Helpful, Colorful Lies for Why You're Injured

In college, I fractured my wrist in an unlucky Research Procurement Clash. (Okay, somebody accidentally hit me with a four-inch-thick, metal library door.)

And ever since then, things like girlie push-ups... synchonized sign-language competitions... Macerena marathons... or a good stiff breeze... can cause it to go completely out of whack.

It's free of the boundaries of Whack currently, in fact. Last I heard from it, the wrist is somewhere in Whack's outskirts, and the GPS is not working.

Thus, my stylish wrist brace.

But anyone who's ever had an injury knows, the moment folks see someone with a brace, bandage, bruise or cast, we all find that unfortunate soul's personal pain like a big ol' coffeetable book... Something obvious and clunky enough to leaf through and discuss.

So that's why I thought today we would come up with...

Helpful, Colorful, Alternate Reasons for Why You're Injured

Yes, adventurous tales you can use for your very own injuries that are so much more exciting than telling someone you'd tripped on your cat... Shooshed poorly on the slopes... Or liberated your thumb in a regrettable Ginsu Knife Logistics Error.

This post has been designed specifically to assist in your all-purpose injury story needs, such as:

Arm Injuries:
  • While hiking, you saved a lost child of the fast food generation, poised to tumble from a cliff. But your arm dislocated-- given the child weighed more than a Minivan filled with Big Macs.
  • You deny wearing wrist braces. You are simply prepared to deflect bullets. And just wait till everyone gets a load of your lassooo of Truth and Justice.
  • You donate some of your spare time to the Boy Scouts, as they train in First-Aid. They get overzealous with the Modroc.
  • You were fending off a crowd of autograph-seekers who saw your last blog post/Tweet/Facebook Wall entry/YouTube video, and things got a little out of hand.

Broken Legs:
  • While exploring the Grand Canyon on vacation, you encountered a group of baddies hoarding a stash of stolen gold in a cave. You were ziplining away from said baddies across this scenic Natural Wonder, only to have the cable snap, tumbling you conveniently onto the ranger's station below.
  • When not at your regular job, you are actually a professional wrestler, wrestling under the name of The Midnight Mangler. The injury came as a result of a mislaid pile-driver.
  • You are the stunt double for Jackie Chan, now that he's getting on in years. You don't like to talk about it, out of respect to Mr. Chan and given his devoted fanbase.

Face Lifts
  • You're bandaged as part of a social experiment to see if people would treat you differently if you weren't so mind-blowingly attractive.
  • You have recently been reading up on the ancient Egyptians and have decided to embrace a few of their customs.
  • You are trying out for the lead in Phantom of the Opera. Would anyone care to hear your rendition of "Music of the Night"?
  • Competition in the town's underground Fight Club group was somewhat stiffer than you expected.

So, folks-- any other suggestions for heart-pounding reasons why we might be injured?

Let's bring dignity back to the disproportionately damaged!



Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

There was a kitty in a tree and I didn't want to bother the fire department so I climbed up myself. Won't someone think of the kitties? The dumb kitties who climb up, but who can't get down? Oh, the poor kitties.

*for added affect begin to cry here*

No more questions about your broken arm/leg but possible questions on your sanity.

Jenn Thorson said...

Lisa- This could be punctuated nicely by a T-shirt proclaiming something like:

"Mr. Fuzzums
January 14, 2006 - August 5, 2009."

Melanie said...

I have a co-worker who starts all of his personal injury stories with "dude!!! I was so trashed...." Doesn't matter what he did, adding at the beginning that he was really really drunk just makes the story seem funnier somehow.

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha, ha. Love these.

I'm a huge fan of telling "stories" about how something happened. Excuses if you will.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to share my stories as I'm afraid if the truth is revealed, I'll catch hell.

Jenn Thorson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- Ah, yes, doesn't everyone know at least one person whose stories begin just that way? (Or maybe it's just that one same guy, who gets around.)

FreeTheUnicorns- I thought you were going to say if you told us, you'd have to kill us. :)

C.B. Jones said...

Bonus: I was filming a commercial for Discoveries Shark Week. I'm a method actor who does all his own stunts.

chyna said...

I gave this explanantion to a co-worker who fell off her brand new bicycle and scraped the holy heck outta herself and tried to impale herself with the handlebars.

"I was attacked by a wild herd of wiener dogs". What makes it so funny is that she happens to be a major wiener dog lover. :) She was telling everyone my grand story!

moooooog35 said...

Fighting Ninjas while trying to save a small kitten.

It's true if you believe it.

Jenn Thorson said...

C.B.- An excellent suggestion! It has it all, too... danger... creativity... pointy, pointy teeth!

Chyna- Having seen wiener dogs in action, I have no problem believing that 1.) They would do anything to defend their turf and 2.) In a pack mentality, a person could be dachshund kibble.

Mooog- I can totally see you taking on the ninjeti. PS- The kitten thanks you.

Mike said...

I hope the fast food generation kid doesn't try on the wonder woman outfit.


CatLadyLarew said...

Hey, I just did a post on this very topic last month! Here's one of my best explanations for a torn ACL & MCL:

I was in Minnesota for a month, vacationing at the family cabin. One night there was a huge thunderstorm which blew a tree against the cabin. The next morning, I noticed there was a nest of baby birds in the tree, but the nest was dangling precariously as the wee ones called out to their lost mother. Tweet! Tweet! I had to rescue them! (Or at least take them some worms.) Climbing up the tree, I slipped on one of the still wet branches, plummeting to the ground. Unable to move, with my leg mangled beneath me, I looked up... just as the nest dropped... and caught the sweet tweets in my hands. My ACL and MCL were gone... but the wee birdies were saved!

ReformingGeek said...

I wrestled a coyote to save a puppy. Then a rainbow appeared and I had to reach the pot of gold before it went away.

What a day!

Yours were great!

Leeuna said...

haha. I'm such a clutz nobody even asks me about my injuries anymore. The braces and bandages are just part of my daily attire.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- I second that. The Wonder Woman outfit pretty much just shouldn't come in "husky" sizes.

CatLady- Heh. So what REALLY happened, our Good Friend of Birds? :)

Reforming Geek- I hear coyote wrestling's gotten really popular in the last year or so. It all started with puppy liberation.

Leeuna- Oh dear... well, maybe you can spin it into a cool new fashion trend. You know, sleeves that look like bandages... Necklaces that look like strings of band-aids.

Da Old Man said...

I just tell them it as an old war injury. It doesn't matter that I was never in the service.
Any follow up questions is followed up with "I don't like to talk about it. Bad memories."

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Dislocated my hip because Angelina Jolie couldn't stop thrashing in extacy.

I can dream, can't I?

"Liberated my thumb." Hilarious.

jay said...

I'm pretty unimaginative when it comes to invented reasons to be useless, but I do have a smart answer to anyone who asks about the recent scar under my eye. I tell them it's from a drinking accident.

Well. It is, in a way. I stumbled while getting out of a big American truck/car thing while half asleep and carrying a bottle of Pellegrino. I dropped it, it exploded, and some of the glass hit my face.

'Drinking accident' makes it sound so much more mysterious and exciting, don't you think? I mean, it even sounds as if actual alcohol was involved! LOL!