Cabbage Bowling: the Abuse Abides

It has reached the attention of Of Cabbages and Kings that an unfortunate segment of our population is experiencing regular shame, degradation and physical abuse, all in the name of celebratory amusement.

At events all over the country, and for such frivolous reasons as St. Patrick's Day, quirky radio contests, and the annual Phelps Sauerkraut Festival, cabbages-- that most proud and noble of leafy vegetables-- are being used as projectiles for cruel merriment.

Just look at the cabbagey carnage here at one such event...


Yes, once these were strong, independent vegetative spheres-- with dreams of someday achieving the respect bestowed upon higher-profile vegetables such as Mr. Potato Head... the entire cast of VeggieTales... and local politicians...

Yet now these once-dignified herbaceous biennials have had those dreams ripped to leafy shreds... hearts cut out, and turned into tiny bits of slaw on the Existential Bowling Lane of Life at the hand of thoughtless humans, all for a few hours of bowl-a-rama bliss!

This cannot abide!

What's worse is children are being taught to view cabbages as idle unfeeling playthings from a very early age. I mean, just look at these Bowling Bunnies!...
Okay, sure, sure... it's the cute fluffy little bunny rabbits that get knocked over. Yes, everyone is always soooo quick to worry about the cute fluffy little bunnies.

But what about the cabbages that are impacting them at the rate of low-speed car crashes? Just because cabbages don't have stupid fluffy tails and dumb pink twitchy little noses, do they not merit equal attention?...

If you lob a cabbage, does it not bruise? If you stab a cabbage, does it not slice?

So that's why we here at Of Cabbages and Kings are stepping up to the line and saying "Strike!" to this conscienceless sport. (Even if, you know, a strike is actually a good thing in bowling, yet more of a call-to-action here in in the context of pro-cabbage concerns.)

So, we offer you some Cabbage Bowling Anti-Abuse propaganda-- er, paraphernalia... paraphernalia— to help spread the word about the unspoken tortures our green and leafy friends face regularly...



Yes, feel free to share these at will with family and friends and too-slow-to-refuse strangers on the street, and let them know about the pain currently facing the Cabbage-American community.

Please, won't you take just five minutes a day to help spare the cabbages?
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16 comments:

C.B. Jones said...

Just when you think America is making strides, this blatant intolerance rears it's ugly head.

*wonders if there are any old cabbage spirituals song to help them get through the abuse.*

Jenn Thorson said...

C.B.- Oh, I'm sure we could make up-- er, DIG up... DIG up some.

You're right, appropriate music is what the movement is missing.

nonamedufus said...

You had me at "once-dignified herbaceous biennials". Cabbage bowling? Get your mind out of the gutter!

Jenn Thorson said...

Nonamedufus- Ah-- we may need to engage your punning talents for more propa-... er, brochure ware.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I think we need to get back to picking on the animals responsible for Swine Flu.

Madtexter said...

For shame on the American public. This is despicable! Why, I say we join forces with PETA, to gain their tactical knowledge on the subject (much like the ban imposed on killing common house flies), and take our message to Washington.

FREE THE CABBAGES, YOU DUMB SONS OF BEEYATCHES!!

Where's the petition...sign me up!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Meg- Pork goes so well with cabbage. :)

MadTexter- Thank you for your terrific pro-cabbage enthusiasm! Regrettably, Peta is strangely mum about vegetable well-being. We may have to create a special organization for the critical cabbage issue.

I'll get cracking on it.

Nooter said...

oh i like chasing the rolling cabbages and fetching them back

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- Cabbage are kind of large for you, aren't they? I mean, you'd really have your work cut out for you.

Berowne said...

Your thoughts on cabbage got me to thinking about soup. Which took me to my current intellectual interest, the "NDBPC: National Drive to Pronounce 'Borsht' Correctly."

Sadly, many people throughout the so-called civilized world continue to order this delicious soup, totally oblivious of the fact that they are mispronouncing its name.

I discuss this vital topic in my blog with the post titled "Borsht Done Right."

May I count on your support?

Jenn Thorson said...

Berowne- While I am always 100% in favor of drives that support proper pronunciation and grammar--

I'm afraid I can only support your Borsht initiative if you can assure me it's entirely cabbage-free borsht we would be discussing.

Berowne said...

"...if you can assure me it's entirely cabbage-free borsht we would be discussing."

I can so assure you. The borsht I have in mind is totally cabbage-free and is also 100% without high-fructose corn syrup. It also contains almost no vitamins or minerals.

But it's the pronounciation that is the issue. People stop me on the street and say, "But Berowne, how important is that? Isn't it a rather small-potatoes issue?"

I have a ready reply, carefully worked out in advance, that stops them cold. "If it had to do with potatoes," I reply, "it wouldn't be borsht."

They usually have no answer to that.

The world today is filled with so many examples of things that seem of little importance, but later turn out to be heavy with weltschmerz.

For example, the current ad campaign of the Ford Motor Company (they make automobiles), an ad that is running in print, on TV, the works. It runs like this: "Why Ford. Why now."

Are we merely a dwindling few who feel it's important that people who write in English should write correctly? A question should have a question mark. So, Ford Motors, why doesn't your ad? Why not? Why now?

(All this, by the way, is discussed in my post "Ford Ad.")

Opposing views are always reluctantly considered.

zobop republic said...

I have embraced the nonsense...thank you! Needed that.

Skye said...

Um sorry Jenn, I can't help you out with this one. Um, you see, um, how do I put this nicely?...

... oh darn, I can't, um, you see, I tend to chop up about 10 cabbages a day at work, and well, I um turn them into coleslaw.

You see, I work in a restaurant and Cabbages are vegetables and therefore food, so I turn them into things that are good to eat.

Oh dear, this is going very badly, I better get out before rotten eggs start flying my way!

Tony Single said...

It's always the cabbages that suffer. Sniff... :(

Jenn Thorson said...

Berowne- That Ford ad would drive me bananas (not potatoes, beets or even cabbage-- only bananas will do). Punctuation should be embraced like a brother. One who didn't hold you down and drip trails of spit on you.

Zobop- Always glad to spread a little cheer and nonsense-- thanks for stopping.

Skye- Well, I DO appreciate your telling me so gently, trying to ease me into it... I have a lot to think about now.

Tony- Yes, I need to find a shot of my mascot, Old King Cole Slaw, shedding a single tear.