What's Your Grocery Shopping Style?

The supermarket-- the microcosm of today's humanity!

Step inside its walls and you discover a strange place of wonder and Wonderbread... Of Press-n-Seal and personality... Of power strips and power trips!

The more we examine the techniques of our fellow shoppers, the more we discover that we are all, perhaps, not quite as unique as we may think. So look below and you may recognize some of these most common Grocery Shopping styles from your own supermarket adventures.

Or-- you just might discover that you yourself are one of the Grocery Shopping Personalities listed below!

• The Speed Demon- Busy and loathing actual interactivity with other humans, this shopper can go from 0 to 60 in two seconds from the store entrance. This shopper knows what he/she wants, where it is, and the grocery store serves as one giant obstacle course before the checkered flag goes down and they race over the Finish Line. The Speed Demon is that blur the other shoppers see, and that gust of wind that blows the produce bags and makes the scales teeter. The Speed Demon is an irritation to members of some of the other shopper categories below, who deem it bad etiquette to cause sonic booms around the egg cartons.

• The Social Butterfly- From the moment this person steps through the automatic doors, it becomes a two-hour episode of "This Is Your Life." Yes, everyone they've ever met seems to already be there, waiting to greet them-- so it becomes less a case of grocery shopping, and more like a class reunion. Why, Social Butterflies don't even have time to squeeze the tomatoes before someone is calling their name and causing them to forget all about Jersey Homegrowns. Hugs and kisses ensue. First grade teachers, old neighbors, aunties, plumbers and college sweetheart's cousin's former roommates can be found within the aisles to prompt a nice sprawling catch-up session. But be warned-- don't get tangled up in their elaborate tapestry of reminiscence and askew shopping carts-- you may never make it out of the store yourself!

• The Codependent Caller- This person has been sent to the grocery store by another friend or family member, and has absolutely no idea why he's/she's there. This shopping type is unable to take two steps down any aisle without grabbing their trusty cell phone and ringing for support. You can recognize them by the philosophical questions they ask. "No Pulp? Some Pulp? Or Xtreme Pulp?" So absorbed are Codependent Callers in getting the precise item they'd been sent for, they generate an actual Force Field Bubble which blocks out all outside stimulus but the groceries and the person on the other end of the line. But beware, Codependent Callers come out in full-force during the Christmas holiday season. Encounter one of these well-meaning souls along with a Social Butterfly, and expect serious traffic jams in frozen foods. The bubble will prevent them from ever hearing you say, "Excuse me..."
  

• The Zen Shopper- This person is at One with the Universe and therefore has no special agenda, or plans for their day-- ever. This means if they need to examine every single carrot in that bag of baby carrots, or weigh the yin-yang benefits of soup contents, they can do it. They might want some fruit, or a birthday cake, or corned beef hash, or lightbulbs, but they really aren't sure-- they figure they'll know it when they see it. They love life, have all the time in the world, and view grocery shopping as just another calm, fascinating, fancy-free moment in this beautiful world. The trouble with Zen shoppers is, because the universe knows no bounds to them, they also tend to spread out. The Zen shopper is most likely to determine the ideal time to remove all outerwear... is in the door way. Watch out for unexpectedly outstretched arms in mid-coat-removal.
  

• The Survivalist- This person treats grocery shopping as an extension of a nuclear bomb training drill. At the first sign of snow, the year 2000 problem or strained relations with Russia, this person heads to the grocery store to stock up on everything from toilet paper, bread and milk to batteries, generators and tinfoil. You can recognize them because they're the ones dragging two shopping carts filled to the rim with canned goods and other items with no real expiration date. While they can be found frequenting bulk purchase stores like Sam's Club, they occasionally hit regular supermarkets for variety, as well as for rolls of toilet paper smaller than grain silos.
  

• The Minimalist- In contrast to the Survivalist, the Minimalist only picks up the very things that will be used for that day-- and this almost always involves fresh vegetables and something of the soy and or goat-by-product family. If asked, they will explain to you how much better it is to have everything fresh every day, and will be happy to share with you recipes for healthy eating. They will come away with one small canvas reusable grocery bag of items-- yet still somehow spend about as much money as the Survivalist.

• The Shepherd- Unable to find a sitter for the children, the Old Woman Who Lives in the Shoe is forced to strap them all in the mini-van and heads to the store. Tired and trying desperately to tune out their cries long enough to find the right coupon in her Advanced Portable Coupon Distribution System, she finds herself spending 80% of her time trying to round up the anklebiters. Eventually, she is forced to abandon her endeavor with a proclamation: "Okay, that's it! Forget it! Everyone, stop what you're doing and headto the mini-van. We're all going back to the shoe!"
  

• The Invisible Man- You never actually see him because his groceries... are delivered. He pays more to avoid every one of the groups above-- and he laughs... laughs... OH how he laughs!

What kind of grocery shopper are you? Or is there a shopper type missing from this list you'd like to include? Go ahead and share it!

Me, mostly I am the Speed Demon, though I have had my Zen Shopping moments on days off.

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