Lee Majors Bionic Hearing Aids and TVLand Personal Care

"I wonder, if you go jogging, it makes that 'Eh-eh-eh-eh-cha-cha-cha-cha' noise."

It was the first thing I thought when I saw the ad for the Lee Majors Rechargable Bionic Hearing Aid. And while it doesn't mention it in the commercials, I really hope it does come equipped with some six-million-dollar sound-effects.

I mean, how cool would it be to not only be able to hear things you couldn't before, but a brisk walk around the mall before it opens has you sounding like you're about ready for take-off or to fight some baddies?

I could totally get behind that! Talk about empowering!

"What's that, Mildred?" you say smugly. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over my bionic 'eh-eh-eh-cha-cha-cha'."

That would just make me happy.

So that got me wondering what's next in the world of personal health care products for older Americans?

You're probably not too surprised that I have some suggestions:

  • The Eric "Ponch" Estrada Denture Set. Finally you can get the refrigerator-sized, white flawless teeth you weren't born with! These quality, glow-in-the-dark choppers are perfect for driving around on your chopper-- in uniform or taking the Mrs. for a late afternoon early-bird special. Patented Teflonite coating makes bug splatters drip right off! Meaning now you can feel free to smile and smile, along every mile!
  • The Evil Knievel Turbo Roundabout Power Scooter. The fastest power-chair of its kind, the Evil Knievel Power Scooter can go from 0 to 120 in six seconds. No more spending hours just trying to do simple grocery errands. No longer will you be passed on the sidewalk by energetic squirrels. And transporting it is easy. Simply use its special "Daredevil" setting and it propels from the ground to your trunk, up to six feet in height. Best of all, it's safe. Extensive tests show only one in 50 of these innovative scooters spontaneously combust in a fiery pit of flames. Get yours today!
  • The Henry "Fonzie" Winkler Hair Replacement System. Turn your hair from "meh" to "ayyyyyyyy!" with the new Henry "Fonzie" Winkler Hair Replacement System. This self-adhesive D.A.-style hair layer is both comfortable and discreet. Plus it's all-weather and, when used in combination with our special preparatory oil, complete water resistant! Comes with free Official Fonzie comb and mirror, just pay an extra $39.95 shipping and handling.
  • Catherine Bach's Daisy Duke Brand Support Hose. Having trouble walking and feeling less confident due to the pain and embarrassment of ugly varicose veins? Well, you'll be sliding in and out of the windows of your Lincoln Towncar in no time with Catherine Bach's new Daisy Duke Brand Support Hose. With these strong, stretchy, sexy hose, your legs will gain the kind of young, more alluring appearance that will have you cutting-off those polyester, elastic-waist trousers into some shorts! And the pain? Gone quicker than a mug of beer at the Boar's Nest! Yeee-haw!
  • George Peppard's "A-Gleam" Anti-Nicotine Tooth Whitener. This crack-commando whitener will fight the underground battle against tobacco stains, particularly those from your favorite cigar. Yes, when you have a whitening problem, when no one else can help, call the A-Gleam. Find it on your pharmacy shelves inside the box with the cheesy rubber-nose and mustache disguise. But act fast! Government agents should be trying to remove it shortly.
  • Raquel Welch Prosthetic Breast Augmentation Bra. Not getting the attention you used to from the 60-year-old hunks at the bingo parlor? Feeling lost and invisible, your confidence as deflated as your sagging boobs? Well, no more! Simply slip into the Raquel Welch Prosthetic Breast Augmentation Bra and you'll feel robust, your spirits uplifted! Guaranteed to make the most of any mu-mu!

Well, those are my ideas. But you're a clever bunch of folks, so I imagine you all have some to add to the list, too.

But for now, I have to go. I'm currently pitching Linda Carter's people my idea for the "Wonder Woman Bulletproof Lifecall Bracelets"...

"Pa-chaa! Pa-chaaa! Peeeww!"
Complete with realistic sound effects, of course.



Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I think I'd like to see the Mr T. Stress Management Knuckle Dusters. Guess what they do... :P

Jenn Thorson said...

Tony- I pity the fool who finds out. :)

Anok said...

"Passed by energetic squirrels" Ha! LOLLOL.

Jen, as always, you've brightened my day - like that tube of A-Gleam!

Michael Rivers said...

I bet half of these products are already being developed in boardrooms across America. And we probably don't even want to know what these celebrities are paid to endorse the products. I wonder what I could peddle to the masses?

Jenn Thorson said...

Anok- Ah, I'm so glad to hear it, my ninja friend!

Michael- Oh, I'm sure something perfect will strike you. :) No fear.

Canadu said...

We need a whole line of Dick Cheny endorsed high-calibre assault rifels...for hunting ducks...yes, ducks.

Jenn Thorson said...

Canadu- I suspect those might be very popular. I hear ammunition sales right now are at an all-time high... they can't keep enough in stock to meet the demand.

Anonymous said...

"I've fallen and I can't reach my magic lasso!"

Jenn Thorson said...

Rhet- :) The lasso probably evolves into a remote control. :)

C.B. Jones said...

The Steve Urkel guide to getting women.

Jenn Thorson said...

C.B.- The subtitle for that book really should be: "Did I Do That?" :)

Chaotically Calm said...

LOL, I always thought Tina Turner could make the Private Dancer Night Gown with matching hosiery, since she pretty much has the greatest legs over 60. And I am doubling over laughing at the Raquel Welch Prosthetic Bra...sagging no more ladies...they should sell these in Tarjay for those folks scared to call in and order over the phone.

Jenn Thorson said...

Faith- Ah, yes-- between the two items/celebs, that would be quite the lingerie section. :) And affordable, too!

Deray said...

Does the "Catherine Bach's Daisy Duke Brand Support Hose" come in a presentation suitable for guys too? If not, they will not cover all the available customers! jajajajaja

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- Oh dear-- I think we're back to the mantihose again!

I'm starting to get worried-- does everything in the world come back to mantihose?

Is it like Kevin Bacon and the seven degrees of separation?? :)

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

The Greg Brady Perm Kit.

Partridge Family Retro-70's Vehicle Camoflage System.

The I Dream of Jeannie Bikini Wax.

Just off the top of my head

Jenn Thorson said...

DK- Ah, those Greg Brady perms. Who could forget 'em? :) I do believe that's my fave of the bunch.

Thanks for donating the creme de la brain to us today! :)

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Love the Raquel Welch idea. Do it, and I'm buying.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mary- I think we'll have to get things rolling with some potential manufacturers. :)

Melanie said...