucky they're so gosh-darned absorbent. (sniff!)
Hang in there, Vince. We're pullin' for ya!
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35 comments:
Flo and Vince. OMG here I am dying! That was funny! I love it.
We have to find him a new love to take his mind off of her and her big, tricked out... nametag.
I don't watch enough TV to know who that lady should be -- maybe Vince can find a Jones for an older woman! She doesn't want him to do it all day, but daily would be fine.
We're at Wednesday and this is my best post of the week.
Marvel- Hm, Erin from E-Surance is cute, but a bit two-dimensional... Also, a second gal in the insurance industry, well... might be too many memories of Flo.
Maybe the other readers'll be able to offer some suggestions on a new potential love interest for our Vince!
Guys?
What is it about Vince from ShamWow? He's making appearance on my blog tomorrow (sort of).
Do you reckon those Snuggies are made from giant ShamWows? You could spill your coffee over it, mop up sweat, and never have to get up to visit the bathroom again!
Tiggy- Ah, Vince has become universal...
Also when I first saw him he sorta scared the crap out of me.
Your Snuggie = giant ShamWow theory does have merit. I can't wait to see how you plan to include Vince tomorrow!
If we didn't have those commercials, we would have a lot less to laugh at. I love the "Amish Electric" heater. Hubby and I are tearing out our fireplace so we can replace it with one of those.
NOT!
Reforming Geek- What, you mean you don't want to support your local Amish?
Or, at the very least, your local actor's guild hired to portray your local Amish in a life-like, realistic, simulated craftsmanship situation?
Every time I see one of those Snuggie commercials, I think of two things: first, at 2 for $20 and with the free reading lamp, they must be of the highest quality, and second, when showing those dorks at a football game, once folks realize they aren't from the local monastery, how soon until they get pelted with peanuts and have beer dumped on them?
With Vince so heartbroken over his loss of Flo, I just hope he doesn't fall for the charms of those "Cash for Gold" babes. They aren't that smart, and would hold a go getter like Vince back. I mean, they had no idea their gold was valuable.
Vince needs a woman who appreciates the value of a dollar. Those cash for gold types are the ones spending 20 bucks a month for paper towels, anyway.
I've been seeing the Amish ads for a while now. Mostly in print media.
I could suspect that there may be a Mennonite or two who may be pinch-hitting for the Amish. Or some of the representatives are on their version of getting to be out in the world before deciding to be totally Amish (quite a few roofing and construction companies get the young Amish to work for them, and it seems to work out). Or it's just a standard evil marketing ploy.
Good post. I can totally see Flo with Mr. ShamWow.
lmaooooo! I've not yet caught the Heat Surge infomercial: I've only seen the 2-pg print ad in Parade magazine (I know, I know... Parade magazine!), you know, the one that appears every month, that says they'll GIVE you TWO if you call at the designated hour. I never did think about the incongruity of it being an electric product tho! Shame on me :p
Da Old Man- Heh, yes, I was rather wondering just how high-quality they were myself. I can tell you that unless they came in black and gold, Steelers fans would probably not be tolerating this Snuggie Spectators group, taking up so much space.
We'll keep an eye out for those Cash for Gold ladies and make sure they don't start to take advantage of poor Vince in his moment of weakness.
R.J.- I might agree they could be Mennonite-- at least in the ad I saw, they were way too old to be teenagers out in the big world.
Lynne- I'll have to look at my Parade this Sunday and see if we have the ad. At least chuckles will be had by all.
The Snuggie is my favorite, one the all time most ridiculous products ever. But you know there are people buying them...
John- Not only that, but you know next year, they'll be giving the Snuggie to relatives as Christmas gifts! Like the Chia Head.
The Snuggle makes me nervous! Everytime that I see those little kids hanging over the campfire and Mom and Dad are just smiling away as the sleeves of the Snuggle are practically hanging in the flames.
My son went to a late season Illini game and said that everyone in the audience had one on, but him. He is so deprived! ): Maybe next year, David!
Andrea- You mean there is now PEER PRESSURE to have the Snuggie? Oh no! And a valid point about sleeve safety issues-- Be careful out there folks!
If it weren't for that nasty case of squint-eye Vince has, I'd introduce him to my twice-divorced kitchen-impaired therapist, and they could have a lovely life together. The squint thing though, it's just too nasty. I know what it is! He looks like a reformed Joker from the comic book batman...OMG! I'd wondered what happened to the original Joker when Heath played such a scary one! Maybe we just need to get Vince some make-up and he'll feel better?
aaand welcome to reason #512 Why The Rambler and Shieldmaiden do not watch the televisions.
Karen- Nice of you to consider potential dates for Vince like that. Perhaps your therapist could get beyond the squint. Of course, now you have me curious what Vince would look like in Joker makeup. I think I would be eskerrded!
Shieldmaiden- I enjoy a certain level of "Huh?" in my life. :)
Don't make fun of my Snuggie! I want one of those things! They are awesome!Aaawesome! Want it now!
Now...have you seen the OxyClean guy? You could totally have a field day with that guy. He's always screaming! Made my son cry one day when he was really young.
The Oxyclean guy has moved on to another product and he's just as ....intense but at least he isn't scooping his hand into bubbles.
Now on to the Snuggie, when they show that older guy sitting in the burgundy snuggie doesn't he remind you of a character from Star Trek? I can't put my finger on which character it was but everytime I see it I feel like Spock or Kirk is being judged in court. LOL
Jonny's Mommy- Gosh, I think we'll have to take a collection to ensure you get your Snuggie! :)
The Oxyclean guy makes ME cry. Enough with the shouting already, mister-- we hear you!
Chyna- Oh yes, Billy Mays the OxyClean guy does tap lights and a ton of other non Oxy stuff. I will have to pay attention to the Star Trek Snuggie scene. I only saw it the once and was laughing too hard to see these people SO excited about their blue blankies.
I sort of feel the same way about warm socks, myself. :)
Lmao your posts are extremely funny! I saw your blog at BlogCatalog and the title "of cabbages and kings" immediately swept over me in a wave of nostalgia, bringing back bizzare memories of Alice and Wonderland.
Keep up the brilliant work!
You're all too funny. Laughing so hard my tea came out my nose. I'm drinking hot tea, cuz you know I don't have a Snuggie, nor an Amish electric fire to keep me warm.
Good work Jenn, you've corralled all the most annoying ads on tv.
Julia- Thanks-- The name absolutely was a nod to Lewis Carroll. It just seemed the right thing to do.
Melanie- I'm sure there's also a product somewhere that will help you with those tea-filled sinuses. Maybe the Nasal ShamWow. :)
My friends and I were making fun of the ShamWow guy the other day when we realized he had moved on to hocking that chopper thing. I love that he still has that stupid microphone. What a douchesicle.
By the way, I want to grow an Amish beard now.
FreetheUnicorns- I admit I was really surprised to see him doing something other than Sham-Wow! I kind of thought he was a product-specific actor, and not a As Seen on TV product mercenary. :)
Good luck with that beard thing. Let us know how that ends up working for you. :)
Heat Surge is an established company with millions of satisfied customers whose focus is to exceed customer expectations.
To accomplish this, along with other successful methods, we’ve set up a Web site to share the facts about our company at http://heatsurge.wordpress.com to address any questions or concerns you may have.
Chris Pugh
Heat Surge
Vince does these commercials because he lost an assload of money making an awful movie and losing a bunch of lawsuits.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vince_Offer
Renal Failure- This adds just an extra interesting layer to the whole thing, doesn't it? I also realize that's the name someone is now following me under, on Twitter. Should I be frightened? :)
good job. i'm going to gloat though, because i got an actual snarky comment from a member of the Amish Heat Surge customer service team!
http://blogfeelingz.blogspot.com/2008/11/universal-hd-channel-commercials.html
Jeremy- Ah, don't gloat so fast, my friend! If you look one or two commentors up, you will see that I too received that informative comment. Yup- that's the web, for ya!
Thanks for stopping by, and I enjoyed your post. I didn't know about a couple of the products you mentioned, but I'm sure I'll be running across them soon.
I laugh every time I see the Heatsurge commercial. They just ride the Amish thing through the whole commercial.
Ziggy- Indeed they do... It certainly gets the ol' attention, doesn't it? :) Thanks for visiting and sharing the chuckles!!
my electric fireplace it is lovely , i bought from http://www.dogmarket.co.uk and the delivery was really quik in the UK
hahaha I was going to post about these stupid Amish Fireplaces, and I googled images for it and up comes "cabbagesnkings.net!"
Haha you definitely beat me to the punch on this one, by over a year, and I have to admit it cracked me up so much that I'm not going to touch it.
This is one seriously funny post Jenn!
Mr. Condescending- Ha-- that's hilarious it came up through Google images like that. Thanks for letting me know! Every now and then I'll do a search for something unrelated and I run into a blog I know from elsewhere.
Good fun.
And those initial fireplace commercials really were just BEGGING for humor posts, weren't they? :)
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