Haiku for My Japanese Spammer

Remember the old days when spammers just used robots to spread their life-changing messages of tungsten wedding rings, all-natural erectile dysfunction drugs, conspiracy theories, and Nigerian princes in peril?

They were so impersonal. So detached. So... off-the-shelf.

But every now and then, some innovative spammer looks at the state of spamming today, and decides to avoid all the cold, calculated spamming hustle-bustle. Yes, she determines to take a more hand-crafted spam approach.

This is a person who truly appreciates the subtleties of the spamming art. Who knows that irritating the hell out of a blogger takes time, a gentle hand, and adding a new spam message daily in a language that said blogger not only cannot filter out, but cannot read.

This passes the torch to the blogger, sparking another lost craft-- the need to take a thoughtful moment to hand-delete that new message. Every. Single. Frigging. Day.

It hearkens back to a simpler time, really.

Regular readers know that I have been the recipient of this regular spamly gifting, from a spam artist in Japan, whose agenda-- according to the Babelfish translator-- seems to be some sort of woo-woo psychobabble. And as we are now approaching, oh, the second month of this intercultural exchange, I have now been moved to another art form-- haiku-- in her honor.

I started with this one, but while it captured some of my feelings, it didn't quite say all that it needed to:

Inbox reveals you
Anger flows like heavy rain
Mouse clicks 'Delete'

Then I decided to try encouraging my spam artist into a more productive direction...

Eyes see. Mind reads not.
Kanji sits so alone here
Spammer finds new friends

I hoped to use a metaphor she might understand...

Culture is cuisine
Flavors please... unite
Yet Spam tastes of hoof and snout

And then I just decided to stop beating around the bush...

Japanese spammer
Blood pressure you raise so high
Knock it off, will ya?

Just doing what I can to keep the art alive in blogging, don'tchaknow.


Today's question: have I missed any important angles I should be embracing in this ode to my persistent fan of the spam?



Michael Rivers said...

The last one is my favorite. I think it's perfect!

Anonymous said...

Frankly, I think you've just about covered it. Now all you need to do is to cover a ceremonial blade with these haikus (the blade would be the kind used when cutting one's tummy open in order to cease laughing and frolicking and... well, general basic living). If your spammer doesn't get the message then, you may have to move to another planet.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot to add, you post them said ceremonial blade. Not actually stick it to them. "Post" it. Just want to be clear on that. I don't condone violence or indeed any form of claret spilling. Honest. :P

Jenn Thorson said...

Michael- I thought what it lacked in natural poetry, it made up for in its sentiment.

Tony- That works out well, as we at Cabbages don't condone the use of blades and violence either. My mascot, Old King Cole Slaw gets really jittery around things like Ginsu knives.

Jaffer said...

This his hilarious
It makes for a rainy day
You have the talent

My blog is offline
I wrote the post in Haiku
It brightens the day

Jenn Thorson said...


Visitors' haikus
Warm the heart like gentle rays
Let me shake your hand ;)

Daisy said...

Persistent Spammer
Don't you have something better
to do with your life?

Guess what? I have a spammer who leaves a comment in Japanese every single day, too! On the same post every day, too! I just went to Google Translate. Here is what the Japanese words mean:
"Checker left brain and right brain can use any blind date party! School or intuitive right brain to analyze your brain, left brain can diagnose whether a理詰Me school. Diagnosis may result in unexpected discoveries! Diagnose and everyone盛Ri上Garou"

JD at I Do Things said...

Japanese spammer
Come over to I Do Things
You won't like the nude.

Jenn Thorson said...

Daisy- ACK! Your spammer is my spammer too! That is the very same one!! I'm happy I'm not alone, but I'm sorry the spammer's getting you, too!

JD- Well, you never know. It depends on how they feel about visual arts. :)

C.B. Jones said...

Make a diss record that uses the "I don't like spam" sound byte from this Month Python skit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE

Jenn Thorson said...

CB- I should put the link on the blogger's blog. As a statement of freedom from spamification.

ReformingGeek said...

I guess you could cover the inadequacy line of thought:

Oh Foreign Spammer
Ye of little hammer.
Find pills to make glad
No more spam to make me sad.


Janna said...

More haiku for spammers:

Breast enlargement? Hey!
Just what are you implying?
These could knock you out!

Prescription delights
Disreputable sources
It's safe! Would they lie?

Erectile trouble
How kind of you to notice
Have you been watching?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

And word verification doesn't stop it? Such a shame you can't tell her it to F&CK off on her (although it's probably a him - for some reason I assume most spammers are hims) own blog or something.

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- I like how your poem contains empathy, plus a ray of hope for the eventual end of spam. :)

Janna- So when is your Haiku for Spammers book coming out? I think it would be the talk of the holiday spammer get-togethers, something they'd pass around and snicker at by the water cooler, etc.

Nanny Goats- I have not yet put on word verification because I know it annoys the crap out of the non-spam readers, who are more important to me. So I've been trying to avoid turning that on.

Jenn Thorson said...

PS- the reason I've assumed it was a female spammer was the site it's linked to has been full of hearts and rainbows and cute little cartoon animal icons.

I know that doesn't necessarily mean it's a female spammer, but the cute factor was too high for me to envision a fellow behind it all.

nonamedufus said...

Poor you. Like you didn't have better things to do like, oh, I don't know...read all your English spam?

Jenn Thorson said...

Dufus- You know, I actually have been lucky with that. :)

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You are simply loved in every language. Hello! :-)

Hey, Freedom Debt Relief loves me too! And Iron Man Costume Store Owner told me all about the potty training woes he had with this toddler, so sometimes the spamming pans out, you know?