From Lady Gaga to Baby GooGoo

I'm not precisely sure when it happened, but our entertainment industry has gone embryonic.

It transformed from 40s films like It's a Wonderful Life, where Jimmy Stewart played a teenager who had hair in his ears, a pacemaker, and was just tapping into his Social Security...
("Every time a bell rings, George Bailey thinks it's hearing aid interference.")
...To leading ladies and pop stars so young they need new Pull-Ups between takes.

I was noticing this in particular the other day, when for the first time I saw Lady Gaga interviewed. I'd seen still shots of her on mags like Rolling Stone, and had read an article or two which spoke of her eccentric, crafted personality. Like a modern-day Ziggy Stardust.

Then she strode in, her dress rigged of plastic Post-its, a purple teacup in hand....

And under the wig, false eyelashes and hype, I got the first good look at her.

Okay, so maybe she isn't exactly still waiting for her adult teeth to grow in, but you can't tell me the last time she'd cashed in with the Tooth Fairy can be measured in decades.

Which got me wondering, what's next on our horizon?

I'm thinking it'll start with a pre-teen pageant circuit phase, where coiffed eight-year-old hoochies do infomercials on leg waxing and form manufactured girl bands. The Jon Benets will be as big as their hair. And the Little Miss Sunshines will top the charts with edgy songs of report card disappointments and bulemia.

Then we'll realize we need something for the younger set.

I mean, with these aging hags, so washed up before junior high, we'll see we'd missed a whole market.

Why, kids not even in school have a lot more disposable income than you can imagine! (At least, if they don't try to eat it, or stick it up their nose.)

So soon pre-schoolers will be rocking out to The Jiggles, an educational romp with three-year-old pole dancers in push-up bras. They'll have fun showing the kiddies things they'll really need to know. Like how to send pictures of themselves to their friends using a hacked version of the Leapfrog system.

Or how to enhance their figures using realistic Play-Doh ta-tas you can make at home. Y'know, from the Play-Doh Boob Factory.

And then don't forget the really little ones! Who won't want to listen to the in-vitro band, New Fetuses on the Block, with their hit song, "In Your Womb"?

Oh, there's no end to the untapped marketing opportunities!

Of course, we'll have to wait until technology catches up a bit. I hear the studio for those fetuses are typically cramped and the recording feedback is terrible.

Question for today: Has there been any movie or musical act that was way older or younger than you'd expected them to be for their role?


Skye said...

Somehow or other, I don't quite understand it, but this post has a ring of possiblility to it! Younger and younger markets are being attacked all the time. Pretty soon the age limit on American Idol and other such programs will be 19 not 25 and it will keep getting younger.

Let's not forget about those dating/marrying type shows either. Do you think that in time they'll have new reality shows about setting up marriages for kids still in the cradle?

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- Why not? We could call it "Cribzillas"! :)

Nooter said...

at the end of the tv run lassie was like, over a hundred thirty years old, but i swear she didnt look a day over ninety

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- Wasn't she also a he?...

Er, sorry to break that to you sooner. It sort of sounded like she might have been a postergirl for you.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I remember taking my neo-hippie retro self to see the Moody Blues in the early 90s and realizing that, to a man, they looked like my dad.

Babs-beetle said...

When I see a girl of around nineteen with implants that have to be strapped down when on a plane (and most other times) because of real possibilities of exploding they are so large and who has little hair left of her own because she has had constant extensions, talking about having Botox because she's sure she can see wrinkles around her mouth, then I seriously worry!

Jenn Thorson said...

ShieldMaiden- Hey, you too? I also went to see the Moody Blues in the early 90s! Woo-hoo! I wouldn't have guessed that in my wildest dreams. :)

Babs- It is amazing when you hear someone so young talking about worrying of wrinkles. Or very very young slim girls, not even ten, worried about dieting. There's something deeply wrong.

nonamedufus said...

Jenn, you're scaring me.

BTW, when my kids were young they loved rap - I hated it. Now they have kids. I don't know what music my grandkids will be listening to but I hope their parents are annoyed beyond all get out! Payback is sweet.

BTW2, those old guys in the Moody Blues. They're not much older than me!

Jenn Thorson said...

Aw, Dufus, you know I'm being tongue-in-cheek with my predictions. I would hope parents would practice a bit of good sense of responsibility before things deteriorate that far. But it is terrifying.

PS- I loved the Moody Blues. I even have a concert t-shirt lurking somewhere.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I'm glad somebody else noticed that Jimmy Stewart thing in Its a Wonderful Life. That drives me nuts every time I watch it. Why is George still in high school at the age of 43?

Today, no matter how hard to tries to look mature--by growing a mustache or wearing a fedora, for example--Leonardo DiCaprio always looks like a baby boy to me.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Yeah, while I do love Jimmy Stewart, his middle-aged 17-year-old is always too funny to me.

And re: Leonardo DiCaprio, it's true. I have the same issue with "Rick" Schroeder-- he's a grown up now but still looks like a giant 12 year old. It sort of freaks me out.

Bee said...

I watched "17 again" with a very young Zac Efron and felt like a perv so yeah, I agree with you.

jay said...

Yeah, disturbing, isn't it? When will they have time for school?

Oh wait .. they won't need it, will they? They'll have amassed their fortunes by the age of nine and will never have to work again!

Tony Single said...

There's nothing I can add to what everyone's already said, except to say that I'm disturbed by our culture's obsession with youth. Never mind foetuses... you'd better be ready in the grand waiting room of heaven before you're born. If you haven't gotten your investment portfolios sorted by that point, then you deserve all the karmic bad junk that happens to you from the womb onwards. Mummy... help.

timethief said...

Ha! ha! ha! As usual you put a smile on my face. I immediately though of Chuck Norris and the extent he has gone to to look "youthful". IMO he's going to be perfect in the lead role when it comes to headlining the next attack of zombies serial.

Jenn Thorson said...

Bee- I haven't caught that one, but I'll consider myself forewarned. :)

Jay- At least until they spend it all on drugs, iffy family make-money schemes and then rehab.

Tony- Grim, eh?

TimeThief- Heh, I bet a Chuck Norris zombie flick would be HUGE in the b-movie box office. You may have something there! :)