Shiny New Groups for Irrational Loathing


I don't know whether it's the crappy economy... the unemployment rate... the natural disasters... or the fact Tom DeLay dropped out of Dancing with the Stars. But lately, doesn't it seem like people are just looking for someone, anyone, to take the brunt of the blame for life's ailments?

Read the user comments on any news story, pop by any forum, and you'll see an outpouring of Advanced Scapegoatism and undiffused public rage. Yes, this is where race, government, political parties, sexual orientation, religion, atheism, sports, uppity weather, inconvenient fault lines and-- as I learned yesterday-- we women who are apparently too stupid to be allowed to drive because we cause men to speed, run red lights, and drive recklessly (we are so kooky that way)-- all get a nice thrashing.

Basically, the idea translates to "anyone who's not me sucks fish eyeballs."

So I was thinking this morning, the problem is, we're rapidly running out of folks who already haven't been bashed into throbbing bruised masses. It's getting cliche. Yep, we need to spread the irrational loathing around a little. Show our versatility. Why, there are whole obscure groups who haven't gotten theirs yet!

Why should we limit ourselves?

So I have some suggestions for those of us who need to project, deflect, and let off a little steam.

  • Flat-pack Furniture Manufacturers. Feel the country is falling apart? Well, it's probably because of a poorly die-cut cam-hole, and a loose cam-screw due to those irresponsible, corner-cutting, pre-drilled-hole-missing, flat-pack furniture manufacturers. Those furniture manufacturers are so smug, laughing all the way to the bank as they give us instructions in ancient Babylonian along with diagrams with all parts marked " Q." This is why our economy fell apart, I bet. Not because so much of this furniture isn't made in America, but because it's held together with wooden pegs in peg-holes twice their size.

  • Department Store Mannequins. The conceited bastards. They stand around all day expecting us to fawn over them when what are they-- pressed wood and a little paint? They're taking away the jobs that real people could be doing, because we wouldn't complain at all at standing 24-hours-a-day with our hips jutting out a foot before the rest of our bodies. And plus, they set a completely unrealistic example for us about what we're supposed to look like. We would all have perfect hair if we could wear wigs. Our makeup would never run if it were painted on. And the clothes-- don't even get me started on the clothes! All our clothes would fit perfectly if we walked around with them pinned in the back to give a more slimming, fitted appearance. They must be stopped.

  • Images that Come in Photo Frames. The artistically-shot Wonder of the World... The smiling, loving couple... The beautiful flawless family where the kids haven't cut their own bangs and the dog doesn't have gas. Yes you, Photo Frame Images, set a standard of camaraderie and elitist taste that conflicts with the viewpoint of millions of Americans. You need to bring it down to earth. Why don't you show us a black-and-white photo of that abandoned meth lab down the street, or the new county courthouse they just built downtown? Now that's Real Art. Why don't you show Carl and Myrna grinning, fresh from the WalMart dentist? Why do you insist on shoving these unrealistic representations of life we're never going to see and wouldn't want to, even if we won the lottery and not just because Stan here isn't allowed to fly because he accidentally got himself a file at the FBI for that small bomb threat joke he called into the Rent-a-Center last year so he could have the day off?

  • Goats. They're eating up all of our resources. For instance, tin cans that could be recycled instead end up in the gullet of a four-stomached beast that expects us to cater to its needs. Not only that, as the blogger of Nanny Goats in Panties will attest, they're taking over our media. A recent post on her site proves, innocent people are just trying to get news and entertainment from blogs like hers, when suddenly they are, out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever except for a blog title called Nanny Goats in Panties and a header filled with goats, showing us not the hard information and non-goat-related laughs we demand. But the occasional funny goat picture. It's mind control, I tell you! They should, at the very least, have warnings like peanuts packets that bear the words "May Contain Peanuts." Live goat-free or die!

Well, these are just a few of the groups that I think safely have it coming. But, of course, you all are free to come up with your own groups that are blissfully going about their own business but are just asking for a good needling.

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Humorbloggers

26 comments:

Lizzy and Elle said...

I agree witht he furniture, although my house is full of it...but it reflects on my "one day" plan. One day I will have nice stuff.


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Shieldmaiden96 said...

This made my day.

I have to add Frowner Typers to this list. You know...you are checking in for a flight, or getting your taxes done, or renting a car. Maybe they are just concentrating. But something about the face they make while they are typing 200 wpm gives you a stomach knotted with irrational fear that for some reason as yet unknown to you your efforts to travel/be lawfully compliant/leave town are about to be thwarted.

Jenn Thorson said...

Liz and Ellie- Hey, I KNOW that "one day" plan. I do it with non-flat-pack furniture as well. One day I will finish this project. One day I will finish that one. :) PS- thanks for the invite-- terribly kind of you.

Shieldmaiden- Ah yes. My doctor is one of those Frowner Types. I can convince myself I am coming down with flesh-eating bacteria just by guessing the concerned expression on her face. :)

Surfie said...

I know, right! As if those mannequin harlots weren't already stealing all the in-store jobs from the hardworking "please pay me to stand around" folks, now Old Navy is putting them in their commercials too! Tsk, tsk...

Jenn Thorson said...

Surfie- See I just KNEW you folks would understand the importance of these issues!! :)

ReformingGeek said...

You are so right about people being on edge! I thought it was because it was January. I'm glad I read your blog today. Now I know the truth.

Walmart dentist? That's even more scary.

The mannequins are how the government spies on us. You DID know that, right?

;-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- January is usually sort of pushy and annoying, but it seems to me this January everyone is just in an incredibly bad mood. Re; the Walmart dentist, it just sounded a lot worse than the eyedoctor I know they DO have. :) And no, I was unaware about the mannequins. I hope Jack Bauer has to take a few down.

Kevin said...

I took a picture last year that's been accompanying every syndicated news story about goats ever since. A dealership in New Zeeland gave away a goat with every truck. My image was front and center. Google let goats eat their lawn. There was my goat.

I am a goat enabler.

stillthinking said...

I would like to add to this list, sitcom reruns. The Brady Bunch made it seem possible for a residential architect to support his perfectly blended family of 8 and a full time live in housekeeper. I remember having a stern conversation with my mother in which she pointed out my various imperfections and character flaws and asked why I couldn't be more like the kids on tv, after all they were "normal". To this day, I blame the Brady Bunch for my dysfunctional family and my decision to become an architect.

Jenn Thorson said...

Kevin-Wow, Kevin, you're more than a goat-enabler, you're almost the web's honorary number one goat-enabler. There should be an award, or a, um, block of feta or a cashmere sweater or something for that.

Still- The Brady's were NORMAL? Jan in an Afro, Cindy with no pants and wearing ringlets until she was 40, Peter as Bogey impersonator, Bobby as Billy the Kid... Yeah, they weren't delusional or anything. :) My friend, be SO GLAD you're not a Brady. Every. Single. Day.

Quirkyloon said...

WalMart offers dentistry?

My dream come true!

Off I go!

Jenn Thorson said...

Quirky- Hey, they do eyeglasses. Can dentures be far behind? :)

Melanie said...

Oh those photo people that come in picture frames really deserve our ire! The loving couple in front of one of the seven wonders of the world (take your pick it seems to vary by frame manufacturer). Please, I can't even get my husband out of the recliner, much less get him to have his picture taken beside the Eiffel tower! Let's have a little dose of reality in those frames. An off centered picture of the dog yawning perhaps?

screwdestiny said...

Oh ho, I am so with you on the furniture manufacturers. I'm not sure if this technically counts as furniture, but my boyfriend (who is generally really good at putting stuff together) spent about six hours putting together a foosball table. It should have only taken, 1 1/2, maybe two hours, but that thing was so shittily made that it took forever.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Awesome, Kevin gets to serve as the scapegoat, taking away some of the blame (and one-star ratings) that I get. I can't help it if it's raining goats over at my place - I try to offload them by putting them up on my blog and out of my hair, but they just keep coming and coming. It's those "bleating" heart liberals, I tell ya!

Also? I hope moooooog doesn't get wind of "poorly die-cut cam-hole, and a loose cam-screw". He'll have a field day with that one.

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- I think I might buy a frame simply for the laugh factor of seeing it stuffed with a photo of a dog yawning. They'd up sales, I'm sure of it. :)

ScrewDestiny- A foosball table is absolutely furniture, as a scientific experiment on Friends in the 90s proved it can transform quite nicely into a dining table. :) You know, it never occurred to me that foosball tables were "assemble it yourself." To me, that's like having to build your own pinball machine or something. What a crappy idea!

Nanny- Have you gotten to see your Amazon Kindle review from me yet? (It should have been approved by Amazon maybe yesterday or so) It should well-straighten-out any additional pre-conceived notions about the surprise appearance of goats on your site. :)

Charlene said...

I too blame the mannequins and the photo people. Health care, the economy, everything is ALL their fault! :-) heehee

Berowne said...

You think you've got problems, what about this?
Who's responsible for the refusal to serve shrimp nude -- in the full monty?
Every time I get shrimp in a restaurant they've left the tails encased in what's left of the shell.
Whenever I'm attending an elegant, upscale dining soiree -- for an ambassador, say, and which happens often -- I've got to wrestle with that crustacean covering on the shrimp's tail, causing bits of shrimp to fly all about, some landing on my new tuxedo ($35 at WalMart).

CatLadyLarew said...

Mannequins are so annoying... I feel like ripping their arms off.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yes! I did see your review and wow! - THANK YOU! If anybody is misled at this point, it's their own damn fault. Plus, you get a 14-day free trial, so why would you complain about something that's free?

Jenn Thorson said...

Charlene- Ah, if only other people would wake up and open their eyes to the truth of the matter! :)

Berowne- I have noticed shrimp's strange overly modest stance in restaurants, as well! It should be full mandatory crustacean nudity or nothing.

CatLady- I would enjoy following you through a department store.

Nanny Goats- Heh, it made for a good theme, anyway. I know-- that 14 day trial, well, if he ended up having to pay the, what, whole 99 cents because he didn't cancel in time or whatever.... whose fault is that? The trial, it's FREE. It's one thing if it's just not his sense of humor, but his complaints were way out there.

Skye said...

This is too funny! I love the whole mannequin thing. Whatever happened to the real life men and women who used to stand in shop windows for several hours a day displaying the shops clothing wares? They were fun to watch and see if they'd move. I used to want to be one of those people, stick my tongue out at just for the fun of it, wink or wave. Just small movements to make people wonder if they really saw something. Of course after that quick movement I'd be back in a frozen position. At least that's what I wanted to do as a kid, I thought it would be a real hoot...lol.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I hate all skinny mannequins too. They think they're so hot.

And those happy photo families. I thought they were the real deal for a long time, until I had my own, and now I know. They're not.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

"Anyone who's not me sucks fish eyeballs." You know, I was thinking it, but not out loud. What are you, telepathic or something?

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- Every now and then I'll see actual people doing the mannequin routine in store windows. But not often. If your chef position ever falls through, perhaps you could have a back-up career. :)

Mary- It's disillusioning, isn't it? :)

Mike- Maybe it can become a catch phrase.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

I never thought about the impact of goats on my world. It's very upsetting. I feel powerless.