Ladies: Are you tired of going on dates and then finding yourself stuck in the middle of a zombie outbreak?
Sure, that fashionable purse is great for holding a lipstick and some cash. But it just can't carry all the items you need for a well-prepared battle with the Forces of Darkness.
Watch as we try to cram this cricket bat, sawed-off shotgun, and chainsaw inside this standard clutch bag!...
Oh no! The clutch bag has split! Leaving you defenseless, and without cab fare.
And standard dress clothing just doesn't protect your delicate skin from the contaminated bites of undead restauranteurs...
"Yow! That smarts!"
Attractive Blond Actress in Little Black Dress: "So how can I look stylish and still protect myself against zombie plague?"
Glad you asked! Because now, you can take smart zombie defense with you, wherever you go, and for any occasion... Without anyone ever guessing your little secret!
That's right-- it's the new Anti-Zombie Bra™ from Ashley's Armoire®.
The Anti-Zombie Bra™ is made from specially-designed, Sturdie™, space-age engineered bite-resistant fibers. And its push-up style makes all your clothes look great!
But wait-- are those zombies crawling through the restaurant's broken plate glass window? No problem!
Just clap-on the patented Anti-Zombie Projectile™ feature and the first of two steel-reinforced shot-put implants are released at the perfect trajectory to strike tender zombie brainpans, rendering them lifeless husks.
Plus, you can adjust the angle of impact through the clever straps!
But what if you're forced to disguise yourself as a zombie and you haven't had method acting classes?
Simply press the center silk bow and the Anti-Zombie Bra's™ Undead Auto-Moan™ feature laments in your choice of three realistic zombie voices, freeing you from the strains of effective groaning to plan your getaway.
And because the Anti-Zombie Bra™ is from Ashley's Armoire®-- the makers of the Boomstick Beauty™, Massage Glove Chainsaw™ and The Sturdie™ bite-and-bulletproof blanket-- you know it's quality you can trust.
Plus, the Anti-Zombie Bra™ comes in three exciting designer colors: Charming in Darkness Black, Pretty-in-Plague Pink, and Night of the Lift-and-Separate Nude.
So don't be caught dead wearing under-prepared underwire! Order your machine-washable and rustproof Anti-Zombie Bra™ today!
Available only at S-Mart Department Stores. "Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart."
(The idea for this post came thanks to a Google reader searching on the term "anti-zombie bra." I got curious just exactly what that would involve. This may, or may not, bear any resemblance to what that rather unusual searcher was looking for.)