The New Facebook Simulated Maternal Nagging Features

Facebook's starting to sound like dear old Mom. In its deep desire for us all to be happy and connected (and feed lonely farm animals), Facebook has developed a Suggestions sidebar--

--Or what I like to call the "Simulated Maternal Nagging Feature."

This app checks out who's active on your friends list and spins less-rabid Facebook buds into that frumpy, socially-inept cousin who our mother insists that we really should invite along to the party-- and possibly give a makeover.

"Mary Kwyte-Contrary only has 15 friends. Suggest friends for her!" it says.

Now, though Mary may be an individualist, she has always been able to make friends on her own.

But Facebook's Simulated Maternal Nagging Feature is worried about Mary's social life. Mary has friends, yes, but does she have enough friends? Of course not!

And is that really what Mary's wearing in her avatar? And wouldn't she like to just try wearing a little rouge? A little? For Mom? Please?

Why don't you help her, the Maternal Nagging Feature wants to know? What kind of friend are you? Didn't Mom raise you better than this? Help her! Help her NOW!

(Ahem.)

"This is your friend Bo Peep-- Help her find her friends!"

Yep, that's Mother Facebook again, stepping in and wondering why Bo's left wandering in the Facebook fields with less than a 200-head flock around her.

And if you don't make suggestions for Bo right away, well... look out! Mother Facebook has vays of makingk zem flock.

"Johnathan B. Nimble is 48% active. Poke him."

I beg your pardon, Mother Facebook?

Oh-- I see. You want to light a fire under ol' Jack because you think he's not hitting the Facebooks enough...

Instead he's out having a candlelight dinner with Jill--

(you know, outside. In the real world.)

--And not spending his days looking for that dirty bra in Mafia Wars or taking in some lost black duck on Farmvilletown Acres.

But my favorite... my favorite of all Simulated Maternal Nags was when a Facebook friend said she'd just been shown an avatar and was told:

"This is Peter Piper. Reconnect with him."

"But I palavered with Peter peering over his paper and peck of pickled peppers at breakfast. He's my partner," said Penny Whistle-Piper, dryly.

Yes, but that's Mother Facebook, butting in to our relationships again. "You never call... You never write.."

And I think it's getting worse. Soon we'll be getting Suggestions like:

"See our friend Hansel Voodcutterson here? Hansel hasn't logged in for 12 hours. By the time you read this Suggestion, I will be dead from the gas I inhaled after putting my central processing unit in the oven of the Facebook Cafe World app.

"Clearly, Hansel is a selfish boy who cares more for his gingerbread addiction than he does Mother Facebook.

"You could have saved me an untimely shut-down by emailing him to log in. But you didn't. You're just like the rest of them. Why do I bother?

...

"Okay, so I'm not actually dead yet. But I will be. Click here to contact the local news station in Hansel's area to beg him to log-in to Facebook and make his Mother happy..."

"You would if you truly loved me."
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Today's question: Has Facebook or any other online service ever gotten pushy with you?

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15 comments:

TJ Lubrano said...

Hahahaha! this is so cool and really true!

When I first saw that suggestion thingy on the right, I almost blindly followed what it said. something with 'reconnect with Emma Notebook...'

But before I clicked that button an alarm went off in my head and I was like 'WHY do I need to reconnect with her?!?!' and I stopped.

Mother Facebook is really trying to take over this time.

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- Oh, I had to do this one. Facebook has been trying to make one of my friends-- a really competent, self-possessed person, too-- seem sad and pathetic and inactive...

First Mother Facebook tried to encourage pity, saying she only had 15 friends...

Recently, it's escalated into suggestions that I "poke" her... (she wouldn't enjoy that!) :)

Soon, it will want me to drive to her house and see if she's okay.

I can't take it! :)

ReformingGeek said...

Hum....I'm a little worried. Mom has not asked me to poke anyone. She insists that a few of my friends are naked (need profile picture) and I must suggest friends for others. That's one bossy bee-otch.

Are you sure it's "Mom" and not "Big Brother"?

Jaffer said...

LOL @ what Penny Whistle-Piper piped.
Classic !

I hate that new feature ! Old classmates, co-workers and family you don't really care about but can't get rid of them because oh boy the next thing you know we'll be on Family Feud real life edition where a square punch gets you bonus points !

Some people are incensed because mother Facebook wants them to 'reconnect' with - departed friends !
John Edwards ?

Deray said...

As if asking you to add as friend that guy that you really don't know but, you should (according to FB) because 16 of your friends know him!

I totally hate the new suggestions as well Jenn!

Rethoryke said...

They should just be honest and say "Hey! We sold our advertisers a bill of goods about how many eyeballs we could give them. You don't want to make us look like liars, do you?"

Melanie said...

Yeah, I'm not crazy about that mother nagging feature of facebook either. the other day it suggested I suggest some friends for my best friend's 70 yr. old father. Uh, I think he's got enough friends without me suggesting more.

ONE of THE GUYS said...

All these social networking sites are getting pushier and pushier. Maybe because people are finally catching on that they're actually not real. Ahh.....really?

Funny post!

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- Are you serious-- Mother Facebook has been suggesting you harass your friends into adding profile pictures? Fer pete's sake...

Jaffer- Now that IS straining the bonds of our reconnecting abilities!

Deray- If I get a friend request from someone who's a friend of people I know well, I tend to add them just because they have been silently reading the blog. I don't want to dis folks. But yes-- how does Facebook decide how many friends a person should have? Apparently quality over quantity doesn't count.

Rethoryke- Heh, why Mary Contrary-- nice to see you! :) (snicker)

Melanie- I guess they don't want the old folks to feel lonely on this hep keen swell newfangled technology. :)

One of the Guys- Could be. We're getting sarcastic and desensitized and they've had to up the ante, perhaps?

Jaffer said...

Yes, A few times I saw: "X does not have a profile picture yet. Suggest one for them"
Maybe I should just put up a picture of Che Guevara for them

jay said...

I got VERY good at ignoring nagging while I still lived at home with mother. I have no trouble ignoring Facebook's feeble attempts! LOL!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wait a minute, Mafia Wars has dirty bras? Clearly, I haven't advanced enough with the Godfather on that one.

And I don't WANT to poke anybody. It's rude. Poke YOU, Facebook!

Unfinished Rambler said...

Just this morning Facebook said (sad when Facebook starts talking to me, I agree): "Chester Jester: Help make Facebook better for him. Write something on his wall." Somehow I don't think Chester Jester, aka Chelle's pet logo for Humorbloggers dot com, cares whether or not I write something on his wall.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Sure, or that famous sticker of Andre the Giant. :)

Jay- Ah, Facebook has met its match!

Nanny Goats- Apparently it does-- it seemed there were a LOT of people searching on that at one point recently. I have no idea what it's about as I'm not a part of the FB Mafia.

Rambler- Heh, yes, Facebook has been asking me, too, to improve Chester's Facebook experience and recommend friends, etc., for him. I can offer him Old King Cole Slaw, but the King doesn't have a Facebook page of his own.

Michael said...

Facebook has been walking the line on privacy issues for some time now... I can't wait until they come out with the Facebook Cranial Implant!!!

...And Another Thing!