How William Shatner Ruined Road Safety


In this day and age of $4.00 gas and emissions concerns, carpooling is good for the environment, AND the wallet. But, Friends of Cabbages, I urge you to think long and hard about choosing the right carpool companions. And this is why.

At my previous job, the office was roughly a 45 minute commute during weekday traffic, and one of the guys in my department-- we'll call him "The Knave"-- he lived not-so-far from me, and he didn't have a car. So rather than him taking two buses and spending three hours each day just getting to work, we carpooled. He paid for some of the gas.

Now the Knave, who I actually work with at my current job as well, is a good guy-- funny and self-aware. My friendship with him runs toward the similar-sense-of-humor-only-he-likes-to-test-me-occasionally dynamic. There's some Little Brother Instinct that bubbles up occasionally in him, and when his actual siblings are not available, it extends to ME. Most of the time, I'm prepared for this...

But sometimes I am poorly-caffeinated and driving.

Like the day he decided to introduce me to William Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

Were you aware William Shatner had a brief singing career?... If you can call the enthusiastic spoken word crescendos and dénouements of the former Captain James T. Kirk "singing"... yes, in fact, he did! You can enjoy one hysterical video example of his stylings by clicking here.

At the time, I was not aware of this. And while manning my Saturn one morning, I really didn't have a proper handle on what was about to ensue...

Meaning, I didn't slap the Knave's hands and fling the disk from his grasp when he started messing with my CD player.

Imagine: it's early morning. The sun is just creeping over the Western Pennsylvania Appalachians, a mist hanging heavy along the roadway and the coffee still steaming in the travel mug in the cup holder...

I am thinking about the work day ahead of me... copy to write, projects to wind up...

And then comes Mr. Shatner bursting from the audio system shouting at a million decibels, in iambic pentameter:

...The GIRL with ka-LEI-do-scope EYESSSSS!!!

And that's when I ran off the road.

So, if you plan to carpool, think about who you choose to ride with. Do not permit them access to your sound system, no matter how they beg, or how groggy you may be.

Most of all, just say "no" to all things Shatner while operating heavy machinery. It is for your safety, as well as the safety of your fellow drivers. Drive carefully-- and Shatner-free.

Thank you.

----------------------------------------------------
Picture yourself, in a boat, on a river, using your portable laptop to vote for this post over at Humor-blogs. :)

27 comments:

Anne said...

Oh gawd. I knew about this. Nobody - not even the producers of hellish elevator music, ruined a Beatles' tune like ol' Billy-Boy.

It makes my ears bleed just to think of it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Anne- Oh, it's truly remarkable... his "acting" out these songs. 'Mr. Tambourine Man" is another charmer. "HEY! Mr. Tambourine MAN!"... :)

Kathy at The Junk Drawer said...

I did, too. And I'm smart enough to not click those links because I know it will be in my head the rest of the day. In fact, the longer I stay on this here blog post, the more I'm at risk of doing it anyway. So I'm going to leave now, but I will "smiley" you at H-B.com and see if we can't get some other poor saps to click those links!

Jenn Thorson said...

Kathy- Thank you in advance for the H-B smiley-- this new system is going to take some getting used to, isn't it? I still don't think I have it set up properly!

Sorry about the Shatner earworm... Perhaps you can eradicate it with a favorite song. (Don't worry, I won't sing at you. :) )

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

Jenn--I've selected you as a blog award winner! Please stop by my site to learn more. Thanks! :)

Matt Gamble said...

Oh no you didn't!!!

Now I will admit Transformed Man is a ridiculous album, and Shatner's double album with Leonard Nimoy Spaced Out is about the campiest thing you will ever hear, but I will fight to my death to defend Shatner's latest opus Has Been.

Produced by Ben Folds, who plays on most of the songs, along with contributions from Joe Jackson, Aimee Mann, Henry Rollins, Brad Paisley, Lemon Jelly, Nick Hornby and who knows how many others Has Been is an outstanding album. His cover of Common People is quite possibly the best version of that song ever produced, and he has an incredible song devoted to his wife's suicide that is absolutely heartbreaking. The album is as raw and real as you are likely to find.

Don't believe me? Here's a link to his version of Common People with Joe Jackson and Ben Folds.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vRaLU6zXvB8&feature=related

Da Old Man said...

Friends don't let friends drive while listening to Shatner.
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds reminds me: I have a genuine painting by the Crotchety Old Lady's Cousin of Lucy, (Lucille Ball) in the Sky, with diamonds.
I hate her family.

Kathy at The Junk Drawer said...

Jenn -- For some reason I can't smiley you on this post. It's not showing up over there. I'm just getting used to the "New HB" too!

The Hypocritical One said...

Shatner doing "spoken word" is great...Shatner doing and impression of McCartney is ridiculous...and ear-piercing.

Jenn Thorson said...

Sandy- Oh, aren't you nice? Thank you... I will pop over to check it out.

Matt- I will have to check it out. I figure I am already at least BRACED for what might come, so it'll either be funny-bad, or actually good, and I'm not operating a several ton vehicle at the moment. So plusses all around.

DaOldMan- You'll have to post that painting on your blog sometime. I think your readers would enjoy it. :)

Kathy- Oh, thanks so much anyway, you're a sweetheart for trying. I have NO idea how to ping them-- the instructions they give don't work, the links they ask us to add don't work... I dunno. If I hadn't met some really cool folks from there, like Alice of HoneyPie, I would bag it.

HypocritcalOne- It's just not something you want snuck up on you. You need preparation and bracing for it to be appreciated... And possibly vodka. But preparation and bracing. :)

Alice said...

Have. No. Words.

Painful.

You should have Punch Bugged that guy in the boob.

Jenn Thorson said...

Alice- HA! Nice tie-in! Yes, it was actually your punch buggy story that reminded me of the Shatner Swerve Incident, as I like to think of it.

And you're right-- I should have.

chyna said...

You had be grinning at work again!!! Now I will have to come up with a cover story to explain my smiling face. this isn't exactly the happiest place on earth, they may grow suspicious.

thanks for the laughs. :)

ThriftShopRomantic said...

Chyna- Tell 'em you're just listening to the voices in your head. That'll learn 'em! :)

Maybe you'll even get some extra paid vacation time!

damon said...

Drive carefully- and Shatner free...

Words to live by.

Brent Diggs said...

Friends don't let friends.....

Da Old Man said...

Jenn, I may talk her into letting me post it, but I think she knows how much I dislike it. And bonus-- it's not just stupid and awful, it's huge.

I've managed to hide it behind some junk, so she may have forgotten about it. If I have her dig it out, she may hang it. :(

Drowsey Monkey said...

lmaooooooooooo The way you type it is exactly how he "sings" it. And I say "sings" in quotes for a reason!

ThriftShopRomantic said...

Damon and Brent- Absolutely agreed. :)

DaOldMan- Ohhhhh, we don't want paintings to resurface that shouldn't. You know, it might be a possible covert donation to the Museum of Bad Art in Boston... Are you familiar with them? :)

Drowsey- The sound is burned into my brain. When I die, it will undoubtedly be the last thing running through my head. :)

Bee said...

I bought a Shatner tape from a thrift store many years ago as a gag. It maked me laugh so hard I cried.
I think my hubs finally threw it out to save me from myself.

Rebecca said...

LOL...No wonder William Shatner's singing career was brief! That WAS scary!

Jay said...

I LOVED his rendition of Rocket Man! I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself - but I think you have to see him perform to truly appreciate his humour. I do love to see an icon send himself up. ROFL

Jenn Thorson said...

Bee- It might be an act of mercy on your husband's part. Having "Lucy" running through your head like that... the incessant giggling.... the inability to hear either the Beatles' version OR see the Starship Enterprise without breaking down... I can imagine it. :) I'm glad you're recovering. :)

Rebecca- Yes, indeedy-- terrifying, funny, awe-inspiring... And this was before he got truly humorous in his travel web site ads!

Jay- Ah, yes, the Rocket Man-- I think I had to block that out to preserve myself. :) Campy to the warp level!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

OMG, I totally have to get that Has Been album. I love Ben Folds.

And I am constantly debating about getting Shatner's recent book.

Jenn Thorson said...

NannyGoats- Ben Folds IS good. I don't know if Ben Folds is enough to make me not run off the road laughing, though.

Jessie said...

ahahahhaah
Im so sorry
shatner doesnt Realy sing..shatner....Performs
ive heard som e awful beatles covers..but dear lord.
Sadly,shatner was the first lucy song i heard*twitch*
but it has this novelty.
buti think a certain knave should be subjected to a morning of barry manilows greatest hits...

mr loser said...

Shatner's first album horrific; Has Been, his latest, excellent, if you're willing to give Bill a chance. Bumped into Shatner and his wife one morning at LAX; we were the only hungry travel zombies inside Wolfgang Puck's concourse rip-off-a-raunt. Wanted to Vulcan nerve pinch his shoulder and ask his wife is she really was Mrs. Denny Crane, but left him alone: he's 73 and deserves some peace and quiet.