How To Take a Vacation Without Really Actually


No time to take vacation this year? Me neither. But does it have to get us down? NO!

And that’s because I have pulled together some ideal (absolutely absurd)...

And sure-fire (wholly untested)...

...Alternate Vacation ideas that will have you feeling like you went to a five-star resort (okay, Motel 3 ½ by the Interstate)...

For three glorious, pampering weeks (no AC, but the bullet holes in the walls help get a bit of a cross-breeze)...

Disclaimer: The author of this blog is not responsible for the results you may or may not have in actually implementing anything discussed in this list, or in how your neighbors treat you after said ideas are employed. This blog also is not responsible for any bail costs or public citations incurred related to these helpful tips. Thank you.


Welcome to your Alter-Cation!:

  • Turn your house or apartment into a mini-putt-putt course, just like they have at the shore! Finally put that dusty exercise equipment to use as challenging holes of mini-golf. Transform it from treadmill to windmill, and savor the challenge of rolling that ball down a moving walkway at up to 50 mph! Need a sandtrap? Why, you might already have one in the house: your furry friend Mr. Meow won’t mind-- much. But beware of the water traps! You may just need to call Roto-rooter if you actually DO get a hole in one. Because once that ball gets wedged in, well, your average plunger just isn’t gonna do it. Your personal mini-golf course will make every day after a long day of work feel just a little bit more like a holiday.
  • Borrow photos from other people’s vacation trips and Photoshop yourself into them. Then make a Powerpoint presentation and run a new location each evening. Plant "souvenirs" around the room (purchased earlier at Pier One) to haggle for based on that night's theme. Make sure you charge yourself at least 500% more than you paid for the item. And don't forget to send yourself postcards to let you know how much you're enjoying yourself!
  • Host your own Mardi Gras parade. This requires some planning, but is very much worth the effort. Make papier mache figures of jesters, kings, queens and crocodiles and position them along your driveway, linked together on child’s wagons. You could also use pre-made pinatas, or your kids' larger stuffed animals. Get all of your family friends to stand along side the driveway and beg for beads. (Not Grandma, though-- just give her the beads. No one wants to see that.) Get the neighbors involved, too. Show them how fun Mardi Gras can be. The lady down the street who gardens in that spandex catsuit-- she'll be all for it. Get the local kids involved to sell Kool-Aid Hurricanes from their lemonade stand.
  • Go to Not-Hawaii. Put your kids' earth science knowledge to good use by resurrecting that volcano experiment in the garage. Eat nothing but Spam sandwiches and pineapple rings for a week. Play Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles" on a loop, for background atmosphere.
  • Create your own fishing lodge! Drag a simple kiddie pool into your livingroom and fill it with cold water... Add several boxes of frozen fish sticks, looped with rope or ribbons... And cast away, my friends! Once you get that big catch, pop the fish sticks in the oven according to directions on the package and serve. The fish you catch yourself always taste so much better, doesn't it?
  • Transform your abode into the Vegas strip. Card games abound. Or, if you aren't savvy on games like poker and blackjack, use what you have on hand for new, creative Vegas gaming stations. Think Old Maid where the Maids are Wild. Sudden Death Monopoly. Buckaroo racing. Hungry Hungry Hippo or Connect 4 Slots. You're limited only by your imagination. And what about the shows, and fine dining? Encourage family and friends to put on comedy skits or showcase their dancing and karaoke skills. Use those refrigerator leftovers for scrumptious all-you-can-eat buffets! What, that taco meat's been around for three weeks already? No problem-- a little food poisoning is all a part of the Vegas adventure.

See? It's that easy to get away without ever leaving your home. I hope these tips will find you feeling more relaxed in no time!

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21 comments:

Alice said...

I'm sensing a real need for you to get out and go on vacation. I'll be dragging you to Vegas with me next time.

I was partial to the fish stick idea though. My kids could get into that. ; )

Jenn Thorson said...

Alice- Hm-- I thought it was subtle. :)

Mmm.... fish sticks! :)

WillThink4Wine said...

Somebody needs a vacation!

Rebecca said...

I love the idea of turning your house into a mini-golf course! LOL I always thought my house would make a good obstacle course for game shows but many mini-golf would be much better! Or maybe even a go-kart obstacle course! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Will- Heh, yeppers! And I am prepping the Paper Mache jesters right now... You want a Kool-Aid Hurricane? They're nice and frosty!

Rebecca- Go-Karts could certainly be interesting, depending on how much space you have available.

Da Old Man said...

Is it really a vacation without ski ball? I guess you will have to settle for the next best thing, then. I hope you enjoy your alter- cation. I like the idea, but don't know if the name will catch on.

Jenn Thorson said...

DaOldMan- Heh, I think you're officially the first person that caught the "Alter-Cation." :) YAY!

PS- Ski-ball is for always. :)

Tiggy said...

Those ideas are travel-tastic! I'm going to steal the local kindergarten's paddling pool and fill it with seafood goodness.

I only have flaked tuna so I may be some time.

Jenn Thorson said...

Tiggy- Best of luck to you with your personal indoor fishing vacation. Keep the tuna in cans, and all will be well. Just remember-- you might need a net.

chyna said...

I'm noticing a common thread on your blogs. I agree you need to get yourself out and someplace else. Hey isn't the Longest Yard Sale suppose to be soon? Maybe you and Scoobey should plan for a little jaunt south and see what you can come up with. That is one of our dreams, to do the giant yard sale.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- Er... yeah, I guess I do have a bit of a cross-blog theme running. :) I probably will be able to take a day here or there for a long weekend.

There's an area in mid-Pennsylvania that's supposed to have a lot of antiquing, and my friend Scoobie and I have talked about roadtripping there. So we'll see.

I'm sort of on-hold waiting to see if my dad is going to need surgery for something, to see if I need to take off for that. So that'll be where any of my days really will go.

Jay said...

Don't forget to spend a day crammed into the smallest room with ten strangers to get that authentic flight experience! You can have your kids hand you tepid fish sticks and Kook Aid Hurricanes through a crack in the door at various points during the day - not at actual meal-times though, and this is particularly important if you're trying to recreate the transatlantic experience.

Love the mini-golf! ROFL!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- Now THAT is the perfect addition to the vacation ideas cited above! Many kudos to you!

Ideally, these ten people should be complete strangers you hire. They should have very small bladders as well as narcolepsy, so they'll have no problem falling asleep on your shoulder during the "flight."

Thank you for adding your insights!

Da Old Man said...

LOl @ 10 strangers with small bladders and narcolepsy.

You could make it easy on yourself and just hire 10 second graders. I sub taught 2nd grade one day and came to the realization that they have bladders the size of walnuts. They need constant emptying and refilling. I estimate it takes approximately 37 minutes for the entire cycle, by the way.

Jenn Thorson said...

DaOldMan- Second graders would certainly work in terms of bladder size-- no doubt. But I think for the true air travel experience you need the claustrophobia and discomfort that comes from having an adult with personal space issues sitting next to you.

Possibly these folks could be picked up as customers of Starbucks, which would also ensure the frequent bathroom break need, as well. (I believe in multi-tasking.) :)

Da Old Man said...

Personal space issues?

When was the last time you interacted with a second grader? Climbing on adults is a normal activity.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- Yeah, but I'm talking for sheer bulk. Sure, we could use three second-graders in a pile. But it's just not the same as one large executive who couldn't upgrade to Business Class. One who takes off his shoes on the plane and needs a pillow, blanket, and a copy of twelve magazines the moment he sits down.

You know: that guy. (We've all sat next to that guy at one time or another, I think.)

Da Old Man said...

Ummm, that was me. Sorry.

ud said...

I'm totally down with the kiddie pool idea - I just hate if you leave the fishsticks in the pool too long they start to lose their fleshy brown crust, then you've just got mushy fishsticks the kids won't eat; back in the freezer with them to firm them up! :)

unfinishedrambling said...

I was just wondering how we were going to go on a vacation this year. Thanks for helping out, especially the Photoshop. I'll be sure to try that out.

Jenn Thorson said...

Ud- It's a valid point about the fishsticks coating. So, theoretically then, you can't each your catch that same day-- you need to wait a day for refreezing. Important tip! Thanks!

UnfinishedRambling- Best of luck with the Photoshopping and making your own special vacation. I'm sure everyone will be very impressed to see you and your family enjoying your time at the Pyramids of Giza, or Maccu Piccu, or some lush European resort. Let me know how it turns out. :)