So you've always wondered, if faced with rampaging serial killer, an ancient curse, or a zombie outbreak, how you would survive?
Would you find yourself to be the shining lead character, covered in gore, but happily reaching those end credits while the eerie voices of a children's choir sing with irony?
Or would you find yourself spread thinly across the backlot, an arm here, a leg over there?
Well, now's your chance to find out, with this helpful "Will You Survive a Horror Movie Situation?" quiz!
And since Evil Incarnate waits for no-one-- let's get started!
1.) I am:
A.) A beautiful, blond female
B.) A popular, athletic male
C.) Any race other than Caucasian, but still friends with A or B due to some little-discussed Cool Person Affirmative Action Program.
D.) Not really worth mentioning. At least that's what my classmates keep telling me when they graffiti my locker and knock my books out of my hand.
E.) A class-clown or a down-to-earth person with a delightful sense of humor, even if it isn't appreciated by the masses
2.) When it comes to my family, I am:
A.) So rich, I sneeze silver dollars out of my sinus cavity
B.) Determined to make the big moola my own family didn't-- the losers-- and willing to do whatever it takes to get there.
C.) Proud to continue a cycle of abuse and moral ambiguity
D.) Unaware who my real family is, because I was orphaned under circumstances no one will discuss, yet I bravely carry on
E.) Dirt poor or working hard at a boring low-to-mid-management job
3.) If this were high school I would most likely be:
A.) Making out in the parking lot. Rules are for nerds and you only live once, you know.
B.) Totally distributing the narcotic du jour in the bathroom, dude.
C.) Accepting the adulation of my lesser classmates for my athletic prowess and good looks
D.) Sitting at a lunch table by myself, studying. Or possibly listening to Emo music, which truly understands my inner pain
E.) Enjoying quirky banter with my one or two close friends.
4.) When getting dressed, my favorite clothing item is:
A.) Four-inch spike heels, perfect for standing around looking hot, but not so great on rough forest terrain, not that I need to ever worry about that.
B.) A sports letter jacket, of course! I have so earned it.
C.) Whatever I was wearing yesterday for the pot party, dude.
D.) I'll take what the wardrobe person gives me.
E.) Black. Matching clothes is overrated since the world is going to end anyway.
5.) When I hear a noise in the night which I don't recognize, my first instinct is to:
A.) Check and see if it's my missing cat or my extremely late significant other, who is never this late
B.) Continue making out because things are just getting good, and wouldn't I look so much better without my undergarments?
C.) Assume it's the Maui Wowie, man, and pass the refreshments around
D.) Warn everyone to stay where they are, even though no one has ever listened to me before
E.) Brace myself, and possibly take up a cricket bat
6.) The moment I learn the details of a curse or local urban legend I:
A.) Touch or play around with the supposedly cursed item, because I am so much smarter than some stupid curse written by a lot of old dead people
B.) Panic, go hysterical with fear to the point I need to be slapped
C.) Mock the curse/legend and anyone who believes in it because I am so much smarter than some stupid curse written by a lot of old dead people
D.) Realize that the curse mentioned is somehow related to my own family, and isn't that kinda weird?
E.) Decide to do a little research in the Weird Legends and Curses section of the library or on the internet.
7.) When I think of technology, I think of:
A.) My cell phone--a great way for my significant other to get a hold of me especially since he/she is way late right now and I am so steamed I'm not sure we shouldn't just break up anyway.
B.) My rockin' car which has no previous history of any sort of mechanical problems because of it's innate coolness.
C.) A phone I feel compelled to answer no matter how many mysterious phone calls we've been getting lately.
D.) Something that could kill me because I actually paid attention to the backstory curse mentioned in the opening credits exposition.
E.) The perfect way to find out more information on deep-rooted ancient evil
8.) If I see a friend in trouble I will most likely:
A.) Hey, if they're in trouble, they're on their own. They were lucky I let them hang with me in the first place.
B.) Join forces with the Darkness to aid in their destruction. The Darkness means you get really hot clothes and hair, and promises an excellent retirement plan.
C.) Run shrieking the other way because I never wanted to be involved in this anyway.
D.) Attempt to help them the best I can
E.) Tend to their battered, bruised body and weep over them for 15 seconds before the baddies come again.
9.) If I had magical/super human powers I would:
A.) Use them to take over the world and eradicate all the losers out there who aren't as cool as I am. Population control, baby!
B.) Use them to get revenge on everybody who didn't appreciate me enough when they had the chance
C.) I am not Caucasian. Do we get super powers?
D.) I would use them to end the curse facing my family for centuries
E.) I will nurture them quietly, and with responsibility, following a grand and noble tradition. Or maybe for parties.
10.) When serial killing maniacs are on the loose, I will:
A.) Not worry about it, because everyone knows there are no serial killing maniacs.
B.) Act concerned, but then go about my normal schedule of walking down dark alleys alone, investigating noises and hanging out in abandoned buildings for fun
C.) Cry, freak out, hyperventilate and whine. Good panics over serial killing maniacs are too important to keep all bottled up inside. It's not healthy.
D.) Wonder why the blurry news photos of the serial killer seem to wear the same trinket my long-deceased sibling used to wear.
E.) Keep on the alert and pay particular attention to the background music for danger cues.
Thank you for taking the Of Cabbages and Kings "Will You Survive A Horror Movie Situation Quiz?" quiz. Now it's time to see how you rank!
- For each A, B, or C you selected, give yourself 2 points
- For each D or E you selected, give yourself 1 point
- Then add 'em up!
20 points- Face it, you're meat. There's no hope that you'll see the sequel. You may have been voted Most Popular, but Horror Movie Cliches have also voted you Most Likely to Sprain Your Ankle at an Inappropriate Time and be Disemboweled. No one will even weep for you. You probably should have tried to be a little nicer in the first act.
17-19 points- Drugs kill, and so do curses and rampaging killers. Okay, so you didn't believe the warnings applied to you. Or you just got all caught up in your own life and forgot about all the mysterious goings-on. If you'd just said 'no' a little sooner, your head wouldn't be being used right now as a football for Evil.
14-16 points- You might live through this film, but there's no guarantee you won't be offed five minutes into the sequel. You have a few admirable qualities, but not enough to outweigh your gut instincts. Which mean your guts will eventually end up displayed artistically for everyone to see.
11-13 points- You aren't the leading man or lady, necessarily, but you're decent evil-fighting support. You'll probably make it out there! Don't get cocky, though. Give more to charity. Add a little more humor to your dialogue. Panic openly less. Wear sensible shoes. And stay out of the backseats of cars. And you should be fine.
10- Congratulations! You are highly likely to survive well into the next film. Unless you decide you want out of your contract only to be replaced by someone who uses your name but only looks vaguely like you, you will have a long and illustrious career being pursued by Evil.