You have questions.Okay, well, maybe you don't...
But in honor of Cabbages' one year-- er-- sorry, five month-- anniversary, I thought I'd answer all the questions you don't have... or might have... or would have asked... if you didn't have a lot more important things to think about during the course of the day...
Like why we sniff milk we know is probably soured. And stuff like that.
So here goes.
Q: Who is that nameless cabbage up there in your header?
A: Why, that's no nameless cabbage-- that's "Old King Cole Slaw"! He's the Of Cabbages and Kings official mascot. And he prefers to be referred to as His Royal Cabbageness. (He's got a bit of a big head.)
Q: I've seen that cabbage mascot singing and driving a car, yet it has no hands, no feet, and is also a vegetable. How do you explain this?
A: The Department of Motor Vehicles does not discriminate when handing out drivers' licenses. If the driver is able to complete the proper tests, the driver is issued a license regardless of the number of appendages or its flora or fauna status. I can't believe you'd even ask such a thing! Really! The noive!
And as for questioning his musical abilities, doesn't he have a right to express himself in song? Plus, there are plenty of vegetables out there who sing and drive. Virtually any celebrity news story will confirm this.
Q: Where do you get your graphics?
A: Off the back of a truck, in an alley, in this dodgy part of town, right next to the Fake Designer Purse shop. But shhhhh, don't tell everyone, or it'll get really competitive...
Okay, no, actually, I make them myself in Microsoft Word using the program's shapes tools. This is because I am cheap-- er, creative, yes, creative!-- and the only royalty issues I want to have to deal with is that cheeky monarch cabbage up there.
Q: How much truth is really in your memoir posts?
A: Well, I take a soft nougaty center of verity, surround it with a thin outer layer of rich creamy fillers, add some gooey transition sentences to hold it all together, and drop in the nuts. A lot of nuts.
Q: What is the answer to the meaning of life?
A: You'll have to take this up with Douglas Adams. Unfortunately, he's deceased. So while he's possibly in a good position to know, that may not be abundantly helpful to you at present.
Also: 42.
Q: Are all those people you mention in your stories real?
A: Yes, but their names have been changed and their identities shrouded in mystery. That's unfortunately what happens when you become friends with a humor blogger. You don't want everybody knowing that you know one. The Witness Protection Program has been really helpful for them.
Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Are we really sinking so low as to ask a question as shallow as that?
Q: Well, yeah. Can't we?
A: 'Kay... green.
Q: If you were stuck on a deserted island...?
A: Hey, come on now. Don't you have anything more constructive to ask than cheap teeny-bopper-style interview questions?
Q: Hey, who's asking the questions here?
A: Well, a fictitious reader, really. Which is sorta what's starting to concern me.
Q: Do you talk to yourself often?
A: Yes, all the time. I grew up as an only child. I mean, if I didn't talk to me, who would? It's only if I ever start answering myself that I need to worr.... um.
Q: How have you been feeling lately?
A: Not so good, apparently...
Q: Lie back on the couch and tell me about your family...
A: Okay, I am outta here!
Q: Do you have a question for Of Cabbages and Kings?
A: Just share it in a comment below and we'll try our best to answer it. Or not. Sort of depends on how strong the meds are that they put us on.
Q: Why are we talking about ourselves in plural now?
A: Go AWAY.
Thank you.
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