The flu. Oh, how I have it. And it tends to put a rather unique perspective on life. After three days of the flu, your world goes from deadlines and hustle-bustle and highways to somewhat more modest goals.
Like blinking... Or getting up the stairs before your innards go outtard... Or finding the hidden strength to push the seemingly four-foot tall Play button on your iPod.
Right now, my computer mouse seems to be about 30 feet wide. And if I take a breather between typing each letter, I am able to complete the blog post in only a few hours, with naps.
Which means I must be getting better.
Yes, normal activities are not easily performed, and the days drag on. So I've come up with a list of helpful pastimes that anyone with the flu can enjoy.
- Count the cracks in the ceiling. The great thing about this game is it only requires eye movement. When done counting, play connect-the-dots with the cracks to create interesting pictures. Or just let the dehydration hallucinations do that for you.
- Play 'Guess That Fever.' Guess how high your fever is at any given moment. Keep track for score. A good guess earns you an extra dose of Pepto! (Note: this game requires the assistance of some mobile person who can actually bring you a thermometer. And the Pepto.)
- See how long before your pets actually feel sorry for you. Animals sense sickness. See how long it is before your beloved fido or frisky feline notices you haven't been able to get out of the chair to fill their food dish. Five points if your dog looks at you with pity. Fifty points if your cat actually tries cuddling up to you-- and doesn't just hightail it out looking for a new, more reliable home.
- Play 'What Do You Think Is in the Mail'? Face it, you can't get to the mailbox. And even if you could, opening envelopes takes Herculean strength and loads of time. So make guesses about the content of your mail. Then wait till someone fetches it for you and tally it up. Two points for store circulars. Five points for bills. Ten points for a letter from your Aunt Tillie.
- Do the Two-Hour Getting Dressed Dash. You realize you need to go to the store to pick up more essentials, like Gatorade and Kaopeptate. This requires actually getting out of the whiffy sweats you've been wearing happily for four days. See if you can put on pants, a shirt, socks and shoes in under two hours. If you succeed, buy yourself an extra Gatorade as reward. Of course, you'll have to have someone strong from the store bring it to the car for you.
But, alas- I must go now. I'm off to play How Little Can I Move and Not Grow Moss?