Swimming with the Fishes, Fer Reals

So this week I made my plans to go down to Florida and, per my dad's request, scatter his cremains in Florida Bay.

Not terribly funny right? Not material fit for a humor blog? Oh, just you wait for it, my friends.

So in doing some research, I learned that in order to accomplish these last wishes, I wouldn't be able to spread the ashes off a peaceful dock somewhere with a nice view. I would need to rent a boat, since Florida law says you can't spread cremains in the water unless it's three miles off-shore.

Given this is about the same distance I see smokers these days having to walk away from a public building in order to have a cigarette, this wasn't entirely surprising to me.

So the question for me became: what the heck kinda boat does one rent for such an occasion? I mean, this is Dad. This isn't the former Little Big Jimmy Left-Feet of the Parmagiana Crime Family who you speedboat out to the Everglades while playing the Miami Vice theme song, dump him in, and hope for curious crocs before the police get wind.

One has a certain expectation for decorum here.

Worse, I was getting visions of fishing charters where I'd be scattering ashes on one side of the boat while Stan, George and Mindy Sue there on the other side of the boat were tapping a keg and pulling in the Catch of the Day. "Hey, watch it, lady-- it's drifting. You got a little of your father on our flounder!"

(I know, I can't believe I wrote that, either. But this is the way my mind works under stress.)

So I called the main funeral home down in the Keys and explained the situation. They were very understanding and kindly gave me a referral to a reliable place their clients often use in sad times just like this:

It happened to be a dive shop.

Yes, in between snorkeling trips and dolphin wrangling and whatnot, this dive shop takes the bereaved out in boats so their loved ones can swim with the fishes for all eternity.

So very Florida Keys.

But here's the kicker, the thing that nearly made me burst into wholly inappropriate fits of giggles...

I booked the boat, was glad to have this one increasingly complex task finally pinned down, my mind relieved, and the nice Dive Dude says to me, "So, will you be wanting to go in the water after?"

"Um... WHAT?!"

"Well, sometimes people want to do snorkeling trips on the way back."

"From the funeral?"

"Yeah. They stop to go diving. Will anyone be swimming?" he asked, his voice filled with total sincerity.

"Um, no."

To my knowledge, Jimmy Buffet has never mentioned this in his songs.

Turkey of a Travel Day Answers and Giveaway Winner

Last week, Of Cabbages and Kings had its second not-necessarily-annual-yet-really-spiffy giveaway contest, where participants had to predict which tribulations and turns my Thanksgiving travel plans would take. The one who got closest to what really happened would get a piece of Florida souvenir tackiness hand-picked by me!

I can't understand why we didn't have more participants. :)

Today, however, we find out the answers and reveal the winner. Let's get cracking!


1.) How many times will I get reprimanded by airport security in total?
The answer is...b.) Once. While it wasn't shoe removal, or my being too polite to fellow passengers that was my downfall, my bag had to be searched because of... wait for it...

Rogue antiques.

That's the way I roll.

Apparently on X-ray, some unique pens made from Victorian silverware I'd picked up looked like deadly weapons.

Yes, friends, many a person has died a long painful death... many a plane has been hijacked... due to floral-embossed flatware. So let's give a round of applause for our good men and women of airport security; they're just doing their jobs and not taking any chances. Sure, it was innocuous this time, but next time those pens could be a chafing dish.

Moving on to...

2.) At least one person sitting next to me on the plane will do which of the following?
And I'd listed a number of things strangers do to other strangers in when sitting next to them in a metal cylinder at over 10,000 feet (No, that doesn't involve the Mile High Club-- get your minds out of the gutter, people!).

Now, for this trip, everyone directly next to me was actually very well-behaved, which I appreciate. I will, however, have to choose D for the correct answer-- "Have some sort of bladder control problem that requires getting up multiple times"-- because someone behind me had this issue and apparently lacked the thigh-power to stand up unassisted to flee for the restroom without using my chair back as a makeshift winch.


3.) How long will it take me to physically leave the rental car property once receiving my rental car keys?
The answer here, believe it or not, was "A-- under 15 minutes."

This is in complete contrast to the Chevy HHR I had one year which-- in its quest to streamline the number of buttons-- decided that getting into the trunk through the dash, a floor lever, a keyhole, or a keyless remote button was entirely excessive.

That year, it took me 45 minutes to figure out that you could open the trunk by hand but only if all of the car doors were also open. Yes, that's intuitive.


As for number 4.)-- Will I get lost in Miami?
I'm proud to say, I managed to do so not once, but twice! Thus, setting an all-new personal record. The first time, I did indeed get lost in places I'd gotten lost before. It's part of a fine annual tradition. So C. ("Yes, but you will recall being lost there three times before and not lose much time.") is a correct answer.

But for the return trip, B-- ("Yes, but only for the amount of time it takes you to stop crying on the steering wheel")-- also is correct. My Rand McNally directions back to the rental car return were, in fact, totally wrong, sending me away from the airport and across a series of roads that looked like a plate of linguine with clam sauce.

(The abandoned motels and used car lots I passed by before the weeping began are the clams in this analogy.)

And last...


5. How many free-roaming iguanas will I see in my dad's backyard?
The answer is A.) None. The iguanas have all gone to Pittsburgh for the Thanksgiving weekend.

I haven't gotten a chance to check the local papers to see how folks here in the 'Burgh handled the mass iguana tourism, but I'm sure it'll still be lead story on the news tonight.


And now, the moment we've all been waiting for! Because, when doing my careful mathematical calculations of who got the most correct answers right, it appears you all decided to embrace the Law of Averages and each got 2/5 correct-- I put all of your names on slips of paper in a bag and just drew a name.

So the winner of the souvenir giveaway is...

Jessie! Jessie, if you would email me your address and full name at thriftshopromantic @ mac.com (no spaces, though), I will get your goodies out to you this week.

And the prize is...

An exciting 3-D animated flamingo bookmark and an Official "Miami" fridge magnet with sparkly crap and dolphins inside! Woo-hoo!

Actually, the bookmark is kind of mesmerizingly cool. May you have many hours of fun watching the flamingos flap.

Okay, that's it for today, folks! Wednesday Cabbages will be back with its normal, non-travel-themed tales and oddities.

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Cabbages' Turkey of a Travel Day Giveaway Contest

So, for some pre-Thanksgiving fun, I thought we here at Of Cabbages and Kings would play a giveaway game.

Right now, Yours Truly is flying off for Turkey Day festivities to the Sunshine State. And because this involves the Wacky Wonders of Air Travel--

--Where one errant metal hair barrette could cause 10 large airport security officers all named Stan to strip search me (let's hope they're gentle)--

--I will award an extremely tacky Florida souvenir of my choice to the person who comments and guesses the most answers correctly based on the outcome of my round-trip adventures.

I won't know all the answers to these myself until next Sunday. So early next week, I'll award the great and exciting prize of Genuine Florida Souvenir Slob Art to the lucky individual with the most answers that are closest to what actually happened.

Ready? Here we go!

1.) How many times will I get reprimanded by airport security in total?
a.) None, it will be smooth sailing as you are queen of the three ounce travel size toiletries!
b.) Once. Shoe removal or not running over an old lady in the security line will be your downfall.
c.) Two or three times. A nervous tic or your naturally-shifty looks will cause security to suspect you as a person of interest.
d.) Lots. You are now being grilled by Jack Bauer in some concrete underground interrogation unit. It was nice knowing you.


2.) At least one person sitting next to me on the plane will do which of the following?
a.) Fall asleep and snore, possibly drooling on your shoulder
b.) Take his or her shoes off, stench optional
c.) Try to engage you in lengthy small talk against your will
d.) Have some sort of bladder control problem that requires getting up multiple times


3.) How long will it take me to physically leave the rental car property once receiving my rental car keys? (This includes figuring out how the car actually works in the parking lot.)
a.) Under 15 minutes
b.) Fifteen to 30 minutes
c.) Thirty to 45 minutes
d.) You are still there trying to figure out how to work the rental's windshield wipers.


4. Will I get lost in Miami, on my way to my dad's?
a.) Yes, and you will have your rental car graffitied by gangs of angry rogue flamingos, too.
b.) Yes, but only for the amount of time it takes you to stop crying on the steering wheel.
c.) Yes, but you will recall being lost there three times before and not lose much time.
d.) No, it's smooth sailing! Cue the Miami Vice theme song!


5. How many free-roaming iguanas will I see in my dad's backyard?
a.) None. The iguanas have all gone to Pittsburgh for the Thanksgiving weekend.
b.) One. Most of them were eaten by the fabled Skunk Ape of the Everglades. Mmm, tastes like chicken!
c.) Two. Not enough for a sci-fi film but too many to please the territorial dachshund next door.
d.) Many! It'll be like Godzilla Versus Megalon Versus Mothra Versus Barney, baby! Run, Jenn, Run! (And don't forget to shout in Japanese as you flee.)


Okay, so those are the five questions. Leave a comment to share your predictions. And next week, we'll find out who is the lucky duck who wins real, Florida home-grown souvenir tat, personally chosen by me!

I'm so excited!
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A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words: Caption Contest

Hiya, Folks! In the spirit of thanks and giving and also because it made me laugh to think about it, Of Cabbages and Kings is running its first ever caption contest. When the Gods of Funny Photos align themselves in one's favor like with the photo above from my travels yesterday, one does not question-- one shops for TWO tacky Florida souvenirs to be awarded to the two best captions.

That's right, between now and midnight Monday, just post your funny captions for the photo above and the Cabbages team of expert judges (myself and the Jane Austen bobblehead on my desk-- and no, she's not as picky as you might think) will choose two winners, each of whom will receive a tacky Florida souvenir of my choice.

Here is the full pic, just so you can get the entire effect.


I will announce the lucky winners along with Wednesday's post. Cheers!!

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The SouthernMost Bigfoot in the U.S.A.

Loch Ness has Nessie... The New Jersey Pine Barrens has the Jersey Devil... And the Florida Everglades has... the Skunk Ape.

I can't believe that all these years I've been going down there to visit my dad, I've been spending my time getting some sun, stuffing myself at seafood buffets and being hit in the head with parrots. And I could have been slogging through the swamp looking for signs of a missing link between humans and apes.

How did I miss this shining opportunity for scientific investigation... mystery...and guys dressed up in gorilla suits?

Oh, wait, that's just a Scooby-doo episode... But still. I feel I've been really lax here.

According to FloridaSkunkApe.com (yes, all the cool, hip, with-it monsters have web sites these days), the Skunk Ape got his name due to the horrible stench he exudes when you stand downwind of him.

And, heck, who can't sympathize with that? The thing's supposedly covered entirely with hair, in a sweaty, tropical climate with no AC... He can't just pop in to the local CircleK convenience store for a stick of RightGuard, can he?

I can see that discussion now:

SkunkApe: Rowr!
(translation: "Hi, my name is George. I'm looking for your personal care section.")

CircleK Cashier: Oh, for Pete's sake, this is the THIRD time this week!

SkunkApe: Rowr?
(translation: "I'm afraid we may have miscommunicated in some way. I had asked for your personal care section, and this is the first time I've been to your beautifully-appointed store of convenience.")

CircleK Cashier: I know, I know, I've heard it all a million times-- you've got a loaded weapon and you're not afraid to use it.

SkunkApe: Row--rr.
(Translation: "This fellow needs to work on his listening skills.")

CircleK Cashier: Look, I'm fed up with this. Just take the money. Here, just take it! I don't care any more. This is a crummy job anyway, and I've only got 47 bucks in cash. Take it. And don't come back!

SkunkApe turning money over curiously in his hands: "Rowr!"
(translation: "Excellent! I will eat this later along with the leftover hamburgers I get from the Gator Gulch Saloon dumpster. Thanks, pal!"

CircleK Cashier, to the SkunkApe's back: And dude, costume's clever enough, but take a bath! You reek, man!

So I think if folks are really looking to catch the SkunkApe, what they need to do is strew Bath & Bodyworks gift baskets all around the swamp, in the SkunkApe's typical turf. Then set up video cameras. It's an invasion of privacy, sure-- but while the SkunkApe is standing there hydrating and ex-foliating, the cameras will get all the proof they've been looking for.

Mystery solved!

PS- Because this tickled me so much, I thought you guys might also enjoy checking out some news footage on swamp guide David Shealey and his dogged pursuit of the SwampApe.

Favorite quote:

"It baffles me when people say, 'It looks like a man in a monkey suit.' And I say, 'Well, that's what one looks like, and I'm sorry if people don't believe it. That's just too bad, that's the way it is!'"

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