Of Cabbages and Kings Official Questions You Never Actually Asked

You have questions.

Okay, well, maybe you don't...

But in honor of Cabbages' one year-- er-- sorry, five month-- anniversary, I thought I'd answer all the questions you don't have... or might have... or would have asked... if you didn't have a lot more important things to think about during the course of the day...

Like why we sniff milk we know is probably soured. And stuff like that.

So here goes.

Q: Who is that nameless cabbage up there in your header?
A: Why, that's no nameless cabbage-- that's "Old King Cole Slaw"! He's the Of Cabbages and Kings official mascot. And he prefers to be referred to as His Royal Cabbageness. (He's got a bit of a big head.)

Q: I've seen that cabbage mascot singing and driving a car, yet it has no hands, no feet, and is also a vegetable. How do you explain this?
A: The Department of Motor Vehicles does not discriminate when handing out drivers' licenses. If the driver is able to complete the proper tests, the driver is issued a license regardless of the number of appendages or its flora or fauna status. I can't believe you'd even ask such a thing! Really! The noive!

And as for questioning his musical abilities, doesn't he have a right to express himself in song? Plus, there are plenty of vegetables out there who sing and drive. Virtually any celebrity news story will confirm this.

Q: Where do you get your graphics?
A: Off the back of a truck, in an alley, in this dodgy part of town, right next to the Fake Designer Purse shop. But shhhhh, don't tell everyone, or it'll get really competitive...

Okay, no, actually, I make them myself in Microsoft Word using the program's shapes tools. This is because I am cheap-- er, creative, yes, creative!-- and the only royalty issues I want to have to deal with is that cheeky monarch cabbage up there.

Q: How much truth is really in your memoir posts?
A: Well, I take a soft nougaty center of verity, surround it with a thin outer layer of rich creamy fillers, add some gooey transition sentences to hold it all together, and drop in the nuts. A lot of nuts.

Q: What is the answer to the meaning of life?
A: You'll have to take this up with Douglas Adams. Unfortunately, he's deceased. So while he's possibly in a good position to know, that may not be abundantly helpful to you at present.

Also: 42.

Q: Are all those people you mention in your stories real?
A: Yes, but their names have been changed and their identities shrouded in mystery. That's unfortunately what happens when you become friends with a humor blogger. You don't want everybody knowing that you know one. The Witness Protection Program has been really helpful for them.

Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Are we really sinking so low as to ask a question as shallow as that?

Q: Well, yeah. Can't we?
A: 'Kay... green.

Q: If you were stuck on a deserted island...?
A: Hey, come on now. Don't you have anything more constructive to ask than cheap teeny-bopper-style interview questions?

Q: Hey, who's asking the questions here?
A: Well, a fictitious reader, really. Which is sorta what's starting to concern me.

Q: Do you talk to yourself often?
A: Yes, all the time. I grew up as an only child. I mean, if I didn't talk to me, who would? It's only if I ever start answering myself that I need to worr.... um.

Q: How have you been feeling lately?
A: Not so good, apparently...

Q: Lie back on the couch and tell me about your family...
A: Okay, I am outta here!

Q: Do you have a question for Of Cabbages and Kings?
A: Just share it in a comment below and we'll try our best to answer it. Or not. Sort of depends on how strong the meds are that they put us on.

Q: Why are we talking about ourselves in plural now?

Thank you.

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Alice said...

Going IMMEDIATELY to check out this Microsoft Word shapes tool. MS Paint's lack of options is starting to get to me.

Question for Queen Jenn: If you had to change the name of your blog, what would you change it to?

Jenn Thorson said...

Alice- It largely involves adding, grouping and shading colored shapes, and then bringing them to the front or back. Holler if you need assistance.

Regarding your question:

Ah, that's a tough one. I'd thought of a name the other day that was terrific!... perfect!... said everything I would have wanted to say and had me deeply regretting my not coming up with it sooner...

And and now I don't remember it anymore.

But here's a bit of Cabbages trivia-- initially the blog was going to be called Angela's Shark, because of an incident in a PG Wodehouse story.

But the URL turned up looking too much like "Angel Ass Hark" and I thought that might attract the wrong crowd. So it was kiboshed.

Thank you for your question!

Da Old Man said...

I have a very important question. When you used the answer "the noive" were you referencing Bugs Bunny or Curley from the 3 Stooges?
Also, I noticed that this entire blog is pretty much Stooge-free.
What's up with that?

Jenn Thorson said...

Joe- An excellent question! "The noive" was actually a reference to the Cowardly Lion in "The Wizard of Oz."

And the absence of Stooge is due to the painful memories of a tragic eye-gouge and nose-twist assault which occurred on the mean streets of Jersey which left me blind and bitter. I don't really like to talk about it.... (sniff)... I'm trying to move on.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

At the end of the entry you began to speak of/to/with yourself in plural--how many of you are there?

A fellow MPD'er

Jenn Thorson said...

Hi Sandy- Just the one. Well... maybe two. Okay, upwards of three, but probably no more than five. On Thursdays. Monday through Wednesday, though, it's up for grabs. :)

Drowsey Monkey said...

I'm still not sure what the title of your blog means ... lol. I'm low on caffeine today, help me out.

Da Old Man said...

So, when you say "we" in referencing yourself, do you mean the royal "we" or the Madonna "we," or the voices in your head "we."
This is just for clarification, in case any of your regular readers are ever brought in as character witneses.

By the way, I am truly sorry for any Stooge-related trauma you may have endured. These are more common in Jersey than most folks realize.

Barry said...

I have used some of the easy stuff like powerpoint and drawing in MS Word too. Hey nice interview - not quite riviting, but I stuck around through it all :P

ThriftShopRomantic said...

Drowsey- Heh, "drowsey" needs more coffee... that sounds right. :)

The title is from a line in Alice in Wonderland's "The Walrus and the Carpenter" poem, actually. The poem begins like this:

'The time has come,' the Walrus said
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings.'

I've always been fond of Alice in Wonderland, plus not only is the poem nonsense, but seems to span a nice wide array of topics.

I haven't spoken about winged pigs yet, but... there's time. :)

ThriftShopRomantic said...

DaOldMan- We're not precisely sure, but we believe it's somewhere between the three options. We don't expect it to continue as a regular feature though. We're thinking it's a fluke. :)

Barry- Well, the interviewer distinctly lacked insightful questions, but I'm glad to hear it wasn't all a wash! :) Glad to welcome a fellow Microsoft Word/Powerpoint shapes user. It's a good option when you need a specific illustration. :)

Drowsey Monkey said...

Ohhhh .. cool. I was never able to get through Alice in Wonderland ... it confused me. Surprising, I know.


Jenn Thorson said...

Drowsey- It was pretty complex, it's not just you.

What I like about the title is, some people know where it's from, some people don't, and it's weird enough that folks still remember it.

Can't ask for more than that! :)

Greg said...

Sooo....the split personalities thing has finally taken hold now, hasn't it now, old Two-Or-Three Blogs? The scariest part is the bit where you switch back and forth so quickly between We and I. You poor thing.

Can't wait to see what you have planned for the actual one year blog-o-versary.

ThriftShopRomantic said...

Greg- I'm getting better! Every day in every way, I'm getting better, and better. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

To Alice who asked the original question and to Whoever Cares-- This morning I remembered the potential blog titled I'd come up with that I probably would have used for this blog:

Molehills To Mountains

Seems to sum it up! :) But still, Cabbages has the cool cabbage mascot. I think I'd miss him.