The SouthernMost Bigfoot in the U.S.A.

Loch Ness has Nessie... The New Jersey Pine Barrens has the Jersey Devil... And the Florida Everglades has... the Skunk Ape.

I can't believe that all these years I've been going down there to visit my dad, I've been spending my time getting some sun, stuffing myself at seafood buffets and being hit in the head with parrots. And I could have been slogging through the swamp looking for signs of a missing link between humans and apes.

How did I miss this shining opportunity for scientific investigation... mystery...and guys dressed up in gorilla suits?

Oh, wait, that's just a Scooby-doo episode... But still. I feel I've been really lax here.

According to FloridaSkunkApe.com (yes, all the cool, hip, with-it monsters have web sites these days), the Skunk Ape got his name due to the horrible stench he exudes when you stand downwind of him.

And, heck, who can't sympathize with that? The thing's supposedly covered entirely with hair, in a sweaty, tropical climate with no AC... He can't just pop in to the local CircleK convenience store for a stick of RightGuard, can he?

I can see that discussion now:

SkunkApe: Rowr!
(translation: "Hi, my name is George. I'm looking for your personal care section.")

CircleK Cashier: Oh, for Pete's sake, this is the THIRD time this week!

SkunkApe: Rowr?
(translation: "I'm afraid we may have miscommunicated in some way. I had asked for your personal care section, and this is the first time I've been to your beautifully-appointed store of convenience.")

CircleK Cashier: I know, I know, I've heard it all a million times-- you've got a loaded weapon and you're not afraid to use it.

SkunkApe: Row--rr.
(Translation: "This fellow needs to work on his listening skills.")

CircleK Cashier: Look, I'm fed up with this. Just take the money. Here, just take it! I don't care any more. This is a crummy job anyway, and I've only got 47 bucks in cash. Take it. And don't come back!

SkunkApe turning money over curiously in his hands: "Rowr!"
(translation: "Excellent! I will eat this later along with the leftover hamburgers I get from the Gator Gulch Saloon dumpster. Thanks, pal!"

CircleK Cashier, to the SkunkApe's back: And dude, costume's clever enough, but take a bath! You reek, man!

So I think if folks are really looking to catch the SkunkApe, what they need to do is strew Bath & Bodyworks gift baskets all around the swamp, in the SkunkApe's typical turf. Then set up video cameras. It's an invasion of privacy, sure-- but while the SkunkApe is standing there hydrating and ex-foliating, the cameras will get all the proof they've been looking for.

Mystery solved!

PS- Because this tickled me so much, I thought you guys might also enjoy checking out some news footage on swamp guide David Shealey and his dogged pursuit of the SwampApe.

Favorite quote:

"It baffles me when people say, 'It looks like a man in a monkey suit.' And I say, 'Well, that's what one looks like, and I'm sorry if people don't believe it. That's just too bad, that's the way it is!'"
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9 comments:

Da Old Man said...

Brilliant idea-- allowing the skunk ape a chance to freshen up. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

DaOldMan- It's only fair. Monsters need to feel pretty, too. :)

Greg said...

You know, considering the Florida heat, the stench may be a big factor in supporting the "guy in an ape suit" theory. Although certainly, he might just reek all on his own, too.

Barry said...

Haha! Good one Jenn :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- I understand reeking is a part of the Bigfoot tradition. Large feet large stench? I dunno.

Barry- Hey thanks- and thanks for stoppin'. :)

Alice said...

Yeah - you definitely need to check this out. This is just a blog post waiting to be written. Amost better than a pit stop at South of the Border.

Jenn Thorson said...

Alice- Absolutely-- a surreptitious tour of the Everglades on a fanboat... a hand-held video camera... I'll be all set. :)

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

Do you think Skunk Ape is single? I mean, if he's going to be freshening up, maybe he'll actually be date-able.

Jenn Thorson said...

Sandy- I dunno, but should my path cross with his, I can always ask him for you! If he is, I may even see if he has a friend for me. :)