New!: The Anti-Zombie Bra from Ashley's Armoire


Ladies: Are you tired of going on dates and then finding yourself stuck in the middle of a zombie outbreak?

Sure, that fashionable purse is great for holding a lipstick and some cash. But it just can't carry all the items you need for a well-prepared battle with the Forces of Darkness.

Watch as we try to cram this cricket bat, sawed-off shotgun, and chainsaw inside this standard clutch bag!...

Oh no! The clutch bag has split! Leaving you defenseless, and without cab fare.

And standard dress clothing just doesn't protect your delicate skin from the contaminated bites of undead restauranteurs...

"Yow! That smarts!"

Attractive Blond Actress in Little Black Dress: "So how can I look stylish and still protect myself against zombie plague?"

Glad you asked! Because now, you can take smart zombie defense with you, wherever you go, and for any occasion... Without anyone ever guessing your little secret!

That's right-- it's the new Anti-Zombie Bra™ from Ashley's Armoire®.

The Anti-Zombie Bra™ is made from specially-designed, Sturdie™, space-age engineered bite-resistant fibers. And its push-up style makes all your clothes look great!

But wait-- are those zombies crawling through the restaurant's broken plate glass window? No problem!

Just clap-on the patented Anti-Zombie Projectile™ feature and the first of two steel-reinforced shot-put implants are released at the perfect trajectory to strike tender zombie brainpans, rendering them lifeless husks.

Plus, you can adjust the angle of impact through the clever straps!

But what if you're forced to disguise yourself as a zombie and you haven't had method acting classes?

Simply press the center silk bow and the Anti-Zombie Bra's™ Undead Auto-Moan™ feature laments in your choice of three realistic zombie voices, freeing you from the strains of effective groaning to plan your getaway.

And because the Anti-Zombie Bra™ is from Ashley's Armoire®-- the makers of the Boomstick Beauty™, Massage Glove Chainsaw™ and The Sturdie™ bite-and-bulletproof blanket-- you know it's quality you can trust.

Plus, the Anti-Zombie Bra™ comes in three exciting designer colors: Charming in Darkness Black, Pretty-in-Plague Pink, and Night of the Lift-and-Separate Nude.

So don't be caught dead wearing under-prepared underwire! Order your machine-washable and rustproof Anti-Zombie Bra™ today!

Available only at S-Mart Department Stores. "Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart."


(The idea for this post came thanks to a Google reader searching on the term "anti-zombie bra." I got curious just exactly what that would involve. This may, or may not, bear any resemblance to what that rather unusual searcher was looking for.)

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19 comments:

MzHartz said...

OMG, I want one!

Jenn Thorson said...

Ms. Hartz- That's the hypnotic power of the infomercial.

Also, the Anti-Zombie Bras are totally stylin'. :)

Quirkyloon said...

Hee hee.

Good one Jenn. You know I am all things zombie.

But I have one beef with you. Zombies = forces of darkness. Don't you know? Zombies are our friends...Jenn. The sooner you and everyone else accepts it, the happier we'll be! *smile*

hee hee

Jenn Thorson said...

Quirky- Ah, but Quirky my friend, if I have to:

1.) prevent them from noshing on me 2.) eventually slug 'em in the noggin or dismember them...

I just don't see this as the basis for a really long, warm and fuzzy relationship. I prefer buds I don't have to decapitate.

Mike said...

Shit.

Makes me want to grow breasts.

Jenn Thorson said...

Well, Mike, ya know, in this day and age I'd say you could probably wear the Anti-Zombie Bra if you wanted. :) I mean, Eddie Izzard made a whole stand-up career doing that, and he's brilliant.

PLUS, you'd be zombie-safe!

lotgk said...

Holly Madison should be the spokes model for the zombie bra. She has had experience.

Jenn Thorson said...

Lotgk- She has, though I think Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, might also do a good job with it. :)

LiLu said...

Hahaha those colors are genius. But what's the special bonus gift we get IF WE ORDER IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS?!

Jenn Thorson said...

LiLu- If you pay shipping and handling we will either double your order...

OR...

Offer you one of the other groovy anti-zombie products we have lying around the Ashley's Armoire warehouse getting dusty-- just pay shipping and handling! :)

Leeuna said...

Well I say it's about time they came up with a useful product like the Anti-Zombie Bra. I need this type of protection on my job. Thank you Ashley's Armoire®

Jenn Thorson said...

Leeuna- Thank you, Madam, for your support of the Anti-Zombie Bra and Ashley's Armoire®.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I'm not sure how I'd look in an anti-zombie bra, but I guess I'm willing to try it.

theiratedog said...

Haha, I should get one for my girlfriend...

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Oh, I think you'd be stunning. Just order it in black-- everyone looks good in black. :)

IrateDog- Maybe consider it as a Halloween gift though and not, say, Valentine's day. :)

Nooter said...

now thats a dirty job, getting those bras off brain-eating zombies so you can sell them!

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- Erm... You know yesterday I read an article that said dogs are at least as smart as a 2-year-old human child in terms of comprehension and understanding? I would say you far, far eclipse that--

Only possibly you still get a little confused about some things. :)

Doctor Toboggans said...

Stupendous idea, I wish I had thought of it. (By the time my lawyers are through I'm sure I will have.)

Jenn Thorson said...

Doc- I see you're in the anti-zombie market as well-- nice to meet someone else who understands the power of zombie attack prevention.