Portrait of Anonymous: An Interview

Who is the single hardest working individual online today? It must be the unflappable.... the infamous... the ever-present...


Anyone who has a blog, a web site, or a forum knows him well. He's the one who makes sure your quality online acreage is covered with spam like cow pats on the back-set of Rawhide.

He's the one who lights up your comments section with the licking flames of misplaced rage and unique, out-of-the-box spelling techniques.

He's the fellow on forums, who slips in unfettered by pesky things like facts or context, and who can transform an everyday discussion on non-stick spatulas into a seething, spittle-flying, pro- and anti-Teflon situation in under ten minutes flat through persistence, precision name-calling and a Wonderland sort of rationale.

How does he manage to fit it all into his busy schedule? Well, Of Cabbages and Kings caught up with Anonymous this week, for the first-of-its-kind exclusive interview!

CABBAGES: You're a very busy man. Tell us: of your many online works, which is your favorite, and why?

ANONYMOUS: Well, it's apples to oranges, really. In terms of my forum contributions, I do feel there is huge value in spreading the "you suck, you're a bunch of losers" messaging across forums around the world.

I mean, I'm helping people completely entrenched in their narrow philosophies and obsessions with entertainment fan-dom look outside their small sphere of interests, and see there are other perspectives out there-- mainly those who think they suck and that they are losers.

That's important to help align their overblown self-esteem and encourage them to unmire themselves from an unhealthy fantasy life.

But I equally support the wide range of products I endorse. Getting the word out about "nekkd Britney Spears hot videoes of hotness now" or "Improve You Today In Bed All Night Longg Ladies will Pass Out" is really a humanitarian effort. I'm upping the quality of life of all those who my messaging touches.

CABBAGES: I notice you don't limit yourself to posting only on venues from one particular country. How many languages do you actually speak?

ANONYMOUS: Thirty-nine. I've been involved heavily in the Rosetta Stone language tutorial system, plus I use a number of online translators. I mean, while it looks simple, coming up with "I fren u, u fren me kay? nice blog" as one of my catch phrases took more time than you'd think. Largely because I needed something that would translate well into most languages.

CABBAGES: Except English.

ANONYMOUS: Yeah, I'm working on that.

CABBAGES: I notice in your messaging to the masses you don't stick to things like spelling, consistent punctuation or even generally accepted logic. Why is that?

ANONYMOUS: I believe people need to stop being such sheep when it comes to spelling, grammar and having consecutive thoughts flow logically from one to the other.

I mean, are you more likely to remember a message you can figure out by just glancing at it-- or one that's almost mystically mysterious, and which you have to decipher like The DaVinci Code?

Obvious-- the last one, of course! Why follow the crowd with how you express yourself when you can open up whole new worlds in the writing field?

CABBAGES: So you consider your spam art?

ANONYMOUS: Post-modernist, possibly, yes. Though more like poetry.

CABBAGES: When bloggers get comments from you, over and over again on the same post, saying the same things that don't translate well in English, they wonder why you take the time? It just gets deleted anyway.

ANONYMOUS: That's because they're not opening their eyes to the art. I am helping contribute new beauty, new thought, new ideas, fresh perspectives when I grace their comments section and tell them they shouldn't be born, to go to hell, or I choose to honor their blog with my ads.

But they're so self-involved they just don't see it. They see it only view it as a childish insult, or ads for cheap pharmaceuticals and illegal movie sites. But I also have the faith that they'll learn, someday. They'll see the sublime perfection of these communications. So I like to give them that chance-- and if that means I need to communicate with them every day, six times a day... then, so be it.

Yes, I believe in people. I want to give them every opportunity to change for the better. To find their own best selves through my comments, my products, my enhancement of their otherwise mundane work.

That's just the kind of guy I am. And it's because I don't want to look like I'm tooting my own horn, I simply have to remain anonymous. Revealing my identity would only take away from my selfless acts for bettering mankind. And we don't want that.

Of Cabbages and Kings would like to thank Anonymous for taking time out of his busy schedule to be with us here today.

Now we'll take questions from the readers. Do you have anything you'd like to ask Anonymous? He'll be answering your comments in between adding his, um, post-modernist art to other blogs.



Mr. Condescending said...

I think anonymous is a woman!

Jenn Thorson said...

Mr. Condescening- Hey, possibly. It could be a twist ending like "The Crying Game" -- only different. :)

Anok said...

Gud observshion, like UR post you ki$$ my ads I hugyours Kthnx?

Oh, and YOU SUCK! STop mocking the wonderful world of trolls! You don't even know!! Yur just jealous!! You stupid!!


Anonymous said...

Tha wuz sur blizz. Thx. I hate it when people post things 'anonymously'. It's not like we're gonna know who they are anyway. Just sign it "John/Jane Doe". I don't care, and I'll appreciate the effort.

Jenn Thorson said...

Anok- O yeah, well u stink and ninjas r stoopit. So their. :)

MadTexter- I don't want to totally turn off Anonymous comments, since some real non-spam folks who just aren't bloggers use the facility to leave comments and then sign their names. Maybe for the spammers coming up with a Username is too challenging. :)

lifeshighway said...

Interesting, I had always visualized anonymous as a performance artist perhaps wearing Mime type apparel. It is quite possible that he does not speak in real life.

Jenn Thorson said...

Life'sHighway- Heh, I like the visual. And I can see that. The white face, the striped shirt.

I would also like to see him trapped in a box or walking against the wind. :)

stillthinking said...

Hehehehe! I get the total gibberish "awergfnmihjih jdfikhji jskfjhi" spam. Hilarious. I don't have time anymore to participate in online forums, but I do miss chatting with people like you and Claire. You two are great!

Jenn Thorson said...

Still- Hey, backatcha! And at least I get to see what you're up to via Twitter and Facebook-- so that helps.

Anonymous said...

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. What do you mean that's not a word! Ok, so I'm not a good spammer. Just for giggles though you're not getting my name. :P I'm in an mischievous mood. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

"Anonymous"-- Ah, at least YOU'RE the kind of Anonymous I LIKE. :) Whoever you may be, ya sneak!

TJ Lubrano said...

Hmm what an interesting twist we got here from Mr./Ms. Anonymous! A from of art huh?

I'm just wondering here. For many people art is free spirited and a subjective matter. An individual can choose what they consider art and what not.

Again I'm just wondering here...why do you force your 'art' on others? Don't you take the aspects of art out of art when you force your art on others? It feels to me that this art of yours, is more a way of life.

Ms. Jenn from Cabbages and Kings, take you for taking your time to do this interview ^_^!! What an enlightening post!

Anonymous said...

Ms. Lubrano- I'm the first one to place art on others' blogs. But it is the way graffiti artists place their work on the sides of public buildings. Just as you have the choice to delete it, building owners can choose to paint over it. It's simply that spam is a new artistic medium. I can't expect it to be well-received as art right away.

TJ Lubrano said...

Mr./Ms. Anonymous: I see. You truly believe that one day spam will be considered art? How long have you been spamming bloggers? And are there other ways to display your art? Like a back-up?

It must be quite tough to stay strong in a turbulent time like this? Doesn't it demotivate you at times?

Thank you for taking the time to explain it all.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Lubrano- I have been creating my art ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, someone added a comments box to a blog and people thought, "hey, let's chat." If this medium will shut down, I will move into a different artistic period-- possibly telemarketing, direct mail, or customer service for the gas company.

I love my work, so I am never demotivated. Or tired. In fact, I haven't slept for 8 years.

TJ Lubrano said...

Mr./Ms. Anonymous: Thanks for all the explaining. You haven't slept for 8 years...the love you have, this unconditional love you have to make your art known to the rest for the world, is kinda of amazing.

It seems that you will be around for a long, long, long time...

jay said...

Shoulda handed him over to the authorities while you had him, my dear. The world would have thanked you for it.

Or to put it another way 'Brittny hot handbags deals with nekkid celebs free blue tabs!'

I think that means 'please beat me senseless with rotten potatoes'.

Berowne said...

You mention having read and been impressed by the works of Jean Shepherd.

I knew him in the old days. He had, almost better than anyone else, the ability to sit before a radio mike, open his mouth and allow a constant, never-ending stream of talk to emerge -- fascinating talk ranging from the most common thought or experience to the transcendental and at times even mystical.

No question, there are a lot of folks on talk radio today, but there's no one quite like him.

Leeuna said...

Great interview Jen. I've always wanted to meet this person but frankly he scares me. I mean...the way he spells and the things he tries to sell you. Geesh. Thanks for bringing him to the forefront.

Anonymous said...

Ah, so that's why one of my posts had 59 - yes, fifty nine - comments in Japanese? I ended up removing it, by the way. Sorry Anonymous, I guess I had you all wrong and took you to be annoying spam.


Jason said...

This is a great site you have here. I just found it but I'm liking it. I have a humor site as well and I'd like to exchange links with you. Let me know if this is possible.

HilariousHeadlines TALK

Anonymous said...

You and your followers all suck and jellyfish sandwich jabberwock hockey giblets.

Knucklehead said...

Very clever. Well done, Jenn.

TJ Lubrano said...

Ms. Jenn! I included you in my fave blog list and this is linked with two awards ^_^. You don't have to do anything with it of course, but I thought that I let you know about this ^_^. Take care!!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Me love you long time.

*Viagra. It's what you need to last longer.

Jenn Thorson said...

Anna- Sounds like you've been getting hit by the Japanese spammer that's been getting both my blogs. It's been a huge pain. Why spam people who can't even read what you're saying?!

Jason- I don't do link trades-- it's bad for SEO-- but I will check out your site.

Anonymous-- BAD Anonymous. You're supposed to be here taking questions instead of spamming Cabbages. Man, can't trust anybody these days!

Knucklehead- Thanks. :)

TJ- Why thank you!

Lisa- Heh, that just sounds like Cookie Monster has developed a secondary addiction. :)