Lady Anachronism and the Six Cylinder Wizards

It wasn't exactly a phrase I ever expected to say in 15th century Europe:

"Um, could you tell me if there's a pay phone around here I could use?"

But given my electric horseless carriage had completely lost its giddayup in the middle of the Renaissance Faire parking field, well, now was really not the time to be a stickler for historical accuracy.

I elaborated on how ye olde bewitched torches had accidentally been left to burn during the course of the jousting... During yon marketplace pillaging... During the enjoyment of grog and delicacies from ye locallle chippe shoppppeee... And thus had drained the carriage of its goodly magyckeee.

I shared the tale of how I am stupidly not keeper of the phone of cells... And how I had thoughtlessly not yet sought protection of the roving, rescuing band of the Three A's, wizards who specialize in the reanimation of stranded carriages.

I spoke of all this-- in four-part verse accompanied by lutes and dancing minstrels, two of whom I had to run through with sharpened sword just to get the whole story finished...

By Tudor's codpiece, those skipping minstrels do strain the nerves!

But once the woman in the wimple and velvet gown at Ye Olde Tickett Boothee heard my tale of woe, she leapt to action.

She picked up her own enchanted phone of cells and rang up His Majesty's Royalle Carriage Magycker-Uppers. This noble king--well-prepared for most contingencies which is undoubtedly why he is in charge (that and, y'know, being a legacy kid)-- had druid advisers on hand for just such an occasion!

Huzzah! Huzzah! And whoop-whoop-whoop!

I waited for their arrival, reading my carriage's Booke of Spelles, hoping to glean some bit of new knowledge. But alas, my powers of magyckkke in the area of horseless carriages are weak and silly and do sucketh.

A kindly knygggght came by with his lady and offered assistance, if I had the Bewitched Cables of the Jump. But alas, no. Miserably unprepared was I.

This Lady felt a fool.

He then offered me weaponry, to fend off any carriage-jackers that might come by to plunder my meager wealth, or my minstrel-less portable player of the tunes.

But soon, from over the field on a powerful steed-- I believe it was a Ford Bronco-- came the King's sorcerers. They were from the far land of Colorado, they said, and rescued dudes and damsels in this particular sort of distress at least once a fortnight using their talents of automotive necromancy.

Consulting a bit on the right spells to use, they coaxed my horseless carriage back to life.

And hey nonny-nonny! We were prepared to journey once more!

Ah, but wait!!-- good people of the land of Cabbages... What would this story be without a concluding moral?

When dark skies grow and winds do blow
Ye ask, "Will ye get threwghhht it?"
But hark!-- one call can do it all
As wisemen say: "Just Druid."
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15 comments:

MA Fat Woman said...

Oh, Ye Jean, who smells of ye cabbages, would thoust lend an ear towards ye middle aged fat woman who would thus offer this proclamation: That's about the best blog post I have ever read!

nonamedufus said...

I wish you were around when I had to study Chaucer in university. Your version is a lot more fun!

TJ Lubrano said...

Indeed. Every story has its moral. *sigh* I wish I could leave a comment speaking with the 'ye' and 'thus', just like you did and MA Fat Woman did, but I believe my braincells aren't able to handle that haha. I never tried it tho.

Again a marvelous post ^_^! Oh oh can I place the Cabbages Flair Button erhm...I mean Old King Cole Slaw in button form on my blog? Ciao!!

Jenn Thorson said...

MA Fat Woman- I thank thee kind lady for your words and cabbage-smelling imagery, which doth remind me of fond dinners.

NoNameDufus- Ah, but forsooth-- I can guarantee you would have learned a lot less of value. :)

TJ- Heh, it's quite all right. Nonetheless, e are happy to see your smiling face among us, M'lady!

TJ Lubrano said...

Lady Jean, thee are most kind! Hmm is that correct old english? Adieu adieu *waves* ps.: I placed King Cole Slaw on my blog. I hope he likes it there ^_^

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- Oh, I'm sure he will! He's never been to the Netherlands before, so I'm sure he'll learn a lot.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

A terrifying tale it was to be sure, M'Lady. But thanks be to God for the brave men of Colorado, who knoweth well how to prode yon horseless carriages into action because of deep winter's discontent. And so, all's well that end's well, eh? :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- T'is true! I give a mighty "Huzzah!" in their honor, the fair fellows!

Also a "woot!"

Skye said...

Ah me fair Lady Jenn, how truly artful your words of the tale! The horseless carriages are nigh to be triffled with, you were right to call in His Majesty's Royalle Carriage Magycker-Uppers to get you back on your Merry Way!

Melanie said...

Here ye, here ye, let it be known that the fair damsel has exceded all others in crafting tales !

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Couldst thou directeth my to thine Dippin' Dots?

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- All Hail His Majesty and his Royale Magyckker-Uppers!!

Melanie- I thank thee, fair lady of tulips!

Chris- Ah, sir, you are a man of culture and taste! Hang a left at Ye Olde Privies and straight past Her Majesty's ATM.

DeadRooster said...

Great, now I'm walking around saying, "By Tudor's codpiece!" to everyone.

Get a cell phone, Jenn.

Tony Single said...

Forsooth! I chortled most gaily at th... oh, who am I kidding? I didn't understand a word of that. :P

Jenn Thorson said...

Dead Rooster- "By Tudor's Codpiece" is going to be some of the hep jive slang all the hoopy frood dudes will be using. Just you wait and see. :)

Tony- You need to get the Google translator for Ye Olddeee Faykkee Shakespeareanne. It's not available on all browsers, though.