Nature: I embrace its mind-boggling beauty and awe-inspiring wonder.I cannot embrace its many legs, multiple eyeballs, and parts that go "chomp."
I mean, if I go to a zoo and spot a furry tarantula... or an armored scorpion... or a local politician campaigning... I examine it there behind three inches of glass or perhaps surrounded by bodyguards, and think:
"Cool! You are interesting to observe, my friend. You stay there in your contained area, and I will remain here. And all will be both hunky and dory."
Not so was the case last week in my bathroom.
Lightly-caffeinated one morning, I entered this room of revitalization for a refreshing shower. And no sooner was I about to step into the tub, unclad and distinctly vulnerable, when-- from some dimly-lit corner of the room-- charged this giant, multi-legged freak of nature. One undoubtedly spawned from years of sewage, radiation, Pixxy-Stixx and half-eaten Twinkies.
I leapt back to let it pass, but this was apparently not good enough for its nefarious intents. No, it needed more.
It was going to start with the bathroom, yes. Then it was going to conquer the house... the block... the city... and possibly take a flight to Japan so it could really get cracking on Tokyo.
Y'know, like the Monstering-For-Morons: How To Stomp a City Real Good manuals tell 'em.
Okay-- sure, he'd probably get delayed in security, given all of the legs with explosive shoe potential. But I doubted he'd be deterred-- just a little petulant by baggage claim.
So when I moved out of Bugzilla's way, did it thank me for the courtesy? Did it show me its FastPass?
No. It decided to charge at me.
Yes, friends, it let out a mighty roar, reared up on 500 of its hind legs, shot morning breath of fire and Liquid Plumber, and ran straight at me.
And me, I did The Naked Mile in under five seconds.
I searched frantically around for something to barricade it. Something to stop it in its fleet-footed, galloping tracks. And that's when I spotted it. The metal lid to the container that holds extra toilet paper!
Wham! went the lid (which proportionately is, of course, seven stories high and flame resistant).
"RAWWWR!" echoed the enraged monstrosity from its dark chamber, shaking 300 angry fists.
I sighed, and sunk to the floor. Phew! Crisis averted...
Until.
See, a good shower does wonders for the ol' attitude. With some happy suds and good hot water, the trauma of my battle with the mutant beast from the netherworld swirled from my memory and down, down the drain of the past.
I got ready for work.
And I forgot all about my plans to slide some cardboard under its confinement cell and release Bugzilla back into the wild, far far away from my own personal self.
Here I should mention, I have a housemate that shares the facilities.
Yes, it was evening by the time I saw the friend who rents from me. As she was headed into the bathroom, I glanced at her retreating back and something sharp jabbed my memory.
Wasn't there something I was supposed to tell her? Wasn't there something fairly important that she should know?
She was mid-toothpaste-on-brush when my recollection kicked in, and I rudely busted in to her moment of Aquafresh and meditation.
"AGH! Don't lift that metal lid!" I shouted, pointing at said item on the floor.
She glanced from it to me with a single eyebrow raised, and the same expression she gave me the time she caught me making a Great Escape episode starring Marshmallow Peeps.
"I noticed that earlier," she said calmly.
Yes, it was the Marshmallow Peeps tone again. A friend who knows you're inclined to set Easter candy up for an action picture photoshoot, pretty much knows to expect weirdness as a part of the rental contract.
I explained the incident of the morning. The terror, the running legs (some of them not even mine), and pointed out the scorch marks on the tile walls.
And with this, that brave girl... That battler of underworld demons... That Buffy the Bugslayer who I call 'friend,' she grabbed a tissue, lifted that lid and...
No.
The battle was simply too ugly to describe.
But suffice it to say, the house... the block... Pittsburgh... and even Tokyo...
Has been saved.
At least, until next time, good readers. At least, until next time.
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Question for today: Is there any part of the animal kingdom that completely freaks you out? And why... why must they always charge us? What's that about?
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26 comments:
Any member of the animal kingdom will freak me out if it's charging right at me. Anything at all. It can be a friendly dog that suddenly and inexplicably decides that it doesn't like me patting it and therefore tries to chomp my face off. It can be a huntsman spider showing its displeasure at me trying to kill it by lunging at me as part of some fear induced psychotic episode. It can be a rampaging chick (and I don't mean girls, I mean the clucky kind... oh, wait...). Anything will freak me out if it's trying to harm me in any way.
Tony- And you living in Australia, you have more deadly crawly things there than almost anywhere else in the world!! I know: I've watched Steve Irwin poke at most of them.
That is, until he eventually ticked off a stingray having a bad day.
"Yes, it was the Marshmallow Peeps tone again."
HEE! Your housemate is brave. I can't smash a bug -- especially a big 'un -- with anything less than 5 rolls (yes, ROLLS, not sheets) of paper towels.
Dave and I used to live in a somewhat roach-infested apartment. He would come home in the evening to find upside-down teacups all over the place. Underneath were roaches waiting to be dealt with.
JD- Bugwise, she is. She has a deathly fear of mice, though. Which I don't. So this has actually worked out pretty well.
I'm not entirely sure what either of us are going to do when she moves to her new house in early October, though.
I suspect there will be frantic calls for me to drive over and empty mousetraps, and I'm going to be using your teacup method for bugs. :)
I saw a half and inch of a roach climbing up my dining chair yesterday - and like every Indian man would do, I grabbed a sandal to hit it. But unfortunately, he fell and quickly crawled inside the seat cover !
I spent amost 20 minutes looking for him. After giving up, I sat on the chair.
Oh by the way Jenn, once Google picks-up this post, expect a surge of nerds and complainers at your place, searching to find their way to the world of Mozilla: http://www.bugzilla.org/
Jaffer- Did you hear a "crunch" from beneath you as your buggy friend met his maker? :)
And thanks for the heads-up on Bugzilla. I wasn't aware of that, but I figure if the fellows are nerdy enough then they're definitely smart enough to realize Cabbages isn't the droids, er, website they're looking for. :)
Japanese snow monkeys creep me out. They hang out in hot springs, and just chill out all day with that look on their faces.
You know that look, right? It's the same look people get whenever they pee in a pool. Those monkeys looks so relaxed, because they contaminate the water with their wee all day.
http://bit.ly/R0ITE
They have no shame whatsoever!
CB- Wow, that is Total Monkey Bliss, isn't it? Zen monkeys...
This was one frightening story! I held my breath the whole time! She only grabbed one tissue to kill Bugzilla with its many legs :|...I have no words for that!
TJ- Indeed she is freaky-brave when it comes to bugs. And yep-- one tissue.
I mean, given the size of Bugzilla it had to be a tissue the size of a few football fields. But still, one tissue. :)
I chased a cricket all over my office the other night. I would grab for it, it would hop away, I would sit down and it would start making that little crickety noise that is so annoying, then it would appear again. The husband finally caught it and put it outside. Pheew! I hate bugs.
Of course my cricket didn't charge at me like your bugzilla...thank goodness! Oh and I wasn't naked!!!
"Buffy the Bugslayer" JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJ
That was awesome! Thanks for another good read Jenn ;)
Leeuna- Well, I'm glad you released him back to his natural habitat-- or rather, not cubical-land. :) I'm sure he appreciated it.
Deray- Heh, it was worth it just to see the "jajajajaja"s written here. Someday that WILL stop making me smile each time. :)
I hope that doesn't happen anytime soon ;) jajaja
I often wonder what bugs think. Or if they do. Because if that's the case, they're really, really stupid.
Overall, I'm pretty brave when it comes to bugs. I'm fine with catching ans then liberating any bugs that have wandered into my apartment.
Except for crickets. Crickets are Evil. They're have scary legs and move in a erratic manner. (I can't run away from them if I can't figure out which way their headed!) And Heaven help me if I ever find a cave cricket here. I will just grab the cats and flee.
I thought of Mozilla's Bugzilla site when I saw your post title, too. Jaffer beat me to it.
Yes, yes I'm freaked out by most parts of the animal kingdom. The ones with more than four legs. I believe you're aware of my own bug in the bathroom terrorfest. I also had a preying mantis chase me into my house. I swear on a stack of Bibles that thing made me RUN!
Hilarious story, Jenn, as always. But now I blame you because I think things are crawling on me. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
It sounds like you had a run in with a house centipede....I've had a few send me running and screaming through the house (butt naked at times).
These wretched beasts can run about 16 inches per second and are truly terrifying, but they are actually beneficial to the home since they eat other bugs...
Oh well, FYI...
DK- It also makes you wonder how bugs ended up being the most populace species on the planet, given their critical thinking skills.
Ennui- Shouldn't the cats be trying to assist you in your cricket herding? Yeah, yeah, I know... when the going gets rough, cats get going.
Kathy- Praying mantises (mantisii?) are extraordinarily strange even when they don't give chase. They're like six inch tall aliens from Mars. They look like they could talk. It's completely fascinating but disturbing.
ChasingSatan- Yes, you absolutely nailed it. A friend at work told me about it as well and we found a photo of the culprit. No question! (I can't quite believe folks could identify my bug with such an exaggerated description-- I think you guys have some sort of special powers or something!)
16 inches per second... crikey.
No offense, but you remind me of several people I used to work with who would freak out around any bug. They'd scream. They'd whine. They'd empty an entire can onto the bug. (Not all women, mind you.) This would usually happen right outside my office door, which was right next to the door where the smokers went. I'd get so sick of it that I'd do what your roomie die. I'd get up calmly with the legal pad, walk past them, smash the bug, and go back to my office without saying a word.
I hate rats, mostly because you can't smash them with a legal pad. Ok, maybe you can, but it wouldn't really do anything but piss them off. Plus, they make me flashback to this time when I was about 4 or 5 and my parents still had a farm. We had a rat infestation (giant rats, too, not cute little mice). I woke up one night and saw one on my windowsill. I screamed like someone was killing me. My parents tried to tell me it was just a dream. It took them another 20 years to admit the rat was real.
Staci- Actually, I don't freak out at any bug. I garden. I find pillbugs fascinating. I like caterpillars and walking sticks and love the irridescence of beetles, etc. My grandfather raised bees and I grew up around them. But then these fine fellows weren't charging me while I was naked, either. :)
It's good your coworkers have you, though, with your skillz.
whatever are you going to do without Scooby around?! Maybe she can come over on ocassion and vanquished the bugs for you.
Chyna- It is going to be really weird. I'll probably meet her for Saturday thrifting, or go help her remove wallpaper/paint at her new place. But I'll certainly miss having a bud to chat to... and help kill bugs. :)
Oh my word! SPIDERS! Spiders freak me out BIG time. I found a huge one in the kitchen the other night. Thankfully, not before one of our cats had played it to death!
Babs- See, the CATS almost always have other sentiments about things of the creepy and crawly type. They're as good as a feather on a stick, or a ball!
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