It has reached the attention of Of Cabbages and Kings that an unfortunate segment of our population is experiencing regular shame, degradation and physical abuse, all in the name of celebratory amusement.
At events all over the country, and for such frivolous reasons as St. Patrick's Day, quirky radio contests, and the annual Phelps Sauerkraut Festival, cabbages-- that most proud and noble of leafy vegetables-- are being used as projectiles for cruel merriment.
Just look at the cabbagey carnage here at one such event...
Yes, once these were strong, independent vegetative spheres-- with dreams of someday achieving the respect bestowed upon higher-profile vegetables such as Mr. Potato Head... the entire cast of VeggieTales... and local politicians...
Yet now these once-dignified herbaceous biennials have had those dreams ripped to leafy shreds... hearts cut out, and turned into tiny bits of slaw on the Existential Bowling Lane of Life at the hand of thoughtless humans, all for a few hours of bowl-a-rama bliss!
This cannot abide!
What's worse is children are being taught to view cabbages as idle unfeeling playthings from a very early age. I mean, just look at these Bowling Bunnies!...
Okay, sure, sure... it's the cute fluffy little bunny rabbits that get knocked over. Yes, everyone is always soooo quick to worry about the cute fluffy little bunnies.
But what about the cabbages that are impacting them at the rate of low-speed car crashes? Just because cabbages don't have stupid fluffy tails and dumb pink twitchy little noses, do they not merit equal attention?...
If you lob a cabbage, does it not bruise? If you stab a cabbage, does it not slice?
So that's why we here at Of Cabbages and Kings are stepping up to the line and saying "Strike!" to this conscienceless sport. (Even if, you know, a strike is actually a good thing in bowling, yet more of a call-to-action here in in the context of pro-cabbage concerns.)
So, we offer you some Cabbage Bowling Anti-Abuse propaganda-- er, paraphernalia... paraphernalia— to help spread the word about the unspoken tortures our green and leafy friends face regularly...
Yes, feel free to share these at will with family and friends and too-slow-to-refuse strangers on the street, and let them know about the pain currently facing the Cabbage-American community.
Please, won't you take just five minutes a day to help spare the cabbages?