First Airport Goes Nude in the War on Terrorism

By Penny Penn-Schyll
Nashville Star-Sun-Post-Reporter

NASHVILLE, TN-- Responding to the thwarted terrorist attack on Northwest Airlines Flight 253, the Bettie Page Memorial Regional Airport and Discount Lingerie Outlet, outside Nashville, has taken an innovative step toward passenger safety: mandatory nudity in all terminals and departing flights.

Dubbed the BareTrans Program®, now passengers experience travel in the buff, beginning at airport security checkpoints. Upon disrobing, all clothing must be stowed in airtight Spacebags® and will be scanned for prohibited substances. The bagged clothing must then fit completely inside a carry-on bag. This is hermetically-sealed by trained security using Hermet™ (patent pending), duct tape and those twisty-ties they put in toy packaging. There is a fee of $15 per bag, and bags must remain sealed until passengers reach their final destination.

Other changes have been made to accommodate the new, more rigorous safety requirements:
  • Temperatures in the terminal have been adjusted to a consistent 75 degrees.
  • Disposable plastic covers are now available for hygienic airport seating, and can be purchased from the airport shop at just $5.00 per cover.
  • And the Hooligans' Family Restaurant will no longer serve its Sizzle-n-Spice Fajitas due to potential spatter injury and class action lawsuit.

With the elimination of pockets and carry-on bag access, post-security money-handling is now prohibitive. Passengers must pre-pay for any food, beverages or souvenier items they predict they might possibly consider purchasing in the airport or in-flight.

Passengers estimate their total future purchases at Check-in and receive a bar-coded hand-stamp for that amount. As purchases are made, each item's cost is debited from the passenger's pre-paid account by simply scanning the barcode.

While airport officials indicate the new program is still in transition, passengers do seem to like the sense of safety the BareTrans Program provides.

"Fer 75 years, ain't nobody seen me nekkid but Doc Graham and my husband Everett here," said traveler Emmeline Dodd, age 94, off to visit her baby sister Margaret, 90, in Tuscon.

"But if it takes me givin' half o' the county a cootch-show in order to keep the good ol' U.S. of A. safe, why, I'll do the patriotic thing and make my privates public fer Uncle Sam."

Mrs. Dodd's uncle, Sam Johnson, age 102, declined to comment.

With the early success of the BareTrans Program, travelers can expect airports across the nation to follow their lead. Hanes Community Airport in Thredbaya, Maine, is currently implementing a variation of the program, called the "Tightie Flightie Initiative." While the process remains largely unchanged, passengers may retain their undergargements throughout the course of travel.

But officials at Bettie Page Memorial call the Tightie Flightie plan "risky."

"When you have terrorists willing to stow WMDs in their BVDs, you just can't take chances on things like personal privacy, dignity and Victoria's Secret," explained airport public relations manager, Buffy Bethune.

"We have a new slogan here at Betty Page Regional: 'Bare in the Air Gets You There.' And we stand behind that. Well, not directly behind. But more to the side. With our eyes averted. Politely."

For information on these and other security programs in your area, please contact your local airport.

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35 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

This constitutes the best diet plan, ever! I'm never flying again.

Carol said...

The BEST !!!!!!
I'm on the floor laughing my fool head off. And the diet plan is just a bonus.

ReformingGeek said...

Good one, Jen! I've definitely lost my appetite.

Jenn Thorson said...

Cat Lady- Well, I imagine after they got a load of Mrs. Dobbs there at Bettie Page Regional, everyone else pretty much seems like a supermodel. :)

Carol- Oh, I'm so glad! Thanks for visiting.

Reforming Geek- Well, we all resolve to diet in January anyway. :)

Mr. Condescending said...

I have to say, the fajita part really made me crack up!

Jenn Thorson said...

Thanks, Mr. C! Flaming fajitas plus exposed tender places just seemed a recipe for culinary disaster. :)

Jaime said...

can we add some blinders to this plan... because i'm pretty sure there are QUITE a few people i do NOT want to see running around naked in the airport. like almost everyone there!

Marvel Goose said...

All this does is move us closer to .... body cavity inspections.

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny, now I have to follow you!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Here's the problem: It's illegal in most states for me to be seen naked. Now I'm going to have to drive everywhere instead of fly.

Beer Drinker said...

Hmmm. Nudity doesn't mean there are no hiding places. Surely you've read the news and seen the prison rape show Oz.

I don't think I'd be able to go on one of these flights, for the same reason I can't go to Haulover Beach in Miami.

I'm guessing you can figure it out!

Beth said...

I thought about my grandparents flying naked and promptly lost my appetite. Thank you.

jay said...

This is definitely the way to go, but ... so long USA. I enjoyed visiting, but I fear you'll have to do without me next year.

Even if I get to keep my undies.

Joel Klebanoff said...

I would like to leave a much longer comment, but I don't have time. I have to start spending a lot more time in the gym if I'm going to be required to fly naked.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaime- Heh, yes, I will include myself in that tally, too!

Marvel Goose- Someone whose moniker ends in "goose" WOULD come up with that. :) I'd expect no less.

Eva- Good to know who the shadowy figure lurking behind the curtain will be then. :)

Mike- Well, geez, being a skeleton, as you are in your avatar, how could this process even be a problem? :P

BeerDrinker- I think they're headed in that direction anyway. :) Body cavity searches, I mean-- not Haulover Beach.

Beth- Just adding to national nausea one past at a time!

Jay- I'm afraid I'd have the same issue. For me, it would be sparing the pain of others.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

Hilarious!! First time I'm reading your blog thanks to the contest that Mr. Knucklehead created...

Awesome post. You've made a follower out of me...

Surfie said...

I'm not sure 75 degrees will be warm enough if I'm flying in the buff. How about 80 or 85? :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Joel- You and me both, dude! :)

Dave- Hey, very cool! Thanks for spending some time at Cabbages, and for the comment!

Surfie- I must say, you're a pretty good sport about it if only the temp's the issue with this plan. :)

The Mother said...

Do they offer barf bags for offended folks forced to watch the full frontal nudity?

Never saw anyone who looked better without their clothes. Not even in Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mother- I imagine you probably would have to pre-pay for them, deciding in advance you might need them. :)

nonamedufus said...

Do I have to bend over?

Thredbaya, Maine, ayuh!

Nicely done.

Jenn Thorson said...

Dufus- Oh, I love that you caught the Thredbaya, Maine! Hooray! :)

Lizzy and Elle said...

Too awesome!

We have grabbed your button (not bottom) and placed it on our site!

Jenn Thorson said...

Lizzy and/or Elle- Thank you for the first one and, well, also for not doing the second one! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

Outstanding. You have earned my vote!

BTW, I went to school in Seattle with a Jennifer Thorson. Back in the '60s. You are younger, I'm sure, but your name sure brings back memories.

Paul Wynn said...

Ah looks like a way to save money, forget going to the strip club.

Jenn Thorson said...

Fragrant Liar- Thank you for your vote! I understand there's a Jennifer Thorson in the outskirts of my town, too. Folks occasionally ask me if I'm related to so-and-so... this other gal. I just hope she keeps a good credit rating. :)

Paul- Well, I guess it's important to economize any way you can these days. :)

Moooooog35 said...

Shit like that is why I drive.

Although, I am quite a specimen.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my god. Awesome. And we're flying in a week and a half. Yay?

Jenn Thorson said...

Mooog- By driving, you're only depriving the world, you know. :)

JD- Well, you did have that nude post last year... :)

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Great job, Jenn. This was hilarious. Good luck with the voting!

Deray said...

Cough, cough, cough, I can't laugh this hard when I'm coughing! jajajajajajajaja cough!

Grandma visiting Tuscon, jajajajaja.

Question, how would one know now who is a pilot or a flight attendant? they won't get to wear their fancy uniforms!

Jenn Thorson said...

Mr. Knucklehead- Thank ye! I appreciate having been included for the opportunity.

Deray- Heh, the next time Grandma gets off the plane, you will probably find yourself grateful this plan hasn't been put into effect yet. :)

Pilots and Flight attendants would have branded logo stamps and stamped nametags strategically placed, much like the hand-stamp pre-paid debit account the passengers use. Only, um, higher up.

Barry said...

Not a bad plan - though I doubt I would want to fly those skies! I hope the friendly skies are not too friendly!

nick said...

Not a problem, unless the security guy insists on using the metal detecting wand ....carelessly