Slawstrodamus' Prophecies for 2012


Regular readers of Of Cabbages and Kings know our beloved mascot, Old King Cole Slaw, as a devil-may-care online adventurer, raconteur, skilled dancer, and otherwise leafy wonder.

But did you also know he has the power of prediction?

Yes, much like the Magic Eight Ball and that wild-eyed dude on the alley corner who wears a bowler hat made entirely of tinfoil, Old King Cole Slaw-- known in some circles as "Slawstrodamus"-- is tuned in to the Mystic World.

Also Froggy 97 radio. He wants me to tell you there's a contest right now you'll want to get in on.

He'd also like to offer his predictions for 2012. So stare with us into the Shadowy Beyond, then bury your computers in the sand and check back here in 2012. (If you don't have sand, might we suggest the cat's litter box.)

I guarantee that when you see Slawstrodamus' accuracy, you will be astounded... amazed... (May also cause dry mouth, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, erectile dysfunction and acne lasting seven days to 40 years. Check with your doctor before using.)

Apologies to your cat.

Slawstrodamus' Predictions for 2012:
  • At the full of a moon, a shining, golden-haired idol will be caught showing the full of her moon. (Translation: Some bit o' fluff is going to have an emotional breakdown and get photographed with her pants down.)
  • Pachyderm and equidae shall-- in the land under the stars-- unite in making both an ass. (Translation: Democrats and Republicans will prove they have one thing in common.)
  • A great war will wage in sand, spurred on by passion, ancient lines, and the mighty law of Tradesies No-Take-Backsies. (Translation: "War. Hooh. Good God, y'awll! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again, yeahhhh!")
  • A fraternity of fools shall join in a small glass domicile filled with eyes, for the merriment of men. Also Nielsen ratings. (Translation: Big Brother might be watching you, but we'll still be watching Big Brother.)
  • The powers of attention of mankind as a whole shall shrink tiny as the microscopic-- what's that over there? (Translation: Can't remember now. What were we talking about? Gotta answer this email.)
  • Small furred friends of humanity shall embrace glittering satchels as natural transportation. They will transcend the use of their legs. (Translation: Purse dogs show new evolutionary prowess as doorstops.)
  • The talking woman of Rivers will discover toes risen upon the banks of her over-taut cheekbones. (Translation: Joan Rivers finally gets so many facelifts she's actually shifted her personal tectonic plates.)
  • Stars will dance. The dead will rise in mystical resurrection of mediocre careers. (Translation: No!... Paula Abdul... again?!)
  • Ancient long-snuffed prophets will make more predictions of future doom despite existential impairment and vagaries... (Translation: In a fit of embarrassment at that whole 2012 thing not working out, all ancient prophecies of the end of the world shift ahead four years.)
  • One in 10 will actually worry about them.
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Question of the day:
So put on your swami hat and tell us-- what are your predictions for 2012? Or 3050? Or... oh... tomorrow, noonish?

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7 comments:

Jaffer said...

Wow ! Not a single comment on this post all day !

You have sunk your subjects into too much thinking your majesty !

Well this is something that will happen to me by 2012 but sharing that just with you would be selfish.
Punishing just you by keeping you in mystery - well I think that is ok !

I predict to do some world travel in the next 5 years - except the USA.
It is related to the above mysterious event.

I am not very good at predicting and I predict it shall remain the same by 2012 and beyond.

I predict you shall finish your fireplace by 2012.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Heh, yes, too late I realize the Slawmeister might have made it a bit too difficult. Thanks for the comment and for alleviating the unusual emptiness that was the comments section. :)

I'm sorry you won't be traveling to the US! Perhaps sometime I'll get a chance to meet ya!

(And I laughed about that fireplace comment... I think by 2012 I will be in pretty good shape with it... finally. :) )

TJ Lubrano said...

Slawstrodamus has spoken!

Let me see! I searched the hidden chest to put on my lovely purple hat. Purple is the color of mystery or that's what people say anyway. I started to meditate, to see what the future has in store for me. Wanna know what I saw? Let me tell you;

I saw planes flying through clouds and lovely destinations with palm trees or just trees actually (palm trees just sound a bit nicer haha). Also a annoying bug aka my thesis shall be finished. I do hope before February, but The Hat couldn't give me that much detail.

It could however tell me, that tomorrow around noonish...I will be walking around outside with my hair like a poodle, because of the beautiful weather we're having lately -_-'.

Then The Hat went silent and didn't spoke again.

I'm always amazed how you twist the words and form a story with each single post! Really cool!
Take care!

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- Well, here's wishing you a bright future with a finished thesis! :)

With that magic hat of yours, did you get sorted into Gryffindor, too? :)

JD at I Do Things said...

O, all-seeing, all-knowing Slawstrodamus (that is hard to type).

Can you tell me whether Prudence will ever let me sleep in in the mornings? Or should I bury her, along with my computer, in the litterbox?

TJ Lubrano said...

Ciao Lady Jenn! Thank you so much ^_^! I do hope I can finish it very soon...it all depends on myself though haha!

Oh Gryffindor! I did get sorted there! But have to say, the Sorting Hat was quite vague on that...I could hear him whisper something about creating a whole new house...but that would cause too much chaos..so Gryffindor it was! Where did you get sorted in?

Jenn Thorson said...

JD-- Hm, let's shake Slawstrodamus like a Magic 8 ball and see what he has to say... "Slawstrodamus, will Prudence ever let JD sleep in the mornings?"...

And the Mystic Cabbage says...

"My Sources Say No."


TJ- Ah, yes, I'd been sorted into Gryffindor, too-- though how brave I am to have merited it is still in question. :)