Regular readers of Of Cabbages and Kings know our beloved mascot, Old King Cole Slaw, as a devil-may-care online adventurer, raconteur, skilled dancer, and otherwise leafy wonder.
But did you also know he has the power of prediction?
Yes, much like the Magic Eight Ball and that wild-eyed dude on the alley corner who wears a bowler hat made entirely of tinfoil, Old King Cole Slaw-- known in some circles as "Slawstrodamus"-- is tuned in to the Mystic World.
Also Froggy 97 radio. He wants me to tell you there's a contest right now you'll want to get in on.
He'd also like to offer his predictions for 2012. So stare with us into the Shadowy Beyond, then bury your computers in the sand and check back here in 2012. (If you don't have sand, might we suggest the cat's litter box.)
I guarantee that when you see Slawstrodamus' accuracy, you will be astounded... amazed... (May also cause dry mouth, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, erectile dysfunction and acne lasting seven days to 40 years. Check with your doctor before using.)
Apologies to your cat.
Slawstrodamus' Predictions for 2012:
- At the full of a moon, a shining, golden-haired idol will be caught showing the full of her moon. (Translation: Some bit o' fluff is going to have an emotional breakdown and get photographed with her pants down.)
- Pachyderm and equidae shall-- in the land under the stars-- unite in making both an ass. (Translation: Democrats and Republicans will prove they have one thing in common.)
- A great war will wage in sand, spurred on by passion, ancient lines, and the mighty law of Tradesies No-Take-Backsies. (Translation: "War. Hooh. Good God, y'awll! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again, yeahhhh!")
- A fraternity of fools shall join in a small glass domicile filled with eyes, for the merriment of men. Also Nielsen ratings. (Translation: Big Brother might be watching you, but we'll still be watching Big Brother.)
- The powers of attention of mankind as a whole shall shrink tiny as the microscopic-- what's that over there? (Translation: Can't remember now. What were we talking about? Gotta answer this email.)
- Small furred friends of humanity shall embrace glittering satchels as natural transportation. They will transcend the use of their legs. (Translation: Purse dogs show new evolutionary prowess as doorstops.)
- The talking woman of Rivers will discover toes risen upon the banks of her over-taut cheekbones. (Translation: Joan Rivers finally gets so many facelifts she's actually shifted her personal tectonic plates.)
- Stars will dance. The dead will rise in mystical resurrection of mediocre careers. (Translation: No!... Paula Abdul... again?!)
- Ancient long-snuffed prophets will make more predictions of future doom despite existential impairment and vagaries... (Translation: In a fit of embarrassment at that whole 2012 thing not working out, all ancient prophecies of the end of the world shift ahead four years.)
- One in 10 will actually worry about them.
Question of the day: So put on your swami hat and tell us-- what are your predictions for 2012? Or 3050? Or... oh... tomorrow, noonish?