Who is the single hardest working individual online today? It must be the unflappable.... the infamous... the ever-present...
Anyone who has a blog, a web site, or a forum knows him well. He's the one who makes sure your quality online acreage is covered with spam like cow pats on the back-set of Rawhide.
He's the one who lights up your comments section with the licking flames of misplaced rage and unique, out-of-the-box spelling techniques.
He's the fellow on forums, who slips in unfettered by pesky things like facts or context, and who can transform an everyday discussion on non-stick spatulas into a seething, spittle-flying, pro- and anti-Teflon situation in under ten minutes flat through persistence, precision name-calling and a Wonderland sort of rationale.
How does he manage to fit it all into his busy schedule? Well, Of Cabbages and Kings caught up with Anonymous this week, for the first-of-its-kind exclusive interview!
CABBAGES: You're a very busy man. Tell us: of your many online works, which is your favorite, and why?
ANONYMOUS: Well, it's apples to oranges, really. In terms of my forum contributions, I do feel there is huge value in spreading the "you suck, you're a bunch of losers" messaging across forums around the world.
I mean, I'm helping people completely entrenched in their narrow philosophies and obsessions with entertainment fan-dom look outside their small sphere of interests, and see there are other perspectives out there-- mainly those who think they suck and that they are losers.
That's important to help align their overblown self-esteem and encourage them to unmire themselves from an unhealthy fantasy life.
But I equally support the wide range of products I endorse. Getting the word out about "nekkd Britney Spears hot videoes of hotness now" or "Improve You Today In Bed All Night Longg Ladies will Pass Out" is really a humanitarian effort. I'm upping the quality of life of all those who my messaging touches.
CABBAGES: I notice you don't limit yourself to posting only on venues from one particular country. How many languages do you actually speak?
ANONYMOUS: Thirty-nine. I've been involved heavily in the Rosetta Stone language tutorial system, plus I use a number of online translators. I mean, while it looks simple, coming up with "I fren u, u fren me kay? nice blog" as one of my catch phrases took more time than you'd think. Largely because I needed something that would translate well into most languages.
CABBAGES: Except English.
ANONYMOUS: Yeah, I'm working on that.
CABBAGES: I notice in your messaging to the masses you don't stick to things like spelling, consistent punctuation or even generally accepted logic. Why is that?
ANONYMOUS: I believe people need to stop being such sheep when it comes to spelling, grammar and having consecutive thoughts flow logically from one to the other.
I mean, are you more likely to remember a message you can figure out by just glancing at it-- or one that's almost mystically mysterious, and which you have to decipher like The DaVinci Code?
Obvious-- the last one, of course! Why follow the crowd with how you express yourself when you can open up whole new worlds in the writing field?
CABBAGES: So you consider your spam art?
ANONYMOUS: Post-modernist, possibly, yes. Though more like poetry.
CABBAGES: When bloggers get comments from you, over and over again on the same post, saying the same things that don't translate well in English, they wonder why you take the time? It just gets deleted anyway.
ANONYMOUS: That's because they're not opening their eyes to the art. I am helping contribute new beauty, new thought, new ideas, fresh perspectives when I grace their comments section and tell them they shouldn't be born, to go to hell, or I choose to honor their blog with my ads.
But they're so self-involved they just don't see it. They see it only view it as a childish insult, or ads for cheap pharmaceuticals and illegal movie sites. But I also have the faith that they'll learn, someday. They'll see the sublime perfection of these communications. So I like to give them that chance-- and if that means I need to communicate with them every day, six times a day... then, so be it.
Yes, I believe in people. I want to give them every opportunity to change for the better. To find their own best selves through my comments, my products, my enhancement of their otherwise mundane work.
That's just the kind of guy I am. And it's because I don't want to look like I'm tooting my own horn, I simply have to remain anonymous. Revealing my identity would only take away from my selfless acts for bettering mankind. And we don't want that.
Of Cabbages and Kings would like to thank Anonymous for taking time out of his busy schedule to be with us here today.
Now we'll take questions from the readers. Do you have anything you'd like to ask Anonymous? He'll be answering your comments in between adding his, um, post-modernist art to other blogs.